“Even now the light of florescent medical bulbs makes me feel panic. It is to the point where if I need to visit a doctor or go to the hospital they need to give me a Xanax just to get me in the door. Thankfully, most of the people at the hospital are aware of my condition and make sure to leave a note of it in my records. The sound of bells remains terrifying to me as well, and easily the hardest time of the year is around Christmas. I keep the radio off at all times, and have to warn people when I come to a party. I still try to give to the Salvation Army, specifically those ringers of the bells outside of the local store. When I do though, I always have to ask the person I am with or a stranger to do it for me.
I was eight months pregnant when I noticed the bleeding between my legs. I was working at the elementary school, and so the ambulance took very little time to get to me. It was during lunch thank God, so I was eating in the teachers lounge when it happened. I couldn't bear the thought of the children seeing me like that. The school covered my absence well enough that day, though in the weeks that followed the student's questions only made things harder for me. I don't think it surprised anyone when I took an extended leave after the term had finished.
I arrived at the hospital in terrible pain. The doctors said that everything should be okay, but I knew what was going on. There were...complications with my pregnancy. I kept telling them to try and save my baby, that if it came between the baby and my life, that they should save my child. They planned on opening me up as opposed to trying to see if they could induce a natural birth. It didn't take long for them to insert the pain killers. I kept thinking about my baby, and how much I wanted them to live. Then the nurses asked me to count back from five. I was unconscious at three.
I awoke in another room. My body felt horrible, and there were bandages placed below my midsection. I was alone, and for a short time I was in too much of a haze to realize what had happened. Then it suddenly came back, as I felt a wet fear pass over me. I pressed the call button and waited anxiously for the nurse. I tried to sit up, but a flash of pain stopped me, as I felt myself nearly pass out again. What had happened to my body? The nurse arrived, and I only had one question on my mind.
“Did my baby make it?”