“I suppose I have known this for some time now, but didn't want to admit it to anyone. I want to die. There is something inside of the me that wants terribly to be heard. But it has been so long since I let him speak. The last time I did, it nearly destroyed me, destroyed all that I knew. He is beyond any real sense of reason, and does not care what damage he will make. I have tried many times to simply ignore him, and after a while I have become quite good at it. But I feel much weaker than before. I am not sure I am ready to face what it wishes for me to face. All it would take would be for me to lose focus, and then within moments I will find him once again in control.
I first became aware of his presence when I was quite young. I would sit in bed, staring at the ceiling, and then without warning I heard another voice whispering to me. I am not a fool. I know that many of us do self talk, and that if we truly want we can “play” with the idea of having someone talk back. But when it happened to me it was so much more insistent. So much meaner and crueler. He did not just want to talk to me. From the very first there was only ever one thing he wanted to talk about, no matter what I would say to him.
I never really liked his voice. It was too high, too monotone. And though he was in my head my ears would ache whenever he would try to speak. I didn't like him, but at the time I had few friends, and even those who I did know would never understand what I was going through. They would think I was crazy, much in the same way you think I am crazy. But please do not dismiss what I am saying as just ramblings. Because I know I am insane, but the problem is that he doesn't seem to care.
I went to a doctor after I told my parents about him. They were surprisingly understanding. For that I was thankful. I know that some parents aren't like that. They brought me to a local doctor. He had done work before with depressives, but had not had good results. His credibility had been tarnished, but my family didn't have a lot of money. So even if they weren't sure he was the best, there was really no choice in the matter.