I know it will be hard to read this. When you don't have eyelids everything gets a little more difficult. Trust me. I know.
Use the eye drops I provided. It will help.
I want you to know that I really tried to forgive you. At first, I blamed myself like I so often do. I figured I really had done something wrong. Leaving you like I did...when the drinking got bad. At the time, I really did think that had I stayed, nothing else would have happened. That you would never hurt me like that again.
And you probably wouldn't.
But...I can't forgive you.
Not for what you did to my face. What you did to my body.
The Surgeon fixed what he could. He is very talented, but you did a lot of damage. He replaced the tongue you tried to remove. He found me a new face. Even fixed the abnormality in my heart.
He is quite disappointed in you...Imagine that. Being disappointed after what you did. You used his work to cover what you did to me. You thought no one would figure it out. But he wants more from you than just stealing other people's work...and he wants something better for me.
You figured...I think...that if you hurt me enough then I couldn't leave. That no else would want me besides you.
I am not sure if that isn't true. But...I can't let that get in the way.
I love you still. Even after all you have done. Which is why this has to come to an end. At first I thought I could just leave you again. Go away to somewhere you couldn't find me. But I realized that wouldn't work. You would just hurt someone else. Probably hurt someone worse, just because you couldn't get to me.
I'm sorry for lying about the classes. Considering what the Surgeon did to your first wife...After hearing the stories and seeing what it did to you and the kids, I imagined I would kill him if I ever met him.
But then...you cut off my face...you cut my tongue. And...I thought that maybe you reacted the way you did because what he did to Sarah. But that isn't true is it.
You have always been a little bit messy. Even when you were a kid. Even before people close to you started getting hurt. I see how you could have been hurt into doing something bad. But you still had a choice. You could have loved me enough to trust me. To know that I would come back if it was what was right.
But you didn't.
You kept me awake through all of it. Made sure I could watch you as you worked on me.
You already know that.
But I don't think you know that the anesthetic wore off. I don't think you know what it felt like to look up into your eyes and see nothing of the man I loved...
I didn't do as good of job as him. Even after all the months of study, I can only pretend to understand why he does what he does. But through all of it, he has always told me one thing. He has told me to make sure that I find my own reason to do what I...what I have done to you...
This isn't me trying to hurt you love. It's just a reaction. A balancing of the scales. The moment you cut into me with that scalpel, it was going to turn out like this.
And I didn't think I had the strength to do it. But then that thing came and gave me that gift last year...tried to give me the gift. It was the very scalpel you used on me. The one you discarded in the river.
But it found it...
And this year, I accepted the gift. And...I found what I needed to continue.
The Surgeon loves his music. It's something he has tried to impart on me. So...I looked. I searched like...I was looking for something missing. And I found it. I found my music.
Adagio in G Minor. By Albinoni.
It just randomly on the radio one day on my way to work. And I knew...I knew it was meant for me the way I thought you were.
Do you remember when we went to the barn sale together? It's been so long, I can't really remember when it happened. But, I think I still wanted things to work out then. Still believed they could. And I think that was the last time I was really happy with you.
The trip to the Christmas market. The trip to the theater...they all were close to that day at the barn sale. So very close. But I can't forget what it felt like to wake up and see you looking down at me. And...I know you tried your best, but I felt everything.
I just couldn't scream.
You are not a good person Michael. I didn't marry you because you were a good person. You have been sick for as long as I have known you. But you were always a good husband and a good father. I could bear some of it because I thought the rest was as it should be.
But we both know that wasn't the case really.
So...I am leaving you, but I am not letting you go on believing that you have any more right to me. Not because I need you to feel that way for me to move on.
I already have.
But I need you to believe it. I needed to do to you what you thought you did to me. I have hurt you enough so you will see the truth. And though I won't be around to see if I am right, I doubt even you could reason your way out of it.
I wish I could stay. Part of me really wishes I could. I can say that the time I spent with you...some of it was the happiest moments of my life.
At least they used to be.
But you have more in common with the monsters that inhabit this place than you do with regular people.
And I love you enough to want you to understand.
So I have done what you did to me and more.
I removed the skin from your face and polished the bone underneath. I've removed most of your tongue, and I carved our wedding vows into your chest. It will scar over, but you will always have those words to remember me by. You will probably lose your legs. I made a few mistakes along the way. But he says if I practice that I show real promise.
And I removed your ring finger so you can never be with someone without telling them the truth. Or a lie. But if you lie, then I promise you that I will find you and I will hurt so much more than I have.
Wellington Street is for monsters. You belong here just as much as I do now. But not together.
You need to be alone, because you are at your worst when you are with other people. When your actions can spill over onto others.
I wish there was a better way to end this final letter to you...we used to write so many. Back and forth. When we were younger. When we first started...
I love you Michael, more than anything.
Which is why I want what's best for both of us.
Goodbye my love.
There are some pain pills on the counter.
One last gift.
Sincerely, and with endless affection.