I am happy to have her back. I suppose that isn't surprising. I am trying to connect with her again. Feel wrong needing to work at that. Used to be really close. Now talking seems to be difficult. Not like we are fighting or anything. Just having trouble finding things to talk about. Told her about Loyd, and she could tell he was getting bigger.
Didn't mention the things he has been bringing home. Not that she isn't aware. Sure she reads these things. Just tired. Don't like having to go into it.
No idea what I am even supposed to do.
Problem with this place. So much fucked up. Get used to it. But when it gets really strange...you're used to just letting it pass. Hard to believe that something would get to me. After everything I've been through...that we have both been through.
Seeing her smile makes me happy. Didn't realize how much I have been missing her company. Didn't think much about how I was feeling about it. Now she is back it is pretty much all I am thinking about.
She is planning on taking night classes on the weekend. Think she is trying to give me an excuse to go back to therapy...
Suppose I should.
We are coming back round. Halloween is in a few months.
It's never a good time for me.
Lot's of memories. Been almost three years since I started writing here. Not sure where it leaves me. My kids are gone. Living with my sister. Just better that way...they don't want me around. I make Noah sick, because I am sick.
Has a lot changed? For Margaret a lot has changed. And...
I can't say I am okay with that.
I brought her into my life. Put her in the line of fire.
How does she forgive me? Has she forgiven me?
Always been like this. A little disconnected. On my end. Even with the medicine...
Going to go to therapy again. Think I have to. For the sake of my marriage. I think...it is time I talked about why I am like this now. My first wife...that's part of it I'm sure. But I was bad before that. I know that now. And the dog...
I've had time to process that.
Was in some remote village. Can't name the place...
Never learned the name. Probably not allowed to say even if I did.
At this point it doesn't matter. For all intents and purposes it doesn't exist anymore.
Traveling with a military escort. No other way to travel. At some point we got fired upon. I got separated and ran.
Not smart. Wasn't thinking. Just panicking.
Wandered away. Wandered for hours, just losing water. Thought I would die. Was sure I would die.
For being stupid. Just for being stupid.
Came upon a village.
What was left of it.
Someone had come through and killed everyone...well, almost everyone. But they hadn't been shot. I know what that looked like. The people had been torn apart...crushed and broken. I couldn't...I still can't imagine what could possibly have done that. What could have torn their heads from their bodies...
Only one left was a young girl. Couldn't have been more than eight. Flies were buzzing around her head. Clinging to her head. At first, I thought it was because she was injured or dying.
Got closer. Wasn't dying.
Was covered in blood.
Not her own blood.
Didn't really react to me. Just looked at me with dead, detached eyes. There were bodies in the hut. Probably her parents. Had been moved. Girl had hidden under their mangled bodies. And now...now she was just sitting there in the middle of the hut. Holding her mother's hand. What was left of it.
I tried to find other survivors, but she was the only one.
Tried to communicate. Didn't know much. Used translators.
She spoke back...I understood...somehow I understood...
Said she knew about the dog. Knew where it was buried. Said it didn't stay dead. Whispered about other things. Things I hadn't done yet...Was scared. Never been so scared in my life. Just sat down, looking at her...For the longest time.
Became dark. Military came through. Search and rescue. Hadn't traveled as far as I had thought.
Before they took her away, she whispered to me.
“Non Fel Virginia.”
Asked about her later. Medic who grabbed her was confused.
She was dead.
Was dead the whole time.
Since then I have done those things she spoke of. Not on purpose. Like a drive. That's when I nightmares about the thing in the desert started.
Was never right after that.