Centuries ago, members of the educated class discovered that they could no longer compete in football, baseball, and basketball, so they stole lacrosse from the American Indians to give them something to dominate.

From a, so far very good new book by David Brooks

If I could get his knowledge it might save me a long and weary hunt. But incredulity and indifference were evidently my strongest cards.

Finished it and it was good.

It's always fun to celebrate personal grandeur but also inaccurate. Despite what one article says, Jonathan Ive is not to credit for Apple's success. Apple success is from cover to cover computer production, Napster, cheap personal computers and music players, and high speed internet.

(Bakersville News)--In response to Amazon(AMZN) introducing a new ad-supported Kindle device Ikea plans to unveil an ad-supported bookcase. Company representatives report that their popular, though slowing in sales, Billy bookcase line has been deemed 'antiquated' by consumers and they hope that offering advertisements in the bookcase back paneling will restore consumer interest in this once ubiquitous line.

According to lead designer Sven Tostin, "the Billy (bookcase) series has always been popular at Ikea but we felt the need to make the next step in offering consumers the breadth of options they expect and receive other places". Ikea announced they will be partnering with Ford, Sony and Home Depot. "We are proud of all our partnerships but especially that with Home Depot as we hope consumers who lose our pre-packaged allen wrenches will first look there" Vice President of Operations Marc Aronson offered in the official announcement.

The bookcase line will be discounted fifteen dollars and be available mid-June.

Columbus, Ohio (Bakersville News) Local school officials announced they are shortening the 10th grade from nine to seven months. Taking their cue from the changes suggested by Governor Kasich, who implored state colleges to create a three-year bachelors program in an effort to have students in the workforce sooner. School chancellor Steve Robinson reverberated this feeling, "We feel the need to have Ohio high school students job ready for when they finish the tenth grade. Modeling ourselves after the higher education system we hope students enter better prepares them for that transition."

One school principal walked-through how they plan to change the curriculum "Our plan is to only require students to take Math, Science and English, their typical school day will consist of two of these three classes, lunch and then the third". Supporters of the plan to shorten the school year praise this focus, Dan Wakoneh, parent of a student "My son was being distracted by other subjects, I hope this focus better prepares him for the real world."

Critics point to the fact that even if this is a better plan students will still need to wait to begin the tenth grade, leaving them idle for five months instead of the usual three. The chancellor's and governor's offices was unavailable for comment on this matter.

El Paso, Texas (Bakersville News) Continuing his western swing collecting campaign contributions for the 2012 election effort, President Obama will be dining with unusual fare for the Friday DNC fundraiser in El Paso. Departing from the esteemed menus such as Wolfgang Puck catering during his San Francisco visit, the event will be served by the CBS Survivor crew catering staff.

Deputy director of event planning Casandra Hillis spoke highly of this unconventional choice; "we surveyed many different catering and dining providers and no-one reported being more satisfied after a meal than the expelled survivors who dined from this crew." Known for their ability to easily please, the menu is reported to be pulled pork with potato salad and lemonade.

One controversy surrounding this event was a misprint in the menu which originally included "liberal slathering of homemade sauce" and the president's entourage had subsequent menu printings change liberal to ample in an attempt to remind voters of President Obama's position as a moderate.

Asked if they'd had this meal before, traveling CBS reporters speaking on the condition of anonymity reported it was delicious but "passes you faster than today's news cycle."

Athens, Ohio (Bakersville News) Ohio University, facing falling financial support from the state government has decided to begin charging regular admission to students who wish to enter classes. Vice President of student affairs Steve Smith told reporters "If we mandate students live on campus and then raise the cost of that $500, we thought this was the logical next step." Mr Smith said the fees will be collected as students enter the room by student employees.

While many colleges are looking for alternative ways to generate revenue some people are skeptical of this idea.

"I don't really go to class all that often anyways, so I'm not sure how much this will affect me, if this was a required part of class though, then I might be angrier about it" added Brian Massey a junior engineering student at OU.

University administrators estimate that this will generate around $50,000 each year depending on the attendance rates and will be used for academic scholarships. "At Ohio University we believe that academic growth is a core component to our mission and we focus on this commitment to our core components that we believe in" added Vice President Smith. When pressed on what this meant he said it was on a banner outside his office door.

In a related note, the faculty senate voted to allow professors to place a 'tip jar' on their lecture podium.

Washington DC (Bakersville News) After the White House silenced some of their loudest critics by releasing President Obama's birth certificate, Republican senators have turned their focus in a new direction - his middle school attendance record.

Reporters scouring the Hawiaan records for his birth certificate have come across information that Obama's 8th grade perfect attendance award may have been forged. This controversy has arisen after his 8th grade math teacher responded to a question about the president and reflected: "Barack was a good student, even making up the homework he missed."

"This could be a very serious issue" Speaker of the House Boehner implied: "If that award led to his high school success, which beget law school and then the presidency; it all might be invalidated."

Major news media have begun picking up this story, Glenn Beck claims to have an 8mm film that shows the young president playing basketball on what Beck describes as "clearly it's a school day, clear as day he should have been at school and he obviously wasn't". Beck went on: "Not since the Zapruder film has video evidence been this important."

When asked to comment on these accusations Press Secretary Jay Carney said that the day in question was in fact a Saturday.

Cupertino CA (Bakersville News) According to an anonymous Apple engineer, the iPhone 5 will include a new email signature option for parents. In addition to: "Sent from my iPhone" users can append "If this is gibberish my child was likely playing Angry Birds."

The engineer said this need derived after he got an email from a co-worker with the subject line WADfahdfhajh43. Thinking this was the code name for a new Apple product the engineer raced to work only to find the doors locked and building empty.

"I was really embarrassed and knew that something needed done so that parents who gave their phones to their children as to eat a quiet meal, didn't have to explain indecipherable emails the next day."

No one at Apple would officially confirm or deny this change.

New York (Bakersville News) Southwest Airlines has announced an indefinite hold for its in-flight wifi program. "We were pleased with a few customers who took full advantage of this program but had to shut it down because most use was inappropriate" said Vice President of Technology Chris Simmons.

"Eighty percent of the bandwidth usage was dedicated to people updating their Facebook status only to say 'I'm updating my Facebook status at 30,000 feet', that doesn't even make sense."

Some customers supported this move, Cheryl Racie was disgusted one flight: "The man next to me was looking at things entirely inappropriate, I was embarrassed and uncomfortable sitting next to him". When pressed what sites or content her fellow passenger was looking at Cheryl reported: "The Drudge Report".

Simmons concluded that the program may be back under different circumstances but probably not in the immediate future.