Mike Dariano

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Fathers have One Job (book excerpt)

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Being the father is pretty damn easy. You get do the best part, creating the baby but you don’t grow the baby, you don’t deliver the baby, and you don’t nurse the baby. You and I have one job, take care of mommy, who does all these things.

It’s easy to take care of them if we do a few things and don’t do a few others. You’ll need to get weird foods at weird times. This is fine and you may offer some comfort snacking with your wife as a way of bonding. Remember that she’s feeding two humans while all you’re feeding is your ass and gut. You’ll need to do some baby shopping, or at least have an opinion. Here’s some advice, get a good rocking chair. Not the kind of wooden one on the porches of rural America, but a soft padded one you can fall asleep in. If you pick this out it will clear you from the bulk of most other shopping duties.

Shopping duties finished, there will be few other things to do as well. Something around your house will need assembled, you can do that. Even the least handy guys, myself included, can put together the eight pieces of a crib. That’s fewer pieces than a jigsaw puzzle any toddler can do. You’ll also need to practice changing diapers. If you don’t practice you’ll find yourself wishing you did as you’re trying to decipher which end goes up as your naked offspring prepares to pee all over you.

During the delivery there are a few things you can do. You can tell no jokes, you can not blow gum bubbles or make any noises . You can not pretend to be in charge of anything and you can make no comment about being tired or hungry. Birthing mothers are only a few steps away from pulling the needle out of her arm and stabbing is with it because we smiled funny.

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