Linus Rylander

writer, entrepreneur, maverick

author, copywriter, lifestyle strategist
linusrylander

That thing you need more than food or sex

  • linusrylander
  • 9 years ago
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Michael: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex. 
Sam: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex. 
Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization? 

~ The Big Chill (1983)

Yesterday I was talking on Skype with a client of mine who is a dating coach. He teaches men how to destroy inhibitions and other weird behaviors so they can really express themselves around women.

In any case, we briefly discussed how some students are... how every single group of people will organize themselves into chunks of 5%, 15% and 80%.

In any group of people, there will be a top 5% who are kicking ass and taking names, 15% who are doing pretty good, and the bottom 80% who aren’t doing much of anything.

And... within that top 5%, there will be another top 5%, a 15% and a bottom 80%. Very interesting stuff if you ask me.

Anyway, it got me thinking how... out of the 7 principles of magnetism, number 7 is by far the most difficult to actually follow. [#7: “Take Everything Personally, Take Nothing Seriously”]

In the dating world, there are some men who are walking encyclopedias of dating advice and seduction know-how. They take it so far as to advice other people online and even in real life. They know what to do. They’re experts...

... Experts who do not personally have a successful dating life. In part because they stay locked in their cave trying to sound intelligent online.

The idea of taking everything personally is a very large concept I won’t go into detail about here (read my book) but on a micro-scale, it can be very simple.

Like simply deciding to DO something with everything you learn.

I know plenty of walking, talking, veritable marketing Capital-J-Jeeniuses... who have extraordinarily crappy websites.

They happily share their wisdom with others, but somehow cannot seem to apply it for themselves.

This is like, an epidemic in all information marketing businesses, or for anyone who gives advice to people.

You give your advice, and your audience will nod their heads and smile in agreement...

... and then, invariably, without fail, they will find some reason or some irrational way to make it so that advice applies to everyone alive... except for themselves.

The “my customers are different” excuse. Every business owner thinks that their customers are different, and therefore this amazing marketing strategy won’t work for them.

Not only that, but everyone seems to think that they and their circumstances are also different.

In the first chapter of my book there is an exercise I think you should follow that will force quantum leaps in your social freedom and your self-image, self-confidence, and whole bunches of other cool things like that. It involves a relatively user-friendly way to strike up conversations with strangers. Sounds like a weird thing to do without the full context of the exercise, but for now just trust me on this one.

Anyway, I got a bunch of people who emailed me and said “Oh, but I am 42 years old, have a wife and two children... I can’t go around talking to strangers!” ... uhm... what? What on earth does your family situation have to do with your ability to move your feet and use your vocal cords?

Nothing, that’s what.

Just another way to make it so that MY ADVICE THAT THEY FULLY AGREE WITH will not apply to them.

As I have said before, our biggest NEED as human beings, way above things like food, shelter, survival and reproduction... is our need to stay within our comfort zone. Just stay in that little box marked “my perception of the world.” 

That box is what you think is reality, and everything outside of that box is a violation of what is real. Right? Yeah.

I have been having difficulty explaining to people what my book is about... and I guess, more than anything it is about smashing that box, and living in the world honestly, box-free.

My advice for today: Pay special attention to Habit #7. It’s very important. Once you embrace it, your world will never be the same.

It's still only $2.99 on amazon at the time of this writing. WIll probably go up in the relatively near future.

###

Word count: 666. Hah.

Today’s listening music: ‘Round Midnight - Art Pepper

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Al McBride
  • Al McBride
  • 9 years ago
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Yes, expanding your comfort zone, by a lot of psychology types' definitions, is how we grow. If you're not growing you're stagnating or dead. That's the reasoning, which is probably accurate and parallel to what you're saying. The rationalizations are the excuse to stay nice and comfortable, unchallenged and safe. 

In that somewhat controversial book 'Nuture Shock', (dreadful title), the author discusses studies of different child rearing styles. One where the children were told they were brilliant, or talented or so smart at x or y activity. Then the other group were praised not on their accomplishments but on their level of effort; see tenacity, patience, determination. The second group spent far longer on unfamiliar problems and tasks where as the first group when they discovered they were struggling outside their comfort zone they ditched much earlier. 

It was the conflict between 'mommy told me i was good at math, now I can't do this math, <panic> better ditch and pretend it didn't happen'. The opposite approach obviously had a different reaction, the thinking was 'I can't do this, yet, let's explore this and play with that, oh what do you know I think I got the answer'. More in the second group got the answers on the little test, but for those who didn't, it wasn't important as it wasn't in direct opposition to their parentally influenced self-image. 

What are we but big kids. I'd argue that what you're saying is similar. Following from yesterday, your sense of your life in narrative helps remove any self image clashes other people might suffer from. I may fail at this task or that, but it doesn't make me a failure, that's the difference in philosphy. Many people over extend one small area of their life to be overly significant in the rest, not seeing the bigger picture, the broader canvas, the wood from the trees. 

Like it Linus, like it a lot! 

author, copywriter, lifestyle strategist
linusrylander
  • linusrylander
  • 9 years ago
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Al, 

That study is fascinating. Highly related to principle 3 (Trust in the process) -- focusing on the process of doing things, rather than some kind of preferred outcome. Professional poker players are focused on playing correct poker to the best of their abilities, as opposed to being focused on winning the game. Enormous difference, and a differentiator between the top 1% and the bottom 80% in almost any field.

Being detached from outcome is a must if you ever want to have a high level of satisfaction with your life.

Guess I'll have to check out that book now.

Thanks for the note.

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Deleted
  • Deleted
  • 9 years ago
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How do you reconcile "playing correctly" with "take everything personally"? I focus on playing correctly, but my results are the measure of how well I did that, and it makes sense to me to take them personally. To feel the need to get them right.

What's your take?

author, copywriter, lifestyle strategist
linusrylander
  • linusrylander
  • 9 years ago
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As I mentioned in the post, the idea of taking everything personally is really a much larger issue, and from the limited perspective I gave in this post I can see why that would be confusing.

The full "principle" is to take everything personally but take nothing seriously.

In a poker scenario, this means you focus on playing correct poker, but you are independent of the outcome. If you win or lose the pot doesn't matter, because you know you did your best and maximized your chances of winning...

The reasoning is that you can never control outcomes, only process. You can learn poker and get better at it. You can take that knowledge and "execute the program." You can stay in control of that... and base your sense of satisfaction on your ability to execute the program well.

Most people base their sense of who they are, their self-worth, etc, on external circumstances that they cannot control. LIke whether they win or lose at poker. A recipe for disaster in the long term. It leaves your happiness to the whims of the world.

If there was ever a science to becoming happy, this kind of stuff lies at the heart of it, as well as Piano Theory and the rest of the 7 principles.

Sorry if this is confusing you further, I didn't have time to go through this comment and edit out the rough or unclear spots. Just let me know if there's anything else you are unclear on.

Fighting the good fight - to make the body congruent with the soul... Old blog http://3rddimension.wordpress.com New blog http://sett.com/thetinyoctopus/
War in Heaven
  • War in Heaven
  • 9 years ago
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Not sure if I'm answering your question directly but I am reminded of my days playing 8 ball (billiards, hit balls with sticks, etc) back in college. I'm not sure if you've ever played pool so just to sum it up in 8 ball pool you can do nothing right and win and you can do everything right and lose. This happens because one shooter hitting the 8 ball in a hole when it's not the last ball in the game will cause an instant loss for the shooter.

So anyway 8 ball represents a poster child case of not taking results seriously but rather focusing on process. When I started out playing pool I'd chase the same ball around the table for 7 or 8 turns trying to hit it in while my opponent was cleaning up the rack. Inadvertantly right before a moment of victory they'd accidentally hit the 8 ball into a hole 2 or 3 balls prematurely and lose the game. Despite my opponent playing MUCH better than me they would end up losing. Despite my horrible sense of aim and geometry I'd end up winning in that case - but it definitely did NOT feel like I won. With 8ball I took a lot more satisfaction from the process rather than the result. I may have lost plenty of games but I would never forget the thrill and satisfaction of making a hard angle shot or my first bank shot perfectly into a corner pocket.

Poker has this happen alot too as Linus mentions. You can play process optimally and someone will hit the nuts on the river and take you out despite doing everything right.

author, copywriter, lifestyle strategist
linusrylander
  • linusrylander
  • 9 years ago
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This is a really good example. Thanks. When I think about it, I can't come up with a single thing where you can consistently control an outcome. Even in very scientific processes like, say, computer programming - things will invariably go wrong at some point or another.

If you attach yourself to outcomes, you're shooting yourself in the foot. No one wins.

A lot of people make the distinction of "playing to win" as opposed to "playing not to lose." Out of the two, I'd say that playing to win gives you a better shot at actually winning, but there is also a third, superior option: Playing to play.

I'd boil success at anything down to three things:

1. Degree of internal blockage - the less the better. Most of us have mountains of debris and shitty beliefs that force us to sabotage ourselves. I used to have tons of it. Even though I was practically a walking encyclopedia of marketing knowledge, I always figured out a way to screw things up. This is probably the most overlooked thing out of all of these.

2. Mastery of fundamentals - the fundamentals are always the things that matter in the end. Everyone who is really good at anything has a relentless dedication to learn the fundamentals, and will make a habit of staying in touch with them. Most really good copywriters still read "Scientific Advertising" at least once a year.

3. Relentless forward motion - RFM if you like acronyms. You can't get good at something standing still. You certainly can't move forward standing still. As Gary Halbert used to say "Movement beats meditation." More specifically, doing a lot of stuff in a lot of different ways is how you gain reference experience, and that is how you can become "unconsciously competent" at something. Your brain makes the connections from doing things. Trial and error is the natural - and only - way to actually learn something for real.

Fighting the good fight - to make the body congruent with the soul... Old blog http://3rddimension.wordpress.com New blog http://sett.com/thetinyoctopus/
War in Heaven
  • War in Heaven
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Sound advice! I'm working continually on point #1 myself - internal blockage. What's funny is supposedly the more powerful your mind is the more internal blockage can become an issue as it is the same power but tuned to a dark polarity. I sometimes wonder if I were a bit less reflective and mentally oriented if I'd have an easier time with internal blockage as I wouldn't have an industrial powerhouse dumping waste product into my neurons every second :D.


Been browsing the blog and all solid stuff - will be getting your book in the near future to turn the tide.

author, copywriter, lifestyle strategist
linusrylander
  • linusrylander
  • 9 years ago
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Thanks. And btw - http://dirtsimple.org/ - the not-currently-being-updated blog of PJ Eby. In any case PJ is the smartest guy I have ever seen or heard when it comes to head trash and "mind hacking" (as he calls it) stuff. A bunch of free stuff, including six or seven free chapters from a book.

I had a MAJOR breakthrough just last night as a result of his IDOC process.

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Al McBride
  • Al McBride
  • 9 years ago
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Playing correctly may not be judged by winning or losing a couple of games, it's a longer term aggregate of form, and hopefully improvement of form. By concentrating on process you will improve, and on the whole more and more victories will come your way. 

I would argue that taking it personally but not seriously gives better perspective and gives greater awareness of your victories and defeats. You see the reasons why you won or lost more clearly and objectively. That can enhance your knowledge which can be applied through process. So knowledge and experience mixed with a good process should make you improve. 

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