Haven't written much I know. It turns out that even bad sex is funner than writing about Korea. Bad sex makes for good stories though, and I've collected a few this year.
I never wrote much about the one girl I briefly dated in Korea. Although the grace period for discretion is over, there are only two things I feel I should mention anymore: One, We met on OkCupid. Two, I would eat someone else's dinner out of her, that is how sweet her fuckholes tasted.
I used OKCupid in the States, but nobody seemed interested in an oral sex exchange. I picked it up again halfway into my first contract in 2012. Here are the highlights from my time spent on OkCupid, which are also the highlights of my sad and vacuous life on the ROK.
1- The X
What I learned from years of not getting laid is that if you're not making the first move on a girl, somebody else is making theirs. I messaged her as soon as I got the impression that if our genitals were to ever intersect, she might find it agreeable. After two weeks of chatting about who sucks how many dicks on what days, we made plans and met at safe location.
OKCupid Tip: Always meet internet strangers in a safe location. This is to avoid the temptation of non-consensual penetration. Ever try raping a man in a busy coffee shop? Can’t be done.
We started dating 'officially' a week later. We didn’t use condoms the first time we had sex, which sets the bar so high that the idea of any remotely safe sex act can no longer be entertained. Had we not dived right into each other, I may never have given her the
best second best rimjob of my life.
This is how fast it got intensely hot and fucked up:
A month after our first date, she told me never to pull out when I cum, because it feels like “you’re breaking up with me.” I do recall thinking it was strange that she preferred to have my cum leaking out of her for a few hours rather than chilling on her tits. But I didn’t take issue with it, since she was on Implanon™. What can I say? We were in love.
She demoted me from boyfriend to fuckbuddy shortly before my birthday because I “have a shit sense of humor,” which of course, I think is funny. On my birthday, she invited me over and cooked me mushroom lasagna. That night, as I was going down on her, I tasted and then observed a trail of semen dripping from one of her holes. Unsure which hole, I paused for half a step before shrugging it off. I had inseminated her the night before, so the cum belonged to me probably. She did warn me that she hadn't showered for 24 hours, I just don't remember whether that was before or after I decided to eat her out. You might think that makes her look bad, but read this paragraph again and you'll see that it says a lot more about me.
Tip #2: Play with butts, but also get tested.
The story finally ends when her sister convinces her that she doesn’t respect herself if she keeps having nasty hot no-strings-attached sex with me. A feminist who gets her morals from another woman, color me shocked!
2- The Sliz
The relationship ended in January, and I met Sliz about five months later. I already explained how we met in The Best Rimjob I Ever Gave,
but the current situation is we have until August to keep fucking, so she can have a week to detox her pussy of foreign dick for her boyfriend's arrival [written in August].
Before I met Sliz, I didn't use condoms since I'd never tested positive for anything but antisocial behavioral disorder so obviously that meant I was immune to all STDs. But her boyfriend was kind enough to let me inside of his girlfriend, so I had to respect his wishes. It was agonizing, and not just for me; some girls love semen, but Sliz had a full-blown cum fetish.
Towards the end, her boyfriend got really upset when I did her finances for her (I'm pretty good at that), and that was that. She left Korea in August, and it didn't take much longer for her relationship to go sour. She's still a good friend of mine, in addition to the best sex I've ever had (I'm not her best), and I'm excited to touch dicks again in March.
3- The V
We had good conversation- too good. This just lead to more texting, the lowest form of communication short of Twitter or Braille. She was a virgin, which when combined with a nosy Korean-American friend, caused her to not take a bus 4 hours away to spend the weekend at my place. She confessed to desires of being spanked, dominated, and inseminated, so we set a date. I came up to Seoul and after eating a disgusting amount of Uzbek food, we went back to her place to watch Secretary and fuck like she'd never been fucked before which was easy because she hadn't. This was my first time having sex with a virgin. And I’ll never forget the lamb soup. Yum!
Actually, this girl is now my closest friend in Korea. She's lost 55 pounds since I met her too.
TIP #3: If she answers “6 or more dates” to the “How many dates before having sex?” question, she's probably a waste of time and space. But she might not be.
4- The Jew
Intellectual without being pretentious. If you'd have told me I'd ever describe an alumnus of Oberlin that way, I'd have laughed at you. But her banter was not why I was interested. I just wanted to bang a Jewess. I grew up around so many hot Jews and none of them ever gave me the time of day. This was my time to shine.
I met her at the same Uzbek restaurant as I took #3, Fortune. She didn't live in Seoul, and it was a Sunday, so first date sex was not likely. We did fuck once a few weeks later and it was ridiculous. First, there was no oral sex from either party. Then, she wanted to do her favorite position, which meant lifting one leg up, receiving my dick, then bringing her leg back down under me to lie in a perfectly stiff, supine position. Good for her for knowing what she wants, but it was hard not to laugh at how ridiculous this position was. The rest of the sex felt like rape except way less dynamic. I asked, “Are you feeling anything at all?” and she said, “Sorry, I just go numb after I cum.” I laughed at this, pulled out and went in the shower to finish myself off. My first Jewess experience was a total comedy of errors. She had a surprisingly shapely body if that counts for anything.