I've heard a lot of bad things about Itaewon but I had nothing better to do on a Sunday night, so off we went. Brett, Tom, and I thought it was a lot better than we expected (Kari did not). For a Sunday it was still swarming with people.
The first thing we did was find a hookah bar, and we happened on BricX. BricX is a sick and slutty hookah joint with aptly named shots. You may find it a bit cheesy if you're a humorless cunt. They have a DJ playing high energy electro lounge music, sometimes quite loud. The décor is great, but the prices are not, so pregame heavily before coming here.
Here comes the part where I don't embellish on my stories. The nice couches were taken and half of us were seated on these backless stools like hunched over jackasses, right in front of the DJ. The placement would have been a fine for dancing, pretending to care about someone's opinion on what the US should do in the Middle East, or cunnilingus, but for a bunch of sober people trying to smoke hookah, it was way too loud.
After ten minutes of indecisiveness, I said fuck it, let's leave, and so we fucked off and walked around Itaewon until the guy who doesn't drink and the girl who didn't like anything left. The three of us remaining bought a bunch of soju and proceeded to get drunk on the porch of a pie restaurant and count black people. I stopped keeping track at zero. Also, we ate a pie- it was good, thanks for asking. Now about this pie restaurant- it's at the bottom of the most notorious hill in Itaewon. If you keep going up the road the first left is Hooker Hill. The third left is Homo Hill, and the fourth left is Pedophile Nazis and Anal Fisting Cum Swappers Hill. Just kidding, fourth hill leads to a mosque. Me and Brett decided that the right thing to do would be to go score some xannies, so we went to look for the type of people who have the highest chance of being in possession; black. No, that's not true, you're racist for thinking that.
I spotted a place called Candy Bar up the hill and figured, “Why not, we are looking for candy after all.” This little pink box was a thinly veiled front for prostitution while being symbolic of the vaginality of the bar's undertones. The sole hooker at the bar looked like she didn't know how to suck a dick. I didn't know they had Spencer's Gifts in Korea cause that's where this bitch got her entire outfit right down to the heels. Dissing a hooker for looking like a hooker is retarded I know, but the cliché is still funny when it's right in your face. It was really bothering me that she wore no makeup to cover up her self-loathing and shame. That's kind of important for inspiring boners, but hey I wasn't there to tell her how to do her job.
“Strong drinks. We want cheap ass strong drinks.”
And just like that, Candy Bar went from not having a menu to 5k shots of 151 poured to the rim. We downed the fire and didn't have to wait for the weird to kick in. The ajumma went over to Tom and started asking him for a massage. I was like whoa there Wrinkly Kong let the ho do the ho'ing, but I'm guessing she was feeling reminiscent of her prime pussy peddling days.
Wrinkly Kong “You are 22? My son is your age.”
Tom: “Really? How old are you?”
There's your answer. While Tom was massaging this tragedy of a person, my attentions turned to the half-skank.
“Who taught you how to do your makeup?”
“[I don't remember her response]”
“Yeah, that's what I thought. Take a shot with us.”
“Maybe if you buy me a shot. But my drinks are expensive. It costs 20,000 won.”
“Are you worth it? Because that guy sitting next to you can suck dick better than you.”
After they realized that we weren't going to buy them drinks let alone a piece of pussy, their attentions went back to the little TV screen that monitors the street.
Not forgetting our original purpose, I ask about the Xanax. “Do you know where we can get some candy? Xanax? PILLS,” I yell, motioning my fingers into my mouth. She gave me a look of absolute disgust, like I was the biggest piece of shit in the world. Save the judging for St. Peter, whore.
We left to continue our quest up Hooker Hill with me in the vanguard. Hooker Hill is more sad than it is slutty. Nobody's parading their pussies out on the street, and the working girls hanging in the bars within sight were not on their A-game. I went up to more than a few with my one question, the only question, and most of them recoiled in horror. Brett could not stifle his laughter at how offended these women were getting. Nobody should ever be scared that hookers are going to call the cops on them.
Hooker hill was lame as shit, we left because Tom had a great idea of what to do next. We went and found the nearest group of drunk guys (Americans).
“Excuse me do you guys know where Homo Hill is?”
“You mean Hooker hill?”
“No, Homo hill.”
“HOMO HILL? WHY, ARE YOU GAY?”
Go hard or go home right? After a few more tries with varying degrees of failure, Tom went up and asked a soldier (they aren't marines). He was walking away so Tom actually had to chase him down, and when he turned around he had a serious 'stache goin on and looked a lot older than 19, more like 49.
I wish that this confrontation ended any other way than it did. But this is how it happened, and this is the story that I walked away with. Much to our surprise the man was quite polite and gave Tom clear directions to Homo Hill while his compatriots waited. He even answered honestly when Tom asked if other soldiers would be as nice as he was if asked that question.
“No, they probably wouldn't.”
And a nice day to you, sir for giving American soldiers a good image. Our night ended with empty-handed and wasted, but with our teeth still intact and not in jail, so I'll count that as a win.
Now that I've talked about what I did see of the Seoul nightlife, it's worth noting what I didn't see-
Gangnam- An unimpressive place during the day, but purportedly the 2nd biggest nightlife district in Seoul. Rich people party here, supposedly.
Apgujeong- Not much here but very expensive bars and some quasi-clubs but because it's the richest hood in Seoul, it's full of hot, rich young people.
Sinchon- I was here for a few hours, but this neighborhood is absolutely enormous. No clubs that I know of, but countless generic bars and karaoke joints from the floor to 18 stories up. This is as low as prices will go in Seoul, very popular amongst young people. Me and Brett got into some weird ass shit here which I'll talk about next time.