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I just got back from a football match in Seomantri Stadium, Jakarta. I was playing with my friends against another team, and we won. The final score is 3-2. It was a good match, a competitive and tough match for both team. On each half, the starting line up – all ten of them, excluding the goalie – got substituted by the bench player on the halfway mark. It means, on each half, when it reached the 22nd minute, the substitution took place. While resting on the sideline, I lay down on the ground, looking far up to the sky and I realize something. Something familiar while at the same time irritating.
I was looking up and saw many tall buildings. Buildings with various corporations’ name on top of it, with a reddish horizon extended from east to west. I heard different sounds coming from cars, motorcycles, people yelling, referee’s whistle, and other indescribable creatures. I also saw a light up above the sky. Not coming from the moon, not sure if it was a plane, Iron Man, stars, or a planet. In short, I was experiencing so much. I saw and heard many familiar things, but yet I felt alone. I felt guilty. I feel guilty.
All of sudden, every mistake, negligence, and any deviant act that I’ve ever done flash upon my head. I tried to closed my eyes over and over again, hoping that all of those feelings will go away. But I couldn’t. Those things were just piling up continuously, until the level where I felt like this is some sign from God that I have to face it, grow from it, and learn from it. I don’t know how and why in such a short period of time I got that kind of epiphany. I don’t even know if it’s an epiphany or a curse. All I think about was that I have to find a way to face all of my past mistakes. And the most effective shortcut is to write them down.
One of the mistake that flashed through my exhausted self today was my behaviour when I was in Junior Highschool. As you may know, I was a member of my JHS’ basketball team. There were twelve of us in one team, and we met everyday, we trained, we compete, and we created a strong bonding with each other. We’re not just a team, but we are family. As I looked back to those days, I realized that we were belong to an exclusive group with so tiny access for external actors to blend in. We monopolized a convinience store in front of the school, we monopolized the canteen, and of course we monopolized the court. And I’m just trying to see our act from other student’s perspective. If I wasn’t part of the basketball team, if I was just an ordinary student, I will assure you that I will confront the team just so that I had a similar chance to hang out on places I want to. Therefore, I’m sorry if my or our behavior harm, directly or indirectly, any parties around us. I’m sorry, and I’m sure my team are too.
The next thing that instantly came through my mind was my mistakes as the chief of the student council (OSIS) back in my days in Senior Highschool. My close friend just wrote a blog about us. He describes each one of the student council’s member, including me. In my part, he said that:
If I’ve learned anything these past few years it’s that the people around you have a big influence on your life and can determine not only if you reach your goals and aspirations but also what those goals and aspirations become. Our minds are built by feedback. We (yes, everybody) go out into the world everyday with a certain swagger that reflects our opinion of the world around us. The way we talk to others, walk down the street, attend to responsibilities, treat our belongings, strive for our wants, and everything we do transmits our opinion of the world. People and things around us react to our broadcasted selves (our opinions) and give us a different perspective.
The signals others give us can agree or disagree with our own opinions. When they agree we gain confidence in our view of the world and tend to put more effort into actualizing the selves we wish to become. In other words: We think we right, so we wanna show everyone the light. We begin to expand outwards, spreading our broadcasted views on the world.
Disagreement leads to questioning; we begin to question other views on the world as well as our own. First, we turn inward to examine our beliefs and see if they hold up in our world. Then, we look towards others; perhaps they see something we don’t. Perhaps they have experienced something unknown to us. Sometimes though, insecurity in our beliefs can lead to overly defending them, rather than opening up to amendments. We can sometimes become blind and lose ourselves in the cover of our shields.