Like many of you, I have my moments when I get a little bothered and frustrated. Once in a while, I feel like pulling at my very pretty Asian hair, stomping on the ground (doing little pirouettes in the air in between stomps, naturally), and speaking in my Darth Vader Man-Voice as I curse the world and all its spoils!!!
Why? You ask? Well, there are certain things that do bother me on a more than regular basis. Thankfully, there aren't that many, and I use my very calm, inscrutable Asian mystique to get over these little bits of evil.
So, without further ado, I present to you . . .
GORDON'S ANNUAL PET PEEVE LIST FOR 2013
10. Pedestrians who cross the street WHILE I AM DRIVING!
So, in general, I have nothing against pedestrians. I get it. They have a zero carbon footprint and get plenty of exercise. There's fresh air and our natural world to explore. That's fine and dandy and all, but they often like to jump out into oncoming traffic just to cross the street. The ones that really annoy me are the pedestrians who do not use crosswalks (or sidewalks!). As a rule, I like to avoid things that become a danger to themselves and others. In my book, reckless pedestrians are right up there with reckless bicyclists and reckless drivers. So, when I get in my car to go somewhere, could you all just stay home? Please? Pretty Please?
9. Parents who let their children act like lunatics in public
Kids will be kids. They often act up because they may not know the best way to communicate their feelings. Maybe they're tired, hungry, or need attention. I have no problem with that. I do, however, have a problem with parents who have no control over their children.
Temper tantrums in the produce department at the supermarket. Pushing and shoving other children. Making an absolute mess of a waiting room. Blood-curdling screaming to high heaven. I'm not saying that all of this is completely avoidable or that parenting is easy by any means. But there are plenty of parents in the world who have well-mannered children. I applaud them for doing the hard work it takes to establish boundaries and exact some degree of decorum when out in public. This will bode well for the future self-aware and thoughtful adults that their children will become.
8. People who wear pajamas in public
Call me old-fashioned, or being a victim of too many Downton Abbey episodes, but why do some people wear pajamas in public? I can understand wearing sweats if you just came from the gym or even a bathing suit on a hot summer day, but I have to draw the line at pajamas. As comfortable as they are, it sets a slovenly and grubby precedent for generations to come. One's appearance may not be everything, but it can be a reflection of how you respect and care for yourself. So, in the morning, take off the pajamas and put on a dazzling outfit. We should not impose limits on being beautiful inside and out. So, by all means, be beautiful.
Gross. Just. Gross.
6. Skinny Jeans
Invariably, skinny jeans only produce the opposite effect of what they seem to imply. I've thought this many times, and I'm about to say this out loud. People who aren't skinny should not wear skinny jeans. Maybe you have curvy hips, fuzzy hairy legs, or very muscular calves. These are things to be proud of, but they look downright appalling in a pair of skinny jeans. These jeans try to create a false shape but only succeed in distorting the actual, and quite lovely, shape that's been biologically given. Oh and by the way, I don't think skinny people look good in skinny jeans either. Why? Two words: chicken legs. Oh and two more: Not flattering. Oh and three more: eat a hamburger.
If you want to show off your legs (skinny or otherwise), wear shorts or a pretty A-line skirt with heels. Don't force them to be something they're not. Embrace every curve, every inch of soft, fuzzy hair, or that toned calf muscle and show them off!!
Lastly, skinny jeans just don't look comfortable. I, for example, am a male with male body parts and, to my dismay, have somewhat of a little bubble butt. The badunkadunk needs to breathe. My tail feather needs room for shaking. Enough said.
5. Ashton Kutcher
Nope, and well, nope.
4. Faux Country Music
I live in Nashville, the country music capital of the known universe. As an artist and musician, I bow down at the altar of classic country greats like Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash, and Willie Nelson. They are part of an acoustic tradition of music that lilts and sways to a graceful twang borne out of real experiences and southern grit. Flash forward to this modern day when you can't distinguish between a "country" song by Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood/Lady Antebellum and a pop song by Katy Perry. The problem is that the more a "country" song sounds like a pop song, the more money it makes. It's not the tradition that matters any more. It's all about the greed. Thankfully, I'll always have Dolly on my record player.
3. Director Michael Bay
I am a huge Transformers Fan. In another life, I like to think that I was a small green Toyota pick-up truck that transformed into a badass intergalactic warrior!! When I heard that they would have their own movie franchise, I was super stoked! But when I saw the actual films, I was a little mad. Ok, a lot mad. Even though the special effects were magnificent and portrayed Optimus Prime as the GOD THAT HE IS, the films lacked depth and a compelling story. The first of the series showed a lot of promise, but the whole thing just went downhill from there. Director Michael Bay seems to think that if you just blow stuff up and have a bunch of fight scenes, this will be enough. Well, they weren't. The Transformers franchise, in my book, had the potential to be up there with the greats--Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, and heck, at least as good as the X-men series and Iron Man. They could have been every thing that their name implies, transformative in every sense, but alas, Mr. Bay spoils the day. This pretty much pisses me off every time I think about it. Oh well, I have my Optimus Prime action figure to console me.
2. People who do not return shopping carts to a kiosk and leave them strewn about the parking lot
I have to admit that this is a strange pet peeve, but it really does bother the bejesus out of me!!! Why? Well, a shopping cart, when left unattended, can become a holy terror!! Just let a huge gust of wind come by and off they go to ram into cars or topple over. It particularly irks me when one is taking up a parking spot all by itself. GRRRRRRRR!!!!! That spot could have been mine!! TO WANDA!!!!!!! To all shopping cart users of the world, could you just take a minute to take them over to the kiosk so that it can bond with its shopping cart friends and talk about boys? This would spare them from witnessing my Asian wrath in the parking lot. Just sayin'.
1. Little Monsters
I might actually be referring to real monsters, but seriously, I am referring to the fans of a certain pop star named Lady Gaga. I have no problem with artists having fans and a healthy following, but I draw the line at a group of people who have a mob, cult-like mentality regarding anything having to do with their savior. For example, let's say I went over to youtube to watch a Justin Beiber video, and as I hum along to the catchy tune I scroll down to read the comments. Lo and behold, there they are spewing venom on the lesser Justin (I love you Justin Timberlake, but I digress.). Can't a pop star just sing his song and show off his abs in peace? They attack everyone. Katy Perry, Britney, Ke$ha, Rihanna, and anyone else who could rival the success of their chosen one is spat upon and demoralized. It's unbelievable and has reached a level of online bullying that is just not necessary. Of course, it's no secret that I am a huge Madonna fan, and they are particularly cruel to the Queen of Pop. I also draw the line at Madonna-bashing. They will rue the day . . .
Is it possible to be a fan of an artist and be respectful of other artists and their fans simultaneously? I certainly hope so. Besides, whose idea was it to call these people monsters to begin with? Oh right, I know who. I hope she knows that it is becoming an unfortunate and rather sad self-fulfilling prophecy.
So there it is! My Pet Peeve list for 2013!! I am also preparing my favorite things of 2013 list , and it shall be posted soon.
Thank you for reading and feel free to leave a comment. I'm curious. What drives you crazy?
Okay, so, actually it's early on a Monday morning, but oops, oh well. I spent this morning sending out invites to my show that takes place in exactly a week . . . . My good friend Benjamin Rumble designed this promo banner for me. Isn't it really cool? I just got done watching a good bit of the VMA's tonight. There were some pretty good performances. Those Jonas Brothers can actually sing and play instruments. I hope they'll be given room to grow creatively. It would be tragic if they were singing the same kinds of songs ten years from now. Oh gosh, Britney looked fan-freakintastic!!! She won a slew of awards without barely even trying. Maybe Mtv felt bad about her performance last year. Who knows. She certainly has a knack for getting a lot of the attention. Watching all of this got me thinking about how much the music industry has changed. All of it is so glossy and youth-oriented right now, and hip-hop is huge. It seems as if money is dictating the madness. Oh, I don't know. The skirts are skimpier. Rappers' jeans droop lower. Mens' jeans are skinnier. There is this insatiable need to take everything to provocative extremes. Well, I suppose that's what you call entertainment, but I miss the days when people were also allowed to be subtle and understated. I'm headed for another busy week of deadlines and preparations. Maybe someday I can hire an assistant. There's just too much to do. I'm just going to have to prioritize. I took some sleeping pills to make sure I get plenty of rest. They are kicking in right about now as I am yawning. I've got a bunch of goodies to post this week at WPR (Where Pianos Roam). Stay tuned. -g
Ladies? Yeah! Ladies! Yeah? Wanna roll in my Mercedes? Hell yeah! Then shake it! Shake it! Shake that healthy butt.
Baby got back.
Ahem. Ladies.. this one's for you. Indirectly, it's for me. Today we're going to take a critical and mildly chauvinistic look at what makes a woman more attractive to a guy.