I don't really know what I'm doing right now, but after much animated storytelling, my friends have told me I should start a blog. Maybe that means that they don't want to hear my stories anymore, so they want me to find a creative outlet where I can ramble on endlessly about useless things, but who knows.
Anyway, because I'm young, I feel like I don't know a whole lot about anything. Sure, I'm on an academic scholarship here at university (which, by the way, I am doing an excellent job at attempting to keep--I have a philosophy exam tomorrow morning and yet here I am, writing this post), but really, I forced myself to lead such a sheltered life in high school that I feel like I don't know much about this magical thing called being a teenager. In high school, I watched anime and Korean dramas and screamed and cried over boys that don't know I exist--which I still do--so now, as a university student, I have begun my quest to understand the mechanics of getting drunk and kissing a lot of boys. Three weeks in and I have gained much of this desired knowledge.
I suppose before I can really talk much about my new life and how I'm living it, 1600km away from home, I should start from the beginning. I warn you though--it's not really anything special.
Now, when I say I am questing for the secret to kissing whatever boys I want, that makes it sound as if I have no idea how to do so already, but that is not the case. See, when I was in kindergarten I was apparently a master at the art of kissing boys. I had a grand old time kissing my fellow four and then five year-old classmate/boyfriend named Daniel (or something) until I moved across town and started at a new school. After that I had not much luck, until sixth grade when a boy decided he liked me enough to ask me to be his sixth grade girlfriend, and, not really seeing a downside to it, I accepted. He was a glorious sixth grade boyfriend for seven months until I decided I was bored and didn't really like him much anyway. I wasn't missing out on much after that, just a few hugs or something, but no kisses. Darn. Sometime before that though, I kissed a boy named Brandon when we were playing hide-and-seek, but I don't think he remembers.
Flash forward two years later, and I found myself in another situation where I could've kissed a boy. There was a boy I did not get along with at all, but I had feelings for him, and I didn't like it. At least, didn't like it until I found out that he had feelings for me too, and after that point, I was very pleased with those feelings. Still being close to the beginning of that wonderful stage of life called puberty, we were awkward and he couldn't even ask me to be his girlfriend himself because he was so shy, so he sent a friend of mine out into the hallway when I was about to leave for a dentist appointment to ask me if I wanted to go out with him, and I so cleverly said, "just tell him what he wants to hear." Superb. He went away for Christmas break and when he came back I decided I didn't like him anymore and broke up with him over MSN messenger, which was a not-so-brilliant decision. Less than a week later, I regretted my decision, but of course I couldn't tell him that because I had been so cowardly as to break up with him online in the first place. Lame. At the same time, another boy had been jerking around my feelings by telling me he liked me when he actually didn't. Also lame.
A few months after that, I met a boy who put butterflies in my stomach for a long time. As far as a thirteen year-old's feelings can go, I'd say they went pretty far. In less than a week after meeting him, he told me he liked me and I eagerly accepted when he asked me to go out with him. I went to his house, and, strangely enough, when I was FINALLY in a position where I could kiss a boy, I was a little wary. All of a sudden it felt like a ginormous mountain I had to climb over to get to that point where I was ready for our faces to be touching, but after some coaxing, I kissed him anyway. Something clicked inside of me and all of a sudden I felt on top of the world, or something. A week later I made out with him on his couch and a few days later he broke up with me, saying he was very sorry, and I avoided thinking about him at all costs, but my efforts were unrecognized by my heart and whenever I saw him, I felt such a horrible longing for him that I was disappointed in myself.
I started high school still hung up on him for some stupid reason but eventually I moved on, because I met someone new...obviously. This boy didn't like me back at the time and he didn't like me back in the years that followed, and he won't like me in the future, probably. Maybe. He was in my grade nine math class and I fell in love when we went to a conference with twenty-something other students and I saw how sweet and sensitive he was.
That damn guy costed me a lot of valuable learning time, which, clearly, could have proved to be very useful.
He became one of my best friends and for four years I loved him, always in that state of wanting to tell him how I felt but being too scared to ruin the friendship we had. He got a girlfriend and I wouldn't let myself be sad, because if he was happy, I was happy. Needless to say, I spent so much time thinking about him that I spent no time thinking about anyone else, and I missed out on a fantastic guy having a crush on me in ninth grade that I would have been happy to be in love with instead. Looking back I have no idea why I couldn't (and kind of can't) move on, but I suppose that's the downside of a first love. They hold such a special place in your heart that you can't get rid of, no matter how hard you try. Him and his girlfriend are still happy so I'm still happy for him, and that's fine. Can't win 'em all, no matter how much you want to, I suppose.
I doubt anyone has made it this far, but here I am now, sitting at my desk in my dorm room, proud for some reason at my feat of kissing three boys in the three weeks I've been here, despite not kissing any boys for four years. To me this is literally amazing. Each have some interesting stories, but... I really need to study for philosophy.