Wellington Street

In which we take a stroll down a very strange lane.


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Building 8 "The Porch Light"

The neighbor's porch light is on again. It is really bright, and only seems to be on late at night, when everyone else is sleeping. I tell him it pisses me off, but he doesn't listen. He says that he does it to keep things from entering his yard, but I don't really believe him. I think he just does it because he knows it annoys me. I have tried to reason with him, but he ignores me, and now...now I am sitting up late at night, too angry at him to really get some sleep.

It isn't his fault. I don't sleep well anyway. Probably wouldn't sleep even if the light was off. There have just been a lot of things building up. That is kinda the way things have been for me lately. Even if I could find a way to let go of something, something else just arrives in its place. In a way, the light is nice. It makes me think of something else. I have been thinking of her a lot lately, and I think maybe being annoyed is better than being upset.

Margaret asked me today if everything was alight. I told her about the dream I had. She didn't get upset. She tends to be the calmer of the two of us. Tends to be an adult about these things. I wouldn't blame her though. Being upset. I'm dreaming about my dead wife. Its understandable, considering the time of year it is. Winter is always full of bad memories. But she is supportive. She doesn't expect me to get well soon. That helps.

I still haven't seen my kids. I think they are avoiding me. I try to call, but then their uncle or aunt pick up and tell me that they are either out with their friends or something like that. I don't even ask if the kids want to visit. I am certain she asks them if they want to. She doesn't hate me or anything. And I know my sister probably tries to convince them, even if she doesn't really like me...It's the kids choice. And I think they don't want to see me.

I'm settling into the routine of the restaurant. The owner is good about my need for breaks so long as I don't get the orders wrong. Sometimes it gets really hard. I get anxious, and then I start thinking about things. I started smoking again. I don't like to but it is a distraction. Seems to be the best thing for me right now. Just being distracted.

Forgive yourself

On Toddler Breastfeeding

Some days, this is how I feel about breastfeeding. There are plenty of days when both of my nurslings need me so much that I am barely able to stay sane. If I have to stop and go to the bathroom, watch out! Kids are screaming, and hitting, and throwing everything in sight. Usually I can handle one of them having a hard day, but not both. During those extremely trying times I look like this all day.

There is so much pressure surrounding breastfeeding. Pressure to do it right, to do it on demand, to be graceful, to be discreet, to be loving, to love IT, and on and on. There is so much baggage around it, that even the slightest dissonance on anything related to breastfeeding can throw the whole thing off the rails. I don't always love breastfeeding. A lot of the time I don't want to do it at all. But in my time nursing, I've learned to do two things:

1) When I'm really hating it, I remind myself that this shall pass. Kids grow and change so quickly. What is a nuisance today will transform into a new skill tomorrow. My feelings shall also pass.

2) I forgive myself.

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