By the way, this blog is mostly for me to get my thoughts down right now.
So I call the Suicide Hotline a whole lot. I get frustrated as shit and I don't know how to fucking deal with it. Mostly when I start thinking about suicide, and how beautiful it would be to end it. How beautiful it would be to not have to deal with my demon. With the part of my life that I feel I have taken away from myself.
I think I may be one of their most frequent callers. Many of the responders on the other line know me by voice, they know my name. I call at all times of the day. I've called many times in the morning when I can't get out of bed. I've called at night when I can't sleep. I've called during work when I can't fucking take it anymore. (Not that I have a job right now - I quit because of the frustration, and because I was depressed at the time).
Sometimes it is very frustrating to call up and get no emotional support. It is always very hard in the beginning. I sort of expected them to be very nice and ask me what's wrong, but they don't. They just say, "Hello". Like any other person. Here I am, dealing with a problem I can hardly tell anyone about, wanting to kill myself, thinking a million different thoughts, wanting to kill myself, and most of all, wanting to kill myself. And then I feel like the burden is on me to SOMEHOW communicate ALL this at once. Very frustrating. I wish they would just ask me if I'm OK, and ask me things. They don't really ask in the beginning. Maybe I give off the impression that I don't want them to ask. I know I can give off the wrong impression sometimes. My interpersonal skills aren't second nature at this point. And it's hard to think through exactly how I need to be sounding when I feel like I'm five feet under.
I mean, I'm calling up the Suicide Hotline for chrissake! Don't they have an opener? "Are you feeling bad?" "What's going on?" Actually sometimes they do use that. And that's nice. At least it gets things started.
My drugs is hard.
Wellbutrin hived me up immediately, but that may have been related to my sushi habit.
Seroquel made me feel numb and fuzzy. And after a while it stopped affecting my depression anyways.
Lexapro, well, that was my fault for not taking it right. But actually that was one of the more awesome experiences.
More drugs is worse. The less drugs, the better. When things go bad, the response should be to lower the dose, not up it. So I am just going to relax on the damn Prozac.
I need a purpose to make a progress.
That is, I need to have something that drives me. I need a reason to act, a purpose towards which my decisions will be made. That is, I don't want to sit around all day submitting to the will of Chaos and my base propensities. I don't want to be ruled by inclination. That is, I could be doing this or that or those or these, but I can't decide, and I am like a leaf in a river. Except that river goes somewhere, to the ocean. Maybe I am more like a leaf in the ocean, where the current flows with randomness and chaos. The point I am trying to make is I have been doing nothing with myself and I feel like I could be doing better.
I want to live with a purpose. But it's always been hard to choose a purpose. When I was little, my purpose was to learn, to seek Truth and correct Untruths that I saw, and other than that to play vidjagames. To get things out of the way to play video games. To abstract things away, to belittle their importance, to ignore them, to take shortcuts, so that I could get to the Real Meat of life: Video games. I was somewhat of a robotic child.In college, it was to have as much fun, live as much life, as possible, before I had to die young (I was convinced I would). Hedonism, you could say. My hedonism was fairly girl-based. Truth kind of became less of a priority, though I engaged in hedonistic truth-seeking (the Old Reddit, HN, books, Seth Godin, that sort of thing). I still thought the Truth I had was absolute. Truths are True, you know?
I did not write this. But it changed my life. It's about social interaction, for the socially retarded. Like me. Like other aspies I suppose.
Author: Tyler Durden
They don't know when to stop.That's why they're so smart - enough is never enough. They always thirst for more knowledge. Feeding on knowledge. Linking concepts. Using logic. Knowing all parts of a system.But they don't know when to stop.So they're kind of a dicks.
?I am still trying to untangle my brain. So therefore, is it okay if I don't make sense
I don't really like the way comments are on this site. You know what I mean? It is confusing to have comments with different hierarchical levels display at the same level visually. This happens when you scroll down so that a non- root-level comment will be dragged all the way to the left. In this way, a real root node, displayed further down the screen, will take up the same amount of horizontal space as this child node, and then all hell breaks loose. I can't tell what's the parent of what, and who replied where, and all the fuzziness happened.
---By the way, I don't really plan on having anyone read this, so if you are reading it, please know that I usually am more coherent than this. My brain is kind of fried fries.
On Reddit, you can open and close layers of comments and their children. I find this very useful, because sometimes I want to disregard the shit out of shit.
I was thinking, maybe it would be good if you could click "Focus on this Comment" on a comment and then you'd be like 'Wow'. Because then it would move it over to the leftest point, and you'd only see its children. Then you could "Focus on this Comment" on one of its children. Then you could go back to the first one, by using the browser history. Then, you would be happiness.
Possibly also, there could be different colors for different levels of posts. That way, nobody would get lost trying to keep track of which parent is parent.
HEY MAN THANKS FOR BUILDING THIS SITE FOR ME HOO HOO WHOAAA. IS THERE ANY WAY TO DISABLE VISIBILITY. I WILL FIND IT OUT THACKS