Living a fast-paced life is something I've been accustomed to for a few years, now. The same routine as follows: work at the office, return home for a lonely dinner, and listen to the same love song on repeat. A quiet apartment always drives me insane, but one day I'll rebel against my daily routine.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a loser for going to Jimmy's Bar alone, almost every weekend. Usually I sit there in my expensive name-brand clothes and order expensive drinks. Twelve dollars a round for a glass of Scotch, and I'm at it like a mad man that hasn't sexed a woman in ages. I like to drink off the dry spell, but normally I get interrupted by the desperate bartender who looks like a slut. Her cleavage almost close to her chin, and messy weave that looks all knotted and unattractive with her tight clothes. I hate desperate sluts that want to nail me for a buck, but I'm won't tolerate it at all! And it's always the ugly ones.

Love has messed me up badly, just like the punk ass B*tch that left me for her pimp. "He loves me Ron, and I gave my heart to him" that's all I hear in my ears. She didn't give her heart to him, them legs of hers got parted like the Red Sea. The last thing she told me was that she loved me, but she needed to move the fuck on. She was only about materialistic things anyway! I guess with a body to lust after she could get any man to want her: Big breast, Wide ass, good pus$y, and tall bare legs. I swear if I ever see her again, I'd do something to her like no other. No, I don't mean kill her but maybe sexually torture her like she did to me.

Alice, she had me under a spell that I couldn't break. Maybe there were blinders that she put over my eyes like they do with a horse. The woman had me wrapped around her finger, and still I could smell the lingering of her perfume that she'd wear strictly for our love making sessions. There couldn't have been any real love in this situationship for her to leave me so helpless. All Alice did was give me love in the most dirty ways, but I liked it for some reason. The kinkiness was arousing and tempting, but it was about time that I moved on just like she did.

Six months, and still she's gone and never coming back to me. If I could just find a classy woman with goals and clothes, maybe I'd get something better in the mailing package. I do know that only women who don't play those childish games holds the key to the kind of love I need. I can't do another lonely dinner night with just the sound of a fork hitting the plate and my teeth, anymore.

For a teenager who is more on the rebellious team of doing what she wants, I love visiting my grandmother. When I was younger she used to take me to the kitchen and show me a few of her traditional family recipes. Maybe I loved her so much, because my mother would always keep me on a strict schedule with no "down-time". My mother never gave me the attention that my grandmother did, coming up.

The only thing mama and grandmother had in common was keeping a clean house. Most of the time my grandfather just sat around the house, reading his newspaper. He enjoyed the comics in the cartoon section, which caught me by surprise. Usually, elderly people liked to sit around and watch television, but not granddad.

"Child, come here," that's how grandmother always addressed me.

I came into the kitchen, "Yes Ma'am?"

I'm working on a creative piece to share with you lovely folks, but first I wanted to ask you a question about goals. We all were in the same situation once in our lives, the whole classroom setting with the annoying teacher (so we thought) and a bunch of outgoing classmates, right? Well when your teacher asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up, I could only imagine that we wanted to be something bigger than ourselves (president, senator, judge, etc.). When you think about the answer you'd given before compared to now, what can you say the difference between before and after is? For me I wanted to be a preacher when I was younger...I mean I wanted to preach up the place and have God's people feel the anointing of the Holy Spirit, but then as I got older things changed. I wanted to be an International Best-Selling Author, and I'm pursuing that as we speak (everything takes time). But my question for the world (you) is:

Do we only hold onto dreams when we're young and vulnerable, just because we're so naive? Or as we get older do we hold onto it, because of hope and faith, realizing that we have to work ten times harder than the person who already has their dream?

Do you ever realize the photos and art that is painted of nature, sometimes seems better than the view in real life? Well, sometimes I find myself wanting to be somewhere peaceful and quiet to maintain my thoughts. Where are all of these beautiful places? I have yet to see this in Florida, New York, Georgia, etc. Nature has this control over me, when it comes to finding a way out of my stress and bad days. For some reason it brings me tranquility and oneness with myself, does this happen to anyone else? I just love nature!

Good Morning, y'all? Did you grab that cup of coffee yet and the newspaper? Well, I haven't gotten to that part yet. I'm struggling between leaving the house to go write, or clean and then go write. My fiancé is a little (TOO) messy so it keeps me anxious. There's always something to do with him, around.

Anyhow, everyone for the past few years have been talking about the book, and the documentary. The Law of Attraction? Is this something I should read up on? I looked at the reviews and it was half and half. Some people said "THIS IS THE BOOK!" While others said "THIS WAS A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY"....I'm not sure what I should do. I want to purchase it, but not waste money at the same time either. Should I watch the documentary, first? SOMEBODY HELLLLPP!!!

It all started out with myself, my fiancé, and the unborn child that I have on the way. By the way he found the perfect name for her, Summer Ava Copeland. I had just left New York to come and pursue my career in writing on Campus at Full Sail University. Now, I was determined that I could handle it all alone, but I forgot that with having my own place would come a little trouble. Courtney, my boyfriend at the time was active in my life. I heard from him daily and he didn't really fail at trying to get my attention, because he was persistent and always found some type of determination.

When we first started dating, I was living in New York with my mother and he was in his cousin's closet sleeping on a little mat. I'm not sure how he kept that up, but his drive to get a better life for himself was very interesting to me. Anyway, he called me every part of the day to see what I was doing or to Skype with me. That was my first time meeting someone online and actually meeting them, and then living together.

I left from up North with everything that I needed, my brains, money, and beauty. Not even a month down the line I started missing home (NY) and wishing that I could take a road trip back to be with my mom and sister, but that wasn't going to happen. I didn't have money to waste like that on a plane ticket.

My standards started to lower a little, before I realized that I was doing everything that I said I wouldn't do. There was a guy living in my home, I was having sex, and we were practically playing house until stuff got real. I was scared about the situation, because all that was on my mind was to not get pregnant, but that was unfortunate. Before we even knew that I was pregnant, we got hit with an eviction notice because rent was three days late.

I started having a meltdown and thought that I was going to go homeless, but my father stepped in and helped. Courtney and him went half on the rent. I felt bad, because all the money I had I was spending on the comfort of our home after a couple of weeks when I got down South. There was even a past due balance for my school that needed to be paid, before I could even come on campus. Courtney went half with my dad on paying that bill. Something about my boyfriend paying for things didn't feel right, maybe because I was being a mother to my other exes....

Well it's been almost two days, since I've blogged. A lot of stuff has been going on but I guess I'm alright; I'M STILL ALIVE! My memoir was supposed to be getting worked on, but now I feel like I should change a few things, because so much is just happening to me. I did have the title BEYOND TEARS, but I think I'm going to start with another title. My heart has been a little heavy, but I've been doing more praying than anything else. Kinda seems that someone has an effect on me, and certain things/pains I feel I just choose not to expose. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, who knows? On the bright side I felt my daughter kick me a few times, tonight. I think I've picked up on her sleep patterns. She's definitely going to be a NIGHT baby. That means I'll be losing sleep like crazy! But hey, anything for Summer A. Copeland, right?