I am struggling to writes these posts--not that I am not here, I am. I log in with the intention to write...and just find the answers I am forced to face hard and overwhelming. So I read other blogs instead. Classic!
I suffer from crippling self-doubt. About my actions and my worthiness, not getting everything done and done correctly, my weight and body image-- And it makes me feel guilty, bad and insecure. I am simply not good enough..at anything. I beat myself up on the regular. Someone really should press charges for bullying.
In fact, I think I might-- to protect that poor little girl inside of me that is forced to live up to ideals that no human could master...but tried so desperately...and religiously failed..and was called out and persecuted for every single infraction.
Poor kid. Maybe it's time I let go of those recordings that run through my head and create something that works better for us.
This week, we will make some lists of the mean, controlling ideals that no longer serve me and create new corresponding ones that honor the good parts of me. I will record them both, make peace with the negative ones, and let them go and see if I can notice anything different.
Yesterday, I did it.
I took some really great advice from comments I have received here from visitors of my blog.
Start small to beat procrastination.
Cautiously optimistic that a zebra really CAN change her stripes....
Hi..welcome to my very first blog. I must confess that I am more than a little intimidated to be writing one. Will anyone read it? Will they find it helpful or interesting? What should I share in it? Well, I don't know the answers yet, but I hope it will help me learn about why I am struggling with money and maybe help someone else along the way. So maybe we can learn how to figure this out together.
The biggest problem that I want to work though is my relationship with money. I struggle with managing it properly. It has always been a scarcity in my life. It is important to me to to identify and face the underlying fears I have surrounding this, buried under all the reasonings, justifications and denials. I am a smart girl. Educated. Based in science and facts. I should be able to handle this.
Here is how I thought about this today:
Fear is the root, with deep tendrils sunk into my beliefs and habits that are mostly unconscious at this point. Honestly, I am having difficulty even trying to pinpoint what they could be. Fear of not being good enough? Not being okay in my life? In this moment? How about fear of not having or being enough? Maybe being unloved or abandoned? Or not accepted..by myself or by others?
It seems to be such a simple thing, making a decsion. For most, perhaps it is. For me, not so much.
Today I want to think out loud about desicion making and duality; the division between good and bad; higher and lower selves and how each aspect filters and affects my decision making.
I struggle with deciding...with choosing. It does not really matter what the decisions is that I have to make. What should I eat? Should I bake this potato or mash it? Should I go out with my friends or stay home and study? I want this shirt..it looks great. Should I buy it? It some times takes me hours to make a decision about any one of this simple things...only to decided to not make any move at all because i am afraid to decide. It's a pattern that I am noticing..becoming aware of.
I am exploring the idea of my own duality...and am seeing a clear correlation, a pattern emerging. My "good" self, my higher self gently guides me to the way that is right for me..The quiet whisper of encouragment that would give me inner peace and synchronicity with my goals and dreams. But its usually the hard stuff, the fear laden stuff that I am not willing under it all to commit to.
I have ben neglecting writing in my blog. I have thought about it, remembered, then procrastinated..and never quite got around to reporting in on my procrastination habit.
I did do the habit with listing three items, and accomplished them when I stayed with the process.
I noticed something interesting...
I chose three things i needed to attend to. I made sure only one of them was related to my main fear. Guess which one of the three consistently made the carry over to the next day??
If all of our models of reality are based on our our own individual experiences, filtered through our own perceptions, how can we know what "reality" truly is? Is there a separate but "real" reality to which we should be striving towards-a standard to holding myself to or is it all in my head? Is it a form of the function of my own crazy ideals?
If the personal reality model is the case, wouldn't that make it individual- a reality unique to each person? So then, each person holds their own Independent reality whilst integrating it, walking among the masses of others living in their own reality- yet here we all are, together, on the train on our way to wherever it us that we are going to- or coming from-a collective conscious.