After a few hours I get too tired to study. When that happens then is I go to bed so that I can get up again and study more.
I have not spent a great deal of my life getting to know myself. Mostly I've spent it getting to know other people. Learning how they work, how they feel and how I can be like them. Finally I learned to appreciate them, but believe me, it took time. Now I find I am starting to notice a difference, a difference of connection. When I am truly there, truly present, I feel the connection. And when I am not, when I am in my head, analysing, holding back me. I sense the change, I can see other people sensing the difference, and I know that I can't connect to people from inside my head.
But my head feels safer. Being present, being authentic, being vulnerable, is hard. I don't know how to be open, I don't really know the me I am when I am open. I've spent my whole life being closed in!
I've spent a great deal of my life getting to know others, and now I find I really know nothing about myself.
I just these latest few days I discovered something about myself. I've tried for a pretty long while (a year, two?) to discover and use my feminine energy more, the part that is emotion, not thought. However I just came to the realisation that doing so, I kinda miss the thought part. I miss the masculine energy of getting things done, of figuring out what way to go, of ordering and appreciating pure logic.
I want to cultivate my masculine energy more, I just don't want to do it in my relationships.
Today I've been studying some Non-violent communication (Marshall Rosenberg) in preparation for a weekend course I'm taking next weekend. It's amazing how much I learn, how much it resonates with me. Why see stuff people say as personal critique when you can look at it as failed attempts to ask for understanding? Of course this is harder in a real life situation than when you're sitting reading in the sun and thinking about it, but I really think it's worth the trouble to establish a non-violent communication habit. After all, there is nothing to loose.
I am also shamelessly absorbing the amazing weather as if I was a weather sponge (yes, I invent idioms when I feel like it). It feels amazing, as does my ice tea. We have tiny purple flowers in the garden now, yaay!
I used to believe that I was a calm person, rarely if not ever stressed, handling the storms of daily life like a champ. Then someone told me* that there are two ways of handling stress: there are those who get high blood pressure, who can't seem to relax and who have trouble sleeping-but there are also those who react to stress with LOWER blood pressure, who feel fatigued, lethargic and can't seem to do anything but sleep.
I never before realised that I am one of the most, it not the most, stressed person I know.
*I think it was a Ted talk, but can't remember which.
1) I have no patience.
2) I have no discipline whatsoever.
3) I have a very hard work doing creative work in the evenings. I can do editing all right, I can do organising, following plans, do the dishes, clean up (if I'm really motivated). But I can't ever seem to do any creative, creating work. Planning my day? I'll do it better in the morning. Brainstorming new ideas? Better do it tomorrow. Writing a paper I don't even have a subject for yet? I could seriously climb a mountain faster than I am thinking right now.
I have too much on my hands today. And this week. These 3 weeks. And perhaps for a long while after. I've let myself to believe that I have more time than I really have, which I don't. And yet I don't have anything I'd like to remove from my schedule, what to do, what to do..?
I used to write them back when I was a kid. Really good ones too, I look back at them and go "wow, I was THAT deep when I was 13??". I used to write poems because they would just spontaneously pop up in my head, I'd hear the first line and then I'd just want to write it down to see how it ended. But I don't hear poems in my head anymore. Where did they go?
I did a repetition of my 2-day Non-Violent Communication course today and I noticed something very interesting. One day was very easy to remember and to read my notes. The other day was more complicated, I had to think for a while before I "got" most of my notes. Know the difference between those days? For the first day I did some repetition and summarizing the same day. For the other one, I didn't.