Sometimes Im settled in a dark room. Theres no light source to be found in the room. My eyes become adapted to the darkness, that once a light is turned out, it burns my eyes. I have to look away because the light physically hurts me.
Youre like a light. I become so immune to a world without you that I begin to forget what you look like or what your voice sounds like. And once im settled and happy in this darkness, you show up. And it hurts. It's hard to hide from the world when you show up; your presence burns. And instead of my eyes suffering the pain, its my stomach suffering the pain of the weight my heart carries as it drops with gravity, at what it feels like, its strongest. I liked the darkness. Turn off the fucking lights.
I met a boy in the woods. I told him I needed help lighting my fire, because my sticks were too weak to create a big and bright enough fire. So we traveled all throughout the forest looking for sticks or logs. We looked in trees and bushes but nothing could satisfy. For we wanted to create a fire unlike any other. One that could keep us warm throughout the night and burned so bright it could blind. A fire that couldn't burn too deep if you got too close. A fire that would never die out. When we thought we had lost all hope, we had finally found a thick yet tender log that would make a fire burn so bright. So we created that fire. I fell asleep for about five hours. When I had awoken, I noticed the fire had disappeared and the boy was sitting by a lake. He looked so beautiful; shinning from the moonlight. Though as I got closer, I was bewildered and overwhelmed. For the boy was burnt from head to toe. He had no expression on his face. He was skipping rocks on the surface of the lake. He seemed content. As calmly as I could, I asked "How did this happen? The fire burnt so bright. How did you get burned so deeply?" He then looked at me from the lake with tear driven eyes, a lost expression and said, "Sometimes the brightest, most beautiful fires burn the deepest. And the brightest, most beautiful fires must die out. For no one would acknowledge their beauty."
I learned how to read tarot cards about two years ago. It's not like I believe in them or anything, but the strange thing is, I've given myself a reading about once a week from the day I finally learned. I find myself reading my own cards whenever I feel anxious or even excited. I guess it's just hard for me to wait for my future, because our future is all we ever dream of. We are pressured by the time we are adolescents to do well in school, get good grades, so we can move onto college and make a life for ourselves.
You can never hear a soul in the street wishing to be happy right in that moment or land their dream job in the next hour. If you ask anybody what they want out of their lives, their words will always include a "one day" or a "soon"; "I dream to be happy one day." "I wish to find my true love and get married soon." And I think that's kind of sad. We believe that if we are not happy in the moment we are living in, that it cannot get better and we can just pray and dream of a good future. Why do I find myself dreaming of kissing the guy I wish to kiss, instead of going out and doing it in this very moment? Why do I fantasize of the novels I could write and the poetry I could publish, when I haven't even got the nerve to write the starting sentence? Why do I feel desperation and read tarot cards to find my future, when I could live and search for it in total oblivion?
I fucking love being alone. I complain about it constantly, and so do the people around me, but I love it. And I don't even know why honestly. Sometimes my mom walks into my room and asks me why she never sees me anymore and that the only reason I ever come out of my room is to grab the bottle of diet coke I chug down, and take Twizzlers which I aggressively eat. And I've started to notice when I was little I used to take each stand of the Twizzler off and eat it like a strand of hair, but now I feel its more convenient to just tug on it with my teeth.
I have one more year left of high school and I plan to spend it alone. I mean I have friends and a boyfriend, but high school relationships (friends and romantic) never really work out anyways. I mean what's the point. You have one life, and it might seem like a long time but compared to the universe, it's nothing. If you live and then you die, what's the point of trying to distract yourself with these pointless relationships. I mean we all die and we all have to accept it. All these relationships and "love" and family and friends, they all act a distraction from the fact that we all have to face death at some point in our lives. So I decided that if I form any type of human relations then I will have to live with the pain of death and knowing that "this", will not last forever.
We should look at people the way we look at stars. We watch them as they surround our skies. And we don't try to look for any constellations, we just look at 'em. Why connect each star and waste all that time looking for a constellation, when we could just lay beneath them and admire they're simplicity instead?; which happens to be beautiful. And maybe that's what life is about. Not trying to connect to people like we so desperately try to do, but to simply just watch and notice the beauty behind each pair of eyes and each freckle on someone's face.
It just sucks you know? I spend all my time just thinking about him. How do I make him happy? Is he safe? If he's hungry, I'd go to the store and buy every food he loves and cook it for him in his house so it's hot when I serve it to him. When I go out, whether its alone or with my friends, I make sure he knows that he is welcomed to come. I make sure that if he is ever in an uncomfortable situation or feels like he wants to die and has no where to go, I will always be here to make sure life is the only thing he loves. And it just sucks... Knowing that one person is everything to you. That one person is your whole world and universe. They make up the planets and the moon and the stars. It sucks knowing that though he is my everything... I am just another person on this Earth to him. I am just another one of 7.17 billion people on this Earth.
I want to say that I've felt love, but how do you feel something that has no true meaning?
You tell yourself you want more of the world and more of the people in it, yet you don't give life a chance; you just push it away. You say you see the beauty in others, though sometimes you say you cannot stand people. I think it's because you're scared. Scared that once you let people in, they'll see you for who you truly are. You'll let them in, and no one is supposed to know what you hide, because then they'll either become frightened or use what you once had secluded against you. Because people are like sharks, once you undress and are swimming naked in their waters, they'll attack. They have no mercy, no feelings; they're just cold. But maybe not everyone is a shark and maybe when you start to let everyone in, when a shark does attack, someone will be there to save you. But sometimes they come too late. Like when your legs are ripped off and you're screaming in pain. And when you live in pain, no one wants to comfort that. You are alone with the pain and the scars of the past, scared to swim naked in the waters again. You are known as the girl that got attacked by sharks. They'll say "She had it coming. She was swimming naked afloat the waters, trusting creatures like sharks."
People are like glass. You can throw a glass around, creating cracks down the sides, but soon enough it will shatter. Once it shatters you can apologize to the remains, but it will never go back to the way it was before. Never full, always broken.
I want you to come to my house unexpected with a copy of "Shrek". I wanna watch you as you sing all the lyrics to I'm a Believer, and kiss you as the song begins to die out. I wanna lay in your bed looking up at the ceiling as if I was staring into the sky, counting all the cracks pretending they were stars. I wanna call you at two in the morning when I can't sleep, and hear your stories and all the lyrics you have written until i fall asleep. I want to go on a romantic dinner date to McDonalds, and laugh as you serve me a BigMac. I want to watch your favorite movies and listen to your favorite song and understand the lines that make chills run down your back. I wanna go to the movies with you and fish around for popcorn as kernels prick my skin, and wishing they were your fingertips instead. I want feel your back with the palms of my hands, and trace every scar with my fingers like they were routes on a map directing me to my destination. I want to see the passion the creates the pupils in your eyes as you talk about the music you dream of creating. I want to sleep with you; sleep as in have you in my bed until morning as we simply just sleep. And as my eyes begin to shut, think about how vulnerable I feel in your arms, and for the first time in my life, it won't bother me. It doesn't bother me.
He kissed her like her lips were air and he couldn't breathe- Anonymous