I started this as a personal growth thing. I don't know, but maybe when I'm thirty or something I'll remember how stupid I was now:
Dear future self:
I'd like to refer to "future me" as "you" and present me as "me" to help keep things clear. I hope you can learn to keep your spaces clean. I'm sorry, but I am disgusting. I know I should clean up after myself but it's so hard to every day when I'm trying to compose and practice and work and everything at once. Anyway, I'm trying really hard to be the best musician. I mean, I guess I could practice more - who couldn't? But hopefully I make you proud.
Juries are next week, and since I never did one, I'm super nervous about performing in front of so many staff. I should practice, but I need a break. If I do anything music and school related I might crash. I'm breaking it up with downloading all my sheet music I got. :)
I hope you can realize that you've come a long way since you began, depending on when you read this. I know things are hard for us but it's hard for everyone. We just have to keep going. Well, I meant to write more to you since I want you to have something to read, but I'm trying to do work. Finals are coming up and I can't fail.
I have to go to sleep because I need to wake up at 5:00AM tomorrow because I need to babysit and this isn't working because I need to do lists before I sleep so I know what to do tomorrow before I leave so I won't forget anything and this is making me stressed and this is why I can't sleep and this makes me upset and it's me staying up late not doing anything because I can't practice this late at my house and I have nowhere to go and I have to do two finals due Monday and I won't have time this weekend because babysitting and karate and I am freaking out and I have to practice because juries are a week from this Monday and and and and and and and and . . .
Update: I am very anxious.
It kills me that as soon as I hit the end of finals, I have to jump into the winter session. I mean, it's two general education credits - not that big of a deal, but I really have no interest in taking them. General Psychology and Data Processing ... hmm... wonder what challenges those are? I hate having to take them - as a musician, I won't need these. I need theory and orchestration and practice and aural comprehension.
Argh. It's just frustrating knowing that I'm wasting my time on these things.
I have a week to finish (or start) my final piece for my class. I think I'm leaning toward a simple percussion ensemble piece featuring piano; however, I think I'm going to feature piano as the groove - not the melody and harmony. I want to use it in the "ugliest" way possible - smashing keys to create rhythm without thinking about chords or analysis.
I think that musicians take notes too seriously - that because we all are formally trained with so much music theory that we forget that there are other parts of music that we don't talk about. Like emotion. I think that I want to use rhythm as a primary focus to create emotions and feelings.
-- Flashback --
In high school, my choir director and theory teacher always stressed the ten elements of music: notes, rhythm, articulation, tone, emotion-slash-feel, space, technique, dynamics, phrasing, and listening.
He always defined everything in words we (high school students) could understand. He would relate them to things we understood so that we could integrate them into all parts of our lives - music or otherwise.
I heard that every dog has his day. I guess they forgot about me, huh? Class wasn't my forte today. I came home and practiced some before work - tone was awful. Made it to work just in time.
This project my boss gave me takes up so much time. It's very frustrating. It would help if the information I needed to find was there and able to be found. Instead, I have to go searching all over God's creation to find one simple answer.
Fuck this business. I could leave tomorrow, and they wouldn't even knew what hit them. I do so fucking much to help out and no one bothers to fucking ask if I need a favor. Go fuck yourself.
I would first like to say that I do have self-conflict that I deal with on a daily basis. I do use coping strategies and I do indeed see someone to talk to about things. I am very much aware of the struggle some individuals have within their own lives - the struggle to find one's self, to express oneself, and how to communicate anger, anxiety, sadness in a healthy manner. However, how much solid fact do we know about mental illnesses?
I know that doctors and professionals spout information about "serotonin" and "uptake inhibitors," but what does that really mean? What tests do we have to prove that my serotonin levels are low? How do they gather physical evidence that I am indeed "clinically depressed"?
When I was taken in to the hospital after an attempted suicide, they took my vitals - any normal hospital procedure. Then they asked me questions. "Why did you try this?" . . . "Did you plan this?" . . . "Did anyone know?" . . . "Did you have a back-up plan?" It was like they were trying to build my life story into a movie. They did not take blood samples, or urine tests, or make me drink something so they can examine chemical levels.
I do know that they made me talk to someone. They handed me a bottle of pills that said to take one every day and that should help me.
I'm always baffled by our fascination with sound. White noise, music, news, or even silence. Most people get dressed for work in the morning (or whenever you happen to work) and they instinctively turn on the TV or the radio and put on the morning news, weather, cartoon or what not. It's just on to be on. There is no focus on it - the focus is on preparing for the responsibilities ahead. But we turn it on anyway - myself included. It's become our daily need for white noise to fill that seemingly uncomfortable silence.
I always keep my box fan on inside my bedroom. The temperature gets high and low and the air sometimes doesn't circulate well, so the fan helps to regulate the room a bit. I pulled the plug by accident and suddenly the fan shuts down. I stopped my assignment to listen. I was puzzled by the lack of noise. Silence. Silence. Silence. At first I didn't realize it was the fan exactly - just that something wasn't right.
Sometimes I am irked by silence. Perhaps it is because I am a music major - I am constantly surrounded by sound and pitch and always I am listening. Music surrounds my life, and even in my brain I am uncomfortable thinking nothing. I always hum or sing a tune to keep my mind from dwelling on the silence.
== (Music Moment Below)
That's what I find so intriguing about John Cages, "4'33". He sits musicians down and they rest for 4:33. The audience is the one creating the music. Through their fidgets, coughing, adjusting their zippers, sighs, stiffled sneezes they create the piece.
Sometimes I post things that I think are cool. Or maybe not, but I do it anyway. I'd love to hear your opinions on the subject. (Leave a comment or something. I love discussing things and seeing another's perspective)
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