Yesterday was rough. I spent the majority of the day doing everything possible to satisfy my cravings for instant gratification and chemical highs. I ate comfort food, I watched stupid videos, did things I knew I would regret, and wasted the entire day pursuing anything that would give me a hit of dopamine and instant gratification.
The frustration of pissing an entire day away left me feeling moderately depressed, and now that the highs have wore off I’m numb and haven’t smiled since. Even today I immediately began to seek out comfort in instant gratification as a coping method for yesterday. I’m on the brink of falling into a very dark downward spiral.
When you’re consistent it’s easy to place more emphasis on long-term prosperity over instant gratification. However, if you slip up it becomes nearly impossible to break the constant cycle of stimulation and searching for the next dopamine hit. That’s where I’m at right now.
I’ve fucked up my dopamine receptors (The brain’s reward/pleasure center), and now the only thing that can comfort me is more chemical highs. Once your baseline happiness drops below a certain level you tend to do whatever it takes to comfort yourself, or even numb your emotions regardless of the long-term consequences.
Writing this post is the last thing I want to be doing right now. I can’t believe the effort each sentence takes to articulate. Just reading over this my writing skills seem nonexistent at this point, and I can tell from what I’ve written alone that I’m not in a healthy head space.