What’s up? Todd Valentine here, and today I’ll be covering How to Flirt.
For a while I wrestled with this topic and how to present it, because naturally you all know what flirting is, when you’re feeling it, and when you’re doing it (especially when you’ve been in the game as long as I have been, and flirting becomes second nature). However, the concept of flirting is actually very hard to define.
So, the first thing I did was the old-school method of pulling out the dictionary to see how it defines flirting. Here’s what I found:
Flirt (verb): to court triflingly or act amorously without serious intentions
That last part of the definition is key: without serious intentions.
The key to flirting and making it work is that it should not be serious. If you come off as overly serious, extremely logical, or stressed out, you won’t get away with most of what you say.
I’ve had this happen with students. I’ll tell them to ask a girl So are you the good girl or the bad girl? It’s supposed to be a light-hearted flirtatious line, but then I see the guy walk up, mean mug the girl, point to her, and say something like YOU ARE A BAD GIRL. That’s not flirtation. It may be some creepy random accusation, but it is definitely not flirtation.
It’s also not flirtation if you’re saying what you’re saying in order to get a certain reaction. If I were to use a classic flirting line—You have this good girl face but these bad girl mannerisms—and then look at the girl expectantly, waiting on her positive reaction in order to feel fulfilled, that’s not flirting either.
The point of flirtation is to be light-hearted and fun, and to bring joy to the interaction—or at the very least, to bring a range of emotions to the interaction. Yes, flirtation can be harsh. It can spark a negative range of emotions, but it’s always done with a hint of playfulness that leaves the girl thinking, Maybe he’s not serious. This bit of playfulness is especially necessary when using harsh flirtatious lines like We wouldn’t get along or You seem very smart when you’re not talking. The sorts of things that would usually be found insulting, when said in a playful way, will let women know that you’re kidding and simply adding fun to the interaction. This even applies to something like flipping a girl off. It needs to be playful and fun; otherwise you’re going to scare the girl away.
Now, on a technical level, the core nature of flirting is that you’re either telling the girl I love you or I hate you. There are obviously various ways to say this, but that push-pull nature should always hold true when flirting. One way I like to look at it is by thinking of the old saying He loves me; he loves me not. The girl should constantly be saying that in her inner dialogue when you flirt with her and as she feels the range of emotions you provide. This also leaves the girl with some emotional investment: she hopes that you’ll end things on he loves me. But, if the girl is constantly pulling that he loves me petal and nothing else, there is no tension. This gives the girl what she thinks she wants (validation), but what she really wants is the journey and the range of emotions it provides. By the same token, she obviously doesn’t want to constantly be thinking He loves me not and nothing else. So, in general, you want to bring a range of both positive and negative emotions, and also make the interaction fun.
You shouldn’t think about flirting in terms of I hope by doing x, she’ll like me or I hope by doing x, she is devaluated and sees me as better than she is. Instead you should think of flirting as We’re in this together, having this amazing experience (which may or may not culminate in sex [it would be great if it did]), but I’m enhancing the experience for both of us, and that’s it. You can almost look at the interaction as if it’s a roller coaster. You feel the negative emotion of falling—literally—but because it’s in a fun, controlled environment in which you aren’t seriously afraid for your life, you allow yourself to enjoy it. It’s the same with flirtation. It’s okay to have those negative emotions because they happen in a fun, playful context in which there is at least some level of comfort—this way, they can be enjoyed.
Now I’ll give you a few specific examples of things you can do to flirt:
1. The push-pull: It’s basically saying I love you/I hate you or I hate you/I love you.
For example: That’s such a weird shirt. . . . But you kind of pull it off.
Or: I love that shirt
2. The Mini Cold Read: Perfect for light flirtation, the format is You’re so x, it’s just like y.
For example: You’re so cute, you’re like my little sister.
Here, You’re so cute is a positive and you’re like my little sister is sexually devalidating. It’s not putting her in the frame of temptress or goddess, but rather the frame of your younger sibling, which in a sexual sense is hopefully devalidating.
The funny thing about this one is that the format itself is so silly that even if you don’t follow the positive-negative direction, it’s still flirtatious just based on the silliness of the comparison you make.
For example: You’re so tall, you’re like a pair of shoes. It doesn’t necessarily even make sense, but the silliness of the statement is 1) not too logical and 2) about her, so it will trigger something in her even if you don’t do it right. So, the format itself is very powerful, but ideally you want to get the positive-negative context right as well.
3. The Disqualifier: I really like this format and use it a ton. This is where you talk about something that would be fun, sexual, or intimate that, hypothetically, if you liked each other you could do together, but instead you say it in the negative.
For example: I’m not going to kiss you tonight. Or I’m really flattered, but we should take this slow. . . . I just met you.
It’s flirtation because you’re bringing up thoughts of what you could do, but you’re doing it in the negative (giving her those thoughts to think about and that range of emotions to feel).
An interesting fact about people is that we can’t think in the negative, because we don’t think in words, we think in pictures. For example, if I tell you Don’t think of a pink elephant, you surely pictured a pink elephant. This is because there’s no image for not in our brains. Make sense? So when you tell the girl We shouldn’t make out or We shouldn’t go home together, she’s going to be imagining actually doing those sexual things with you, but since they are said in a way that’s playful (without serious intention), it’s safe for both of you to think about them. This gives you the freedom to really play in this make-believe realm and have fun with it, and the girl doesn’t have to feel slutty or bad about it. This allows her to let loose and open up to a greater degree than she would otherwise.
That’s a little bit for you on flirting.
Now go out and flirt with someone TODAY.
Hey guys, Todd Valentine here.
A question I’m often asked when people first find out that I’m a pickup artist or dating coach is, “What’s your pickup line?” It’s a normal question- a natural response to the unknown is to start at the beginning – but in my opinion, guys put way too much emphasis on this “pickup line,” this idea of the first thing you say.
I’ve found that it truly doesn’t matter what you say. I could give a guy with no experience in the game the best possible pickup line, but if it’s done in a nervous or reaction seeking way, or without the right tone of voice or body language, he’s going to look like a complete tool. On the other hand, if we take a guy who is centered in who he is, confident and grounded, and give him something really offensive to say, maybe calling the girl a dog, the guy can make it work (and most of the time, it works well).
What’s interesting about not only the opener, but the game in general, is that it’s not so much about what you say but how you say it. It’s not so much about what you do, as how you do it. Much of the game is about coming off as a guy who has an abundance of women- a guy who has had women and is confident in himself. Many people will try to “fake it till they make it,” and that can work to an extent, but obviously it’s much better to be genuinely confident.
I think everyone's had a few of these- flirtationships. When you flirt with someone almost exclusively (does that make sense?) but you're not in a relationship (whether you want to be in one or not is up to you~).
I'm not really one for flirting, its cute and funny and interesting at times but to be honest not really my thing. Either flirting with other people or them flirting with me, just don't like it. Of course I'm flattered but mmmmh back off I'm not interested. So obviously I don't make a habit of doing it either, though I should be a bit more accurate. I guess I'm ever so slightly (hehe completely) sexist since I only ever flirt with *girls* not *guys*. Don't know why, maybe since I'm generally more ummm masculine? Well, with most people anyways. So maybe that's why but I think more of a reason is that girls are more 'physical' without actually touching you.
I love contact, but only with people I know. That's pretty much the same for everyone? So it really annoys me when someone I don't know touches me - hands off! And girls aren't so quick to touch in a more...ummm...invasive (?) way? Or maybe I'm just more comfortable with girls?
I like hugs with basically everybody though I'd say girls give better hugs so I guess I prefer contact with girls as well. Off topic~~
Anyways, flirtationships. The reason I don't really like them is well, they're undefined. I don't like that. Like...you're not friends, but you're nothing more than friends either. It would be *horrible* to be stuck in a flirtationship if you actually liked that person but was unsure what the other person felt. Just to point out, flirtationships only exist when the two people are friends-good friends.