Toddler Breastfeeding

Toddlers, tandem, and everyday nursing

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A new perspective

Literally. I've seen live breastfeeding maybe 2 or 3 times in my life. And each time its been in passing. Like, oh hey she's breastfeeding! And then the moment is over and I'm off to do what I was doing. And out of those 3 times, 2 of them were all wrapped up with covers so I really couldn't SEE anything.

Well, hubby took this video the other day. From this perspective it doesn't scream "tandem breastfeeding woman!" I just see heads and a tangle of babies. Fascinating. Anyhow, for those of you that were wondering what nursing a 3 1/2 year old and a 1 year old looked like, here it is:

Love...Soft as an Easy Chair....

On fair lady works shuttles

A sunny day can be so edifying and joyful. That was yesterday. Today is one of those common cold rainy December days. What is outside does not pull you to brave crossing the door threshold at all. I fell asleep easily last night but was very wakeful from 1:00 to 3:00 am but grateful that I did fall back asleep on the latter end of that. That doesn't always happen. My sleep was going really well up until I took in a house mate, and last Friday I chose to stay out until 2:00 am which threw me off of my rhythm and I haven't quite gotten back.

In this mode of not sleeping awesome, I am working through more stuff. I have made tons of progress this year and for that I am acknowledging a lot of earth moving. Tremendous work really and I'm glad to step back and realize/ acknowledge it. I experimented with personal boundaries this year. It was not often graceful, lots of hurt feelings. It seems I often 'end up' with my friends rather than choosing them. That is not necessarily the worst thing as I've learned heaps from every friend I've ever had. So yes, boundaries. I physically moved, greatly reduced the amount of possessions I have, and began nesting for the first time on my own. My house, my comfort, my joy, and my sole responsibility. That's a lot of everything right there. I found a super open-minded group of Christians this year and started an art center at their Episcopal church. It was an amazing creative endeavor. I completed the technicalities of divorce, learned to speak my truth with my ex-husband, learned that my feelings are a compass and are not something to try to stuff away. Connected with some amazing artistic spiritual people in the community and found comfort in my own company.

I love to be aware of the energy of ideas and how they can influence physical shifting. I have been doing the not so lovely work of considering and communicating about custody and child support with my ex. These are difficult concepts. Earlier this year, I released my ex from paying child support. We have 50/50 custody and he's real attached to $ and seemed real irked to have to pay me and I feel like an independent confident woman and thought I could just ween myself off the support. That has not proved to be wise. I am living below the poverty line, close to a situation where my bills will be unpayable if something doesn't shift in the near future. Basics like gas and prescription medicine which were no brainers when we were together are things I have to do without at times. On the other hand, with his now combined income with his fiancee, he is easily making 8 times what I am.

I sense he would blame me for my own situation- my choice to get divorced, my choice to not have full time work. But I realize now... what about my choice to be happy and have peace of mind? We are both responsible for the relationship we created. I was always supported by him as a mother and my children have been at the forefront of my life and career since I was pregnant with my first. Having a lucrative career has never been a priority and I struggle with how now after a divorce I am expected to be a mother and a significant wage earner while he has a live in mother figure at his home. I hoped I might have live in father figure who would help with my expenses. But even if that did happen, my ex should still be financially responsible for the well being of his children.

So back to energy shifts. I am considering having more custody of the children and being their 'school coordinator,' so to speak. I'm tired of the responsibility being divided for school so that essentially no one is really in charge, papers are lost, and there is no consistent care for them as students, let alone children. So I'm advocating for myself to continue the role of mother I've always done well and be supported for it. So this shift in energy and putting these ideas into motion essentially helped give me the inspiration and will to help get the kids rooms back in order. They've been hanging in a sort of messy state of in-between-ness. I'd kind of given up on trying to keep up with their stuff. And doing it for them.

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