The Tiny Octopus Swimming free in life's aquarium! en-us Sun, 22 Sep 2019 21:13:50 +0000 Sett RSS Generator The endless voice of fear and paranoia Hello again - kind of a small follow up to my overanxiety and such posts. I was resting earlier and trying to do a half meditation regarding what is the source of negative overanxious thoughts. I think a lot of people suffer from bad idle thoughts during downtime or periods of unfocused thinking. Anyway it'd be nice to get these to stop as they generate all sorts of unwarranted negativity that will likely never come true.

The process: I was just letting my thoughts run wild and then in the middle of it just grab a sudden burst of consciousness and try to figure out where that train of thinking originated. I couldn't find it most of the time. For reference this same process is how one trains themselves to be lucid dreamers (waking up consciously while still sleeping/dreaming with the added bonus of being able to control the dream consciously). Anyway I just realized a lot of my thinking was automatic and while I could trace the train of thought I could not originate it most of the time. Scary stuff huh - most of our thoughts are spawned from some sort of nothingness without our conscious input.

That's when it hit me. Maybe negative thoughts are just reptilian brain autopilot. It is like we are born with microcomputers embedded inside us which play an infinite sort of paranoia loop regarding things we need to do to survive. If it's not eat / drink / sleep / shelter it's pay the bills or I hope x,y,z doesn't happen etc... Basically it's an automated task you can't really quit that runs in the background if you idle your thoughts enough to peek behind the hood. Given that maybe it's best not to take it too seriously then as it's original intent is to keep our physical bodies intact. With that goal maybe it is better we have these reptilian brains lest we aim our thoughts too high then forget to tend to ourselves for a couple days and fall ill or die.

Anyway to conclude: there's a delicate balance at hand here. We should check on it every so often like a task calendar but not become so obsessed with it to the point of actually just staring at it and ruminating at the contents for hours. It's there to keep you alive and it's there to give you information - and that's it. When you're driving you keep your eyes on the road and what's in front of you. You should not be staring at the speed gauge obsessively all the way down the road as that is a sure-fire recipe for an accident. The reptilian paranoia brain is a point of reference and a survival tool but given the amount of attention you give it in your life it should remain solely as a reference. Check the speed every so often but keep your focus and drive on your destination.

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Sun, 15 Jun 2014 20:59:20 +0000
Silence: The Sound of Execution ....Or is it tap-tap-tap-tappa-tap? I haven't posted in a while but I'm currently typing this article up while sitting on a pile of towels with a pillow on my back. I'm currently testing out how I'd feel if I bought a new office chair to replace the one falling apart for years which I'm sitting on. You see I did it. I quit my job. I actually started a semi-serious exercise regiment. I'm beginning the birth of a new life where I am at the helm actively. I've started getting things in order like health insurance. And for all this time I've been silent - because silence is the sound of execution.

Maybe I just talked too much before- talked to myself mostly. The spirits think I think too much :p In real waking life I'm more of a listener and an introvert. I can fill an internet chat room with words easily but that's just it. It's all an illusion. It's all smoke and mirrors. What the persistent chat text doesn't show you is the silence and thought that echo for hours straight after. People who spend a lot of time on the internet think they can talk. They are fooled because you just can't get up and leave a conversation or leave a 4 hour pause in the middle of it in real life. But I digress - I just wanted to test how typing felt like with this new position if I got a new chair. Where my arms hands legs would go - how I would hold the mouse - oh I bought a new mouse by the way. Ironically after trying and returning expensive mice I settled for a simple flat 3 button'd regular sized mouse from HP. It fit me and my mousing style the best.

I think this would be doable - a new office chair. If I'm about to spend a lot of time relearning how to program or going into similar but divergent things I'm probably going to be in front of a computer all day regardless. Even while gaming. OK my back is starting to feel a tad sore but that's OK because the pillow is hardly as supportive as the chair I've tried earlier today. Swear I spent an hour+ just sitting on that chair, adjusting it endlessly, and scooting it around on simulated desks. I sat at a random expensive desk and noted the height and just stared into the distance pretending I finally hooked in a working dual monitor setup. I wonder if everyone thought I was crazy. Reminds me of that Gnarls Barkley song 'Crazy' Maybe I'm Craaaaazy. But yeah I don't care this is my life and my rules now.

Office depot is about to close - yeah I know - cheap POS chair but I tested it - it will do I think. It's on sale but still gonna set me back about 162 total according to this reciept. Jumping head first for a Leap chair or whatever for 800$ seemed a bit excessive and even if it lasts a year or two maybe my financial situation will change a lot by then or I'll have a much more solid vision of what I want in a chair. Anyway I gotta go - silence once again - silence is the sound of execution.

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Sat, 07 Jun 2014 23:51:53 +0000
Hey you! Yes you! YOU'RE JUST PLAYING GAMES WITH YOUR LIFE!!! A two-fer - double whammy follow up to the post I made just minutes ago at Similar to Metallica's Unforgiven song which has 3 parts and each one just really hits home. Obscure but relevant reference imo.

Most (if not all people) don't really live their lives - they just play games within them. You think you are all high and mighty reading these SETT articles and working on your self improvement and working on your life and bulking up and learning how to invest and expanding your consciousness with travel and good habits and hard hitting realizations regarding business and the opposite gender etc etc... You haven't been really living life. You haven't been present in your life. You've just been lost in thought and running inside a hamster wheel created by your mind.

This is the true Matrix sh*t right here folks. All of the above is all well and good and is part of your soul growth but here's the clincher. Like any novel or movie every good game comes to an end. And this you know to be obvious and true. You don't live forever. You don't remember everything. Time will pass regardless of what you think of it. Loved ones will die. Buildings will rise and crumble. Your favorite childhood escapes will become parking lots. The party will always end sometime. Your looks will fade. Your health will decay. You will be forgotten. Your mind will block this truth subconsciously and in the small moments you have the idle time to process it your mind will retreat in sheer terror and bury it even deeper than it did last time. Your mind will create more games and more illusions and more matrixies(is this a proper plural rofl) inside the matrix to keep you distracted from the truth. The truth that your mind is part of the game and like the game it will eventually end.

Even if the end doesn't come for you or you've created the barriers of wealth, happiness, peace, etc... to ward them off maybe you'll reach some sort of strange insanity like I have in which no matter how far you've distanced yourself from the terror within it always finds a way to creep up to you and drown out your thoughts until you can no longer control the never-ending negativity. You see you know this to be true as well. Everyone with over x million dollars isn't living in some sort of ecstatic ascended bliss - they have problems too - and sometimes even much more so than those who have absolutely nothing. Sure they've created a bigger sandwall to hold back the flood but the realization of the truth of our world pours from an infinite well. You can run away - and yes some of us run far - farther than our own physical lives - but if you believe in reincarnation it will just creep up on you at a later date. If not then pat yourself on the back since from blackness you've came and unto blackness you shall return!!! Unfortunately if you believe that then you are even more aware of the terror than most as you know once your physical shell dies all will cease.

So how do we break out of 'the game' and gain TRUE satisfaction with our lives? It's thru being present and giving up resistance to 'bad' events. Instead of running away from what we fear we need to embrace it and feel it and absorb and last drop of it. It is because when we are present we are no longer playing the games in our head. We are truly living as the manifest souls that have come to physical experience to EXPERIENCE things physically. When you put thoughts in your head and think about your past and future you're basically a disembodied spirit sitting in front of some ethereal computer desk playing Farmville. When you are thinking you are not experiencing. When you are playing games in your head you are not aware. When one puts down the controller and just starts experiencing life (yes even if you are homeless or losing a limb or whatnot) and you give up all resistance to what you are experiencing then and only then are you truly living in the present and not playing some sort of game in your head.

You ever hear how many people today say they feel like they exist but they aren't living? It's because they are trapped in the games and are living life without awareness and presence. College and repetitive work puts you into that sort of mindset where instead of worrying about truly enjoying and experiencing life you're thinking about the next deadline and goal/quest in your GAME of life. At my worst there are entire parts of my life in that state where I remember absolutely nothing. It's like my soul fell asleep and my physical body somehow just operated itself on animal existence and instinct. Somehow I survived and didn't break any laws but like a dream you don't remember I remember nothing of those unaware times.

You need to be careful as your mind plays tricks. Even when you think you are 'awake' and 'aware' you just may be playing another game in your mind! You ever had a dream where you thought you woke up until you realized you were still dreaming? This is exactly it! For all I know I could be dreaming right now as I write this and not even have known the full experience and awareness of what life has to offer. How do I know this is a realer deal than the last though?

* My worry/anxiety/general terror of the world has subsided

* My life has started shaping itself again into a place of calmness and peace and joy and not one where things seem to break and fall apart before my very eyes over and over again like they did the past 2 months.

Sure I may not know all the answers. But from my vantage point I could see where I failed and others are failing currently. Stop playing the game for a second and just absorb the world around you in as a sort of unthinking but experiencing husk of pure awareness. Maybe then and only then will your life suddenly shape itself to become what you truly want. It is from the ether's of this 'presence' in which we create the lives we want. When we play the game we are trying to form our lives thru the rules of the game and in doing so the effort is much more enormous as you are trying to move a mountain with a toothpick rather than the hand of creation. Corrolary: When you are playing the game instead of being present you actually are being present but instead of creating ACTIVELY you are creating PASSIVELY. When you create passively you have NO CONSCIOUS CONTROL of what you are creating and hence may be creating more situations to worry about, more goals and insecurities to conquer, more ways to optimize your time, etc...

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Fri, 10 Jan 2014 22:06:46 +0000
Overanxiety, Worrying, Insanity, and the possible cure for these ills... Hey hey,

Been a while since I've put down a post - been busy with the holidays and stressed with some events in my past after hitting a euphoric peak around Thanksgiving. That's when the curtain came crashing down seemingly. Looking back I guess with good reason too...

For the longest time I was a worrying type but I've only really been conscious of this recently. If anything even came close to being a possible thing to worry about my mind would obsess over it constantly and draw out every possible scenario and try to draw up actions plans to prevent such scenarios. Unfortunately once you solved that the mind would draw up more crazy scenarios given you more reasons to worry and the cycle would continue... Thus instead of enjoying life your brain would constantly use your mind's idle processing time to worry about things.

I didn't think much of this issue until it hit a new breaking point a month or two ago. I worried about things up to the point in which I could no longer control my mental state. Yes - I went insane - certifiably insane :p. I could not control the thoughts in my head any longer. Unless I was drowning out my mind in trance music or computer games or throwing distractions at it I would always go back to idle worrying and terror. Not a good way to live life if you ask me. I could no longer control the thoughts in my head. My mind had literally taking a mind of it's own and it was filled with worry and terror. I became a recluse for a bit as I no longer wanted to face the world - it was too scary - too much could go wrong - one small unfortunate circumstance could bring down our entire existences as we know them.

Anyway while I was huddled in a corner fearing existence I thought to myself, "wow - I wonder if there's a way to turn my brain OFF." Suddenly I felt jealous for the naive and unthinking - ignorance is indeed bliss - a bliss that will come crashing down any second once 'the whole truth of existence was known' but it was indeed bliss and happiness. At my current point it seemed like there was nothing I could do to ever be happy again once I was no longer naive about the world. All my worrying and drawing out of scenarios let me see the world for as it truly was - and I was terrified!!! If one pondered logically about how little it takes to bring down one's state of happiness you may reach an equivalent state I did.

Given all that I knew there was something wrong with me regardless. There are people who know the world but have been able to face it down and reach a truer type of happiness. There's the happiness of the naive and the happiness of the conqueror who's faced their fears and won over them. I needed to reach that state - and fast! I started thinking about ways to short circuit the mental process. I tried thinking about the origination and destruction of thoughts - kind of like meditation where instead of being absorbed in your thoughts you kind of separate from them and try to watch them form and dissolve them. Didn't really help too much tbh so I needed something deeper...

I wanted to learn more about meditation as that supposedly shut off the mind and it's insanity for good so I started googling up Tynan's old experience with pair meditation here:

I figured Tynan would be a good source as he seems pretty grounded in the 3rd dimensional sense but is able to pick up on the nuances of these more obscure airy-fairy arts like meditation. I went thru a whole artificial new age phase myself a while back but it was so cliche - I needed to now put in the effort to learn the real sh*t as they say. The current top rated comment by Jerry which was a half rebuttal to Tynan's experience really helped me out in that they admit ones goal in meditation is NOT to extinguish thought but to be able to determine that thoughts are a separate part of you and you need not necessarily 'attach' to them in a way. Still I ran into the problem I ran into a paragraph ago - I tried to let the thought go - I tried to bring my mind's attention back from wandering thought - but it was still a struggle.

The breakthrough:

Unfortunately I can't find the site that triggered my realization but let's not get all wordy about it as I usually do now and just spill the beans. The core thing missing in my life was 'presence' - I was NOT present in the world - I was 'lost in thought'!!! Presence is being able to brush your mind aside and just feel/intuit/absorb the world around you. Able to stop and smell the roses. How do they smell? What nuances are present in that smell? Your mind CONSTANTLY filters out SO MANY THINGS from your perception each day. Time to BRING THAT PERCEPTION BACK WITH PRESENCE!!!

Look around your room. Bet you forgot you had x,y,z lying there all along! Stare at them for a while, appreciate them, their colors, their shapes. their placement, look around and try to remember all your mind has filtered out! You are being PRESENT now and NOT LOST IN THE WORLD OF THOUGHTS.

This is why all of meditation makes you focus on your breathing/body/attention on one thing etc... They are forcing you to be PRESENT. Hearing the nuances of your breath - feeling the air expand and collapse your lungs/ribcage require you to be present and not thinking about what lines you're going to use on that hot chick further down the room in meditation class. Yoga/pilates/weightlifting/exercise - good for the mind because they force PRESENCE. You can't be thinking about crap like what you're having for dinner when the wrong cortortion of the body will twist your spine up. Your full attention and focus has to be brought to the present to complete the task at hand.

And when you are present the thoughts stop. the worrying stops. the insanity stops. and with continued presence your mind just doesn't bring these things up anymore for some reason.

Would like to hear everyone's thoughts and possible tips on this new realization! Now each day I try to short circuit my mind by being 'present'. Because when I'm present the thoughts die out and I am pure awareness it seems. If any of you are lucid dreamers this is VERY similar to the goal state in lucid dreaming in which your thoughts/awareness controls the dream but not to the point of 'attaching' to the thought (which will bring you back to the waking world).


New age bonus points: If life is indeed the dream and reality is indeed when we sleep (the higher dimensional existences) and our physical manifest 3rd dimension lives are formed in the thought realm (4th dimension) then it goes to show that constantly spending your time in worry only creates more worry in your manifest existence. The site I forgot really went into this topic in depth. They claim there is ONLY the present and time is an illusion. This is derivable logically as the only 'time' we live in is the present - we cannot transport ourselves physically to the past or the future. 'Time' is a concept we create to track changes in crops and moons and cycles etc and to estimate task completion timetables. Otherwise if we had nothing to track there'd be no need for the concept of time. They said worrying about the past is guilt and worrying about the future is fear/worry or something and since you ONLY form your manifest existence in the PRESENT if you are projecting worry into the past or future you are projecting it into the present - and hence will create more worry - and hence your mind goes out of control and you become insane as that mental proclivity becomes HABIT and becomes automatic. BREAK THE CYCLE BY BEING PRESENT!!!

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Fri, 10 Jan 2014 21:28:29 +0000
Why We Judge Fellow Humans by Chiara Cokieng Note from Chiara Cokieng:

You've probably heard that if you want to find out what you are most insecure and ashamed of, listen to how you judge people.

If you tend to say, "His shirt looks so tight on him!!" then you're probably most insecure of your body.

Thing is, I've always considered this statement one of those...

"Hmmm makes sense but nah"

At least not for me.

For example, the most blatant judging I (think) I do is about people posting "selfies" on Facebook and Twitter. But I'm not the least bit insecure about my social media posts. I don't even post a lot.

But Brene Brown in her excellent book, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings on Authenticity, Connection, and Courage, explains it so beautifully.

She doesn't stop at "You judge people based on what you are most ashamed of."

She goes on to explain why:

  1. If you didn't care about something, you wouldn't make a big deal out of it.
  2. You judge people to affirm that at least you are not the worst at something you're really bad at.

That's when it made sense.

If you're middle- to upper-class, you probably don't judge really poor people. Like people who go days without food.

You're in the best position to judge them. You have everything they want. But you don't judge them. It doesn't feel right.

You may not understand how they feel, you may sympathize, or you might not care. But you don't judge. It's just not an issue to you.

But what about other middle-class people?

For example, do you laugh at people who post pictures of every meal?

I'm thinking, what are they trying to prove?

That they're foodies? They have great taste?

They have money to burn on really expensive restaurants?

But my first instinct is this: I may judge them but no, I'm pretty sure I'm not insecure about my taste in food. I could care less if you hate my food choices.

But maybe it's not about food.

What if it's something deeper?

Maybe it's about looking like I'm trying too hard. Being a social climber? Acting like someone I'm not?

And judging this person who blatantly looks like a social climber and acts like someone she's not (extremely rich foodie), makes me feel good about myself. Maybe I look like I try too hard, but that girl is so much more obvious.

Look at her!

We judge people because it affirms us that at least someone is worse than us at something we're really ashamed of.

This is incredibly powerful.

For starters:

  1. If you feel judged, know that it's not about you. It's about them, their insecurities, their shame.
  2. If you're doing the judging, ask yourself why. Is it because someone's really bad at something? Or is there something you badly want to change about yourself? First step to the solution is to recognize it.

So, your turn.

What do you find yourself judging people about the most? Is it just because people are so ridiculous? Did you find out that you are affirming yourself by putting others down? Or something else? Share your thoughts.

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Tue, 05 Nov 2013 18:51:42 +0000
In my dreams... In my dreams I am unfailingly optimistic...

I own a single propeller engine car/plane hybrid that I mooched off eBay and park at the side of my place. When I want to go out on a food run I back it out of the side of the house and eyeball a small stretch of road near my house. It's good enough. I turn on the engines and launch myself into the air with barely enough space before the road ends. It's OK though - I made it up into the air - and nary a negative thought enters my mind. Yes I just busted out a plane and launched it in the middle of a residential district.

As I launch higher into the atmosphere I look outside the open cockpit at the city. I look at the buildings and green trees and parks and the expanses of urbanization that go on forever. It is breathtakingly beautiful. I just look at the horizon beyond and stare at it in a sort of infatuation. I'm just going on a food run. I maneuver the plane a bit and dip low as I'm nearing my destination. I am skimming the tops of apartment buildings, trees, dipping up not to hit tall power lines and I love every minute of it.

As I'm in the air approaching my usual landing strip - a small wide stretch of park jogging trail in a forested park my mind goes thru some passing thoughts. Won't I get in trouble for flying a single engine wherever I want in post-911 paranoid America? Nah... it's just me... it'll be alright... I can explain it away. I'm not a terrorist just a guy in a single engine enjoying life. The thought passes thru my consciousness as quickly as it came. I also realize I am not wearing a parachute or have any sort of plan in place if my salvaged single engine suddenly died thousands of feet in the air. I have a passing thought about all the people who'd be sad if I suddenly passed due to any number of accidents that happened from flying this thing. My mind quickly retorts with: Sudden plane crashes are extremely rare and can be avoided with simple preparation. Don't fly in bad weather. If the plane starts failing it's a single engine prop - just glide it down to a safe landing zone. Do whatever you need to keep the plane up as long as possible. It's alright. The thought quickly exits my mind as well because in my dreams I am unfailingly optimistic. I am in my element and I am happy.

The stretch of park looms up ahead and I dip the plane hard to prepare my landing. I seem to be going a bit fast for the ground and the landing site may not be long enough. It's OK though I've done this before - I know what I'm doing. I dip the plane down hard then angle the nose upwards while applying the airbrakes. The plane's engines cut out and I'm gliding over the ground. I am slowing down somewhat in the air and the approach is perfect. I land smoothly but I am still going a bit fast and the park trail ends up ahead. I slam the groundbrakes hard and the plane screeches and spins out right before hitting the trees. It was still about 50 feet though and I was supremely confident it'd stop. I recover from the spinout and taxi down the park trail as usual into a McDonalds parking lot. What time is it? I don't know probably about dawn perhaps 5 or 6am or pm - some time when the sun is either going up or going down.

I enter McDonalds. I order my usual and they can't seem to get my order right. Even in my dreams they are incompetent :p. It's alright though I've done this hundreds of times before and I don't mind them screwing up once. Suddenly the place fades from my vision and becomes darkened and closed in a flash. Suddenly even that thought goes and I imagine myself flying back. And then I wake up and all my usual human fears and paranoias return...

I reflect on my dream for a second and wonder if everything we already want in our lives we already are. In my dreams I am unfailingly optimistic. Negative thoughts enter my mind - are dealt with - and then leave as fast as they came. They do not linger. They do not argue with logic and crop back up and counter-argue themselves until they are totally beaten down with every logical possibility explored. After all that even then they still crop up again with a new worry or possibility unaccounted for. In my dreams though I am untouchable. I do what I want and I am happy all the time. I am fearless. It is everything I've wanted out of myself in waking life and it comes so effortlessly to me in the dream. Could it be that I already am what I want to be deep down inside? If I wipe off the grime of waking human consciousness and programming and bring the dream to waking life could I really be the person I long to be?

In my dreams I am unfailingly optimistic...

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Sat, 19 Oct 2013 10:46:59 +0000
Internet Socialization is really Social Porn - Discuss by War in Heaven Note from War in Heaven:

Looks like you've got most of the bases covered for now. The only remaining concern I have is the difference between the internet and real life in terms of dealing with a person.

I consider the internet 'social porn' in a way because people can become objectified and used merely for social satisfaction. Consider this case - if you want to talk to your bf you can just turn Skype on and when you've had your fill of him you can just turn Skype off with no long lasting repercussions. In real life you just cannot 'turn off' people like you can on the internet. If you have an annoying friend/parent/teacher/co-worker/etc... and especially family member you will have to deal with them persistently. There is no way you can just click a button and make all of these people disappear from your life. Thus the internet presents an unreal depiction of social life in which one can take as long as they want to answer a question, log on/off whenever, and act in a manner inconsistent with one they can in real life with no consequences. If you two end up being together you will have to deal with him persistently. You will have to share personal space with each other and physical space, possibly assets, etc... If you are in a bad mood and don't want to talk/see him you may not be able to just turn him off from your life. These minor things have broken many so-called fairytale relationships.

Given the above internet relationships are a bit shy of 'the full experience' despite being able to see each other / hear each other / etc... with today's technology. One other good example of this concept is the 'awkward silence'. On the internet if you don't want to talk to a person any longer you just cut the conversation wherever it lies and that's that. No awkward silences implied as that is the nature of online communication. In real life there's many situations where you just can't "AFK" from a social situation. Thus without anything to talk about an uncomfortable awkward silence is created. This is the gripe I keep hearing from many of our older generations regarding youth today - that we don't know how to communicate properly. Being social is not 'social porn' as is taught today thru the internet given you can ignore people whenever you want and only talk to people you are interested in. In real life you will have to delve into topics that bore you excruciatingly and feign interest if you are trying to be social (doing otherwise proves incredibly offensive to the other party). In short - it is an exchange between two people - a sharing of two lives - and hopefully they intersect well to continue talking. The older generations probably don't care about your new tablet phone or what you did in school today but they will ask you as a courtesy of social communication. In return you're expected to ask about them and get a sense of how they are feeling even though you could probably care less. In real life a social conversation is an exchange. On the internet a social conversation is usually porn as it is selfish and satisfies only yourself with no lasting repercussion afterwards.

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Fri, 11 Oct 2013 20:49:31 +0000
Cover sheet for my 50 Shades of Grey Post In an attempt to protect the innocent (or not so innocent?) from 50 Shades of Grey spoilers I will be making this otherwise useless post to mask my previous one on the front page of my blog.

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Fri, 04 Oct 2013 23:09:40 +0000
What makes a man sexy? 50 Shades of Grey gives it's input... In my last post I presented my intent to dissect 50 shades of grey and what women love about it so much to reverse derive 'male sexuality'. The topic is so broad and I could write paragraphs on any one thing so for starters I will just dump out the quotes I've been saving and do a quick comment on each one. If anyone wants me to elaborate on any of these points I will do so but otherwise I will gloss over select ones on my own time.

Enough bantering - here is the list divided by chapter.


Click back on your browser now or close this page if you don't want possible spoilers from the book.



Also bad formatting alert. This was ripped straight off a text file from my computer which I've been working on. Would take way too long to reformat though I will clean up parts if someone wants an aspect elaborated on. Sorry.










. Last point of no return












Chapter 1: Looks are the primary attractor for men.

attraction:I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet, and falling head first into the office. Double crap – me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey’s office, and gentle hands are

around me helping me to stand. I am so embarrassed, damn my clumsiness. I have to steel myself to glance up. Holy cow – he’s soyoung.“Miss Kavanagh.” He extends a long-fingered hand to me once I’m upright. “I’m Christian Grey. Are you all right? Would you liketo sit?”So young – and attractive, very attractive. He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly darkcopper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly. It takes a moment for me to find my voice. “Um. Actually–” I mutter. If this guy is over thirty then I’m a monkey’s uncle. In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake.

As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static.I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate....Why does he have such an unnerving effect on me? His overwhelming good-looks maybe? The way his eyes blaze at me? The way hestrokes his index finger against his lower lip? I wish he’d stop doing that....“Chill out?” He smiles, revealing perfect white teeth. I stop breathing. He really is beautiful. No one should be thisgood-looking....women read between the lines (control freak) women preconceived notions based on rich ceo reputation etc.... Mr Grey is always cool and never misses a bit - condescending but friendly - always dominant - never at a loss for words - never

self conscious - he KNOWS he's high valueChapter 2: But being hot doesn't guarantee your ticket out of the friendzone (what a shocker!)Okay, so he’s very attractive, confident, commanding, at ease with himself – but on the flip side, he’s arrogant, and for allhis impeccable manners, he’s autocratic and cold. Well, on the surface. An involuntary shiver runs down my spine. He may bearrogant, but then he has a right to be – he’s accomplished so much at such a young age. He doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but whyshould he?“That’s fine. I can still make a fine article with this. Shame we don’t have some original stills. Good-looking son of a bitch,isn’t he?” I flush. “I suppose so.” I try hard to sound disinterested, and I think I succeed. “Oh come on, Ana – even you can’t be immune to his looks.” She arches a perfect eyebrow at me. Crap! I distract her with flattery, always a good ploy.

---José is the first person I met when I arrived at WSU, looking as lost and lonely as I did. We recognized a kindred spirit ineach of us that day, and we’ve been friends ever since. Not only do we share a sense of humor, but we discovered that both Rayand José Senior were in the same army unit together. As a result, our fathers have become firm friends too. José is studying engineering and is the first in his family to make it to college. He’s pretty damn bright, but his real passion

is photography. José has a great eye for a good picture....José and I are good friends, but I know deep down inside, he’d like to be more. He’s cute and funny, but he’s just not for me.He’s more like the brother I never had. Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is –I just haven’t met anyone who… well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for those trembling knees,heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly, sleepless nights....I watch José open the bottle of champagne. He’s tall, and in his jeans and t-shirt he’s all shoulders and muscles, tanned skin,dark hair and burning dark eyes. Yes, José’s pretty hot, but I think he’s finally getting the message: we’re just friends. Thecork makes its loud pop, and José looks up and smiles.---My memories of him did not do him justice. He’s not merely good-looking – he’s the epitome of male beauty, breathtaking, andhe’s here. Here in Clayton’s Hardware Store. Go figure.Chapter 3: Grey shifts into the sexual frame EARLY (as opposed to Paul who friendzones and begs)“Christian Grey in Clayton’s. Go figure,” Paul snorts, amazed. He shakes his head as if to clear it. “Anyway, want to grab adrink or something this evening?” Whenever he’s home he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It’s a ritual. I’ve never considered it a good idea to date the

boss’s brother, and besides, Paul is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, notby any stretch of the imagination....Holy hell… what’s this about? What does he want? I pause in the hotel corridor, fidgeting nervously as Grey emerges from theroom followed by Mr. Buzz-Cut in his sharp suit. “I’ll call you, Taylor,” he murmurs to Buzz-Cut. Taylor wanders back down the corridor, and Grey turns his burning gray gaze to

me. Crap… have I done something wrong? “I wondered if you would join me for coffee this morning.” My heart slams into my mouth. A date? Christian Grey is asking me on a date. He’s asking if you want a coffee. Maybe he thinks

you haven’t woken up yet, my subconscious whines at me in a sneering mood again. I clear my throat trying to control my nerves. “I have to drive everyone home,” I murmur apologetically, twisting my hands and fingers in front of me.

...I surreptitiously gaze at him from beneath my lashes as he stands in line waiting to be served. I could watch him all day… he’stall, broad-shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips… Oh my. Once or twice he runs his long, gracefulfingers through his now dry but still disorderly hair. Hmm… I’d like to do that. The thought comes unbidden into my mind, and myface flames. I bite my lip and stare down at my hands again not liking where my wayward thoughts are headed. “Penny for your thoughts?” Grey is back, startling me.

...Chapter 4: Sexual tension is a must - if you both want each other - don't make it initially obvious! Scarcity increases value.I’m in your arms. Kiss me, please. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and gives me a small shake of his head as if inanswer to my silent question. When he opens his eyes again, it’s with some new purpose, a steely resolve. “Anastasia, you should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you,” he whispers. What? Where is this coming from? Surely I

should be the judge of that. I frown up at him, and my head swims with rejection. “Breathe, Anastasia, breathe. I’m going to stand you up and let you go,” he says quietly, and he gently pushes me away.

...Romantically, though, I’ve never put myself out there, ever. A lifetime of insecurity – I’m too pale, too skinny, too scruffy,uncoordinated, my long list of faults goes on. So I have always been the one to rebuff any would be admirers....Chapter 5:ALL of chapter 5 is basically sexual tension building up. They both want each other but still play the game.Chapter 6: ALL women have a sexual melting point no matter how tough or uncrackable they seem to be. Higher value women usuallyhave much much higher melting points. You need to be one BEAST of a man to have a chance with those types. dominant woman melts:

“Sure.” He turns to Kate and pulls her into his arms and gives her a long lingering kiss. Jeez… get a room. I stare at my feet, embarrassed. I glance up at Christian, and he’s watching me intently. I narrow my eyes at

him. Why can’t you kiss me like that? Elliot continues to kiss Kate, sweeping her off her feet and dipping her in a dramatic hold so that her hair touches the ground as he

kisses her hard. “Laters, baby,” he grins. Kate just melts. I’ve never seen her melt before – the words comely and compliant come to mind. Compliant Kate, boy, Elliot must

be night stand - love is just sex? the american gold standard?:“I’ll pick you up at eight.” He turns to leave, opening the front door and stepping out on to the porch. Elliot follows him tothe car but turns and blows Kate another kiss, and I feel an unwelcome pang of jealousy. “So, did you?” Kate asks as we watch them climb into the car and drive off, the burning curiosity evident in her voice. “No,” I snap irritably, hoping that will halt the questions. We head back into the apartment. “You obviously did, though.” I

can’t contain my envy. Kate always manages to ensnare men. She is irresistible, beautiful, sexy, funny, forward… all the thingsthat I’m not. But her answering grin is infectious....Chapter 7: Some aspects of the true nature of being feminine - you aim to please - you derive pleasure in pleasing.true nature of feminine nature?:“You’re a sadist?” “I’m a Dominant.” His eyes are a scorching gray, intense. “What does that mean?” I whisper. “It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.” I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea. “Why would I do that?” “To please me,” he whispers as he cocks his head to one side, and I see a ghost of a smile. Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that

yes, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want him to be damned delighted with me. It’s a revelation. “In very simple terms, I want you to want to please me,”

Chapter 8: just sex - nothing to see hereChapter 9: The ultimate truth about love - love is just sex. Corrolary: You can't have someone fall in love with you due to justpersonality/your intelligence/etc.. alone - need the whole package (there are exceptions but do they even exist if examinedclosely).sex as the beast solely:It’s such a turn-on knowing that it’s my body making him feel this way. Ha… not your mind. My subconscious sneers. I shake offthe unwelcome thought....female nature enjoys giving pleasure:Hmm… I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirlsaround the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle. I suck harder and harder, pushing him deeper and deeper,swirling my tongue round and round. Hmm… I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly withcarnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves....chapter 10:masterful emotional control:He smiles a wicked smile at me. “I can guess,” he teases softly. “I’m glad you can’t read my mind.” “Your mind, no, Anastasia, but your body – that I’ve got to know quite well since yesterday.” His voice is suggestive. How does

he switch so quickly from one mood to the next? He’s so mercurial… It’s hard to keep up. He motions for the waitress and asks for the check.

chapter 11:just storyline stuff...chapter 12:more storychapter 13: Women unconsciously disdain weak and needy men. BE A REAL MAN.disdain for normal and needy men:Paul is back from Princeton before he sets off for New York to start an internship with a financing company. He follows me roundthe store all day asking me for a date. It’s annoying. “Paul, for the hundredth time, I have a date this evening.” “No, you don’t, you’re just saying that to avoid me. You’re always avoiding me.” Yes… you’d think you’d take the hint. “Paul, I never thought it was a good idea to date the boss’s brother.” “You’re finishing here on Friday. You’re not working tomorrow.” “And I’ll be in Seattle as of Saturday and you’ll be in New York soon. We couldn’t get much further apart if we tried. Besides,

I do have a date this evening.” “With José?” “No.” “Who then?” “Paul… oh.” My sigh is exasperated. He’s not going to let this go. “Christian Grey.” I cannot help the annoyance in my voice.

But it does the trick. Paul’s mouth falls open, and he gapes at me, struck dumb. Humph – even his name renders peoplespeechless. “You have a date with Christian Grey,” he says finally, once he’s over the shock. Disbelief is evident in his voice. “Yes.” “I see.” Paul looks positively crestfallen, stunned even, and a very small part resents that he should find this a surprise. My

inner goddess does too. She makes a very vulgar and unattractive gesture at him with her fingers. After that, he ignores me, and at five I am out of the door, pronto. - the core power of male sexuality?:“Christian, please, it’s not every day I sit through conversations like this.” “I need you fit and healthy Anastasia.” “I know.” “And right now, I want to peel you out of that dress.” I swallow. Peel me out of Kate’s dress. I feel the pull deep in my belly. Muscles that I’m now more acquainted with clench at

his words. But I can’t have this. His most potent weapon, used against me again. He’s so good at sex – even I’ve figured thisout....“Christian. You use sex as a weapon. It really isn’t fair,” I whisper, staring down at my hands, and then looking directly athim. He raises his eyebrows, surprised, and I see he’s considering my words. He strokes his chin thoughtfully. “You’re right. I do. In life you use what you know, Anastasia. Doesn’t change how much I want you. Here. Now.” How can he seduce me solely with his voice? I’m panting already – my heated blood rushing through my veins, my nerves tingling.

...the conflict between sexual attraction and the human need for intimacy:As I drive away, my chest constricts, my tears start to fall, and I choke back a sob. Soon tears are streaming down my face, andI really don’t understand why I’m crying. I was holding my own. He explained everything. He was clear. He wants me, but thetruth is, I need more. I need him to want me like I want and need him, and deep down I know that’s not possible. I am justoverwhelmed. I don’t even know how to categorize him. If I do this thing… will he be my boyfriend? Will I be able to introduce him to my

friends? Go out to bars, the cinema, bowling even, with him? The truth is, I don’t think I will. He won’t let me touch him andhe won’t let me sleep with him. I know I’ve not had these things in my past, but I want them in my future. And that’s not thefuture he envisages....chapter 14:the inner goddess - biological clock - only one consciousness - SEXUAL:I flush remembering my very vivid dream. What on earth was that about? (bdsm sex) Last night I found it hard to sleep. My head was buzzing with various options. I am so confused. Christian’s idea of a

relationship is more like a job offer. It has set hours, a job description, and a rather harsh grievance procedure. It’s not howI envisaged my first romance – but, of course, Christian doesn’t do romance. If I tell him I want more, he may say no… and Icould jeopardize what he has offered. And this is what concerns me most, because I don’t want to lose him. But I’m not sure Ihave the stomach to be his submissive – deep down, it’s the canes and whips that put me off. I’m a physical coward, and I willgo a long way to avoid pain. I think of my dream… is that what it would be like? My inner goddess jumps up and down withcheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me.ALSO... (conflict between the rational and the sexual)“Jesus, Ana, you’re so unexpected. You take my breath away.” He steps back, and suddenly Ray’s returned, and the volume in the marquee gradually rises and fills my ears. We are not alone.

Holy shit, I’ve just agreed to be his sub. Christian smiles at Ray, and his eyes are dancing with joy. “Annie, should we get some lunch?” “Okay.” I blink up at Ray, trying to find my equilibrium. What have you done? My subconscious screams at me. My inner goddess is

doing back flips in a routine worthy of a Russian Olympic gymnast....chapter 15:Men go for what they want without niceties:“You are one challenging woman, Ana Steele.” He kisses me passionately, forcing my lips apart with his tongue, taking noprisoners. My blood heats immediately, and I’m returning his kiss with my own passion. I want him badly – in spite of the car, the books,

the soft limits… the caning… I want him. “It’s taking all my self-control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I

want to buy you a fucking car, I’ll buy you a fucking car,” he growls. “Now let’s get you inside and naked.” He plants a swiftrough kiss on me. Boy, he’s angry. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the apartment and straight into my bedroom… no passing go. My

subconscious is behind the sofa again, head hidden under her hands. He switches on the sidelight and halts, staring at me....Chapter 16:Voice is hot too - dominance:“I haven’t signed,” I whisper. “I told you what I’d do. I’m a man of my word. I’m going to spank you, and then I’m going to fuck you very quick and very hard.

Looks like we’ll need that condom after all.”His voice is so soft, menacing, and it’s damned hot. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire. He gazesat me, waiting, eyes blazing. Tentatively, I uncurl my legs. Should I run? This is it, our relationship hangs in the balance,right here, right now. Do I let him do this or do I say no, and then that’s it? Because I know it will be over if I say no. Doit! My inner goddess pleads with me, my subconscious is as paralyzed as I am.The realization of feminine essence:I think about his question. My backside is sore. Well, glowing now, and amazingly I feel, apart from exhausted, radiant. Therealization is humbling, unexpected. I don’t understand. Holy shit.The goal of the feminine essence - to catch 'the big one':“What?” “Oh, Anastasia, you’ve bewitched me. Isn’t it obvious?” No, not to me. Bewitched… my inner goddess is staring open-mouthed. Even she doesn’t believe this.

----The rest of the chapters are still a work in progress.For now it seems like the answer was here and simple all along (as well as reflective). What is 'effective male sexuality?'It's men simply being sexy and in the physically sexual frame.Looking your best. Optimize your looks. Women can pick out details - for maximal effect spend extra effort to get the detailsdown. This aspect is reflective as looks make up 99% of what makes a woman 'sexy'.Being a real man (strong physically and personality wise - resilient (not easily shaken) - not needy - you GET WHAT YOU WANT)

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Fri, 04 Oct 2013 23:03:51 +0000
I'm a guy and I'm going to read 50 Shades of Grey! Yep. Why you may ask? Isn't that a girlie porn book? A-he-he-he ::snicker::. Anyway, I want to better identify and distill the utter mess of what is termed 'effective male sexuality'. I've wrote numerous times about this in the past but this book will give me my first foray into 'practical' male sexuality that almost all women seem to find universally attractive. Despite the years that have gone by since pickup has first gone on the scene there is still a big divide between what women say they want (cultural programming?) and what they respond to (biology). Many men still grow up without old fashioned 'good man' masculine models to rely on as well because of America's inherent bias to politically correct feminism. There is a fine line that divides good men from oppressive men and I hope to turn those shades of grey into black and white. I hope thru synthesis of this work that I will be able to distill those shades mentioned earlier into easy to understand fundamental principles that better define practical male sexuality.

Will this book be the salvation of us all?

On a higher note, personally I honestly believe male sexuality has been suppressed by various forces (radical feminism, the media, sacred cow that 'men are bad', etc...) and because of this our society is falling apart as we men just can't get it up (sometimes quite literally with the worldwide falling T levels). It's kinda hard to have a family when the parents keep going their separate ways for whatever reason. No one seems to like each other anymore and all of America has taken on a very sexual short term gratification bias. Isn't there a better option to the mess we have now??? As for me personally I've kinda shelved the whole woman thing for about a year now but reading 50 shades and distilling the masculine from it would make an excellent capstone project imo to turn knowledge into deep knowledge. I hope to extract the goods that will help men everywhere both get what they want and restore the delicate balance that satisfies both men and women (not one at the expense of the other).

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Tue, 17 Sep 2013 21:46:40 +0000