Hello again - kind of a small follow up to my overanxiety and such posts. I was resting earlier and trying to do a half meditation regarding what is the source of negative overanxious thoughts. I think a lot of people suffer from bad idle thoughts during downtime or periods of unfocused thinking. Anyway it'd be nice to get these to stop as they generate all sorts of unwarranted negativity that will likely never come true.
The process: I was just letting my thoughts run wild and then in the middle of it just grab a sudden burst of consciousness and try to figure out where that train of thinking originated. I couldn't find it most of the time. For reference this same process is how one trains themselves to be lucid dreamers (waking up consciously while still sleeping/dreaming with the added bonus of being able to control the dream consciously). Anyway I just realized a lot of my thinking was automatic and while I could trace the train of thought I could not originate it most of the time. Scary stuff huh - most of our thoughts are spawned from some sort of nothingness without our conscious input.
That's when it hit me. Maybe negative thoughts are just reptilian brain autopilot. It is like we are born with microcomputers embedded inside us which play an infinite sort of paranoia loop regarding things we need to do to survive. If it's not eat / drink / sleep / shelter it's pay the bills or I hope x,y,z doesn't happen etc... Basically it's an automated task you can't really quit that runs in the background if you idle your thoughts enough to peek behind the hood. Given that maybe it's best not to take it too seriously then as it's original intent is to keep our physical bodies intact. With that goal maybe it is better we have these reptilian brains lest we aim our thoughts too high then forget to tend to ourselves for a couple days and fall ill or die.
Anyway to conclude: there's a delicate balance at hand here. We should check on it every so often like a task calendar but not become so obsessed with it to the point of actually just staring at it and ruminating at the contents for hours. It's there to keep you alive and it's there to give you information - and that's it. When you're driving you keep your eyes on the road and what's in front of you. You should not be staring at the speed gauge obsessively all the way down the road as that is a sure-fire recipe for an accident. The reptilian paranoia brain is a point of reference and a survival tool but given the amount of attention you give it in your life it should remain solely as a reference. Check the speed every so often but keep your focus and drive on your destination.
....Or is it tap-tap-tap-tappa-tap? I haven't posted in a while but I'm currently typing this article up while sitting on a pile of towels with a pillow on my back. I'm currently testing out how I'd feel if I bought a new office chair to replace the one falling apart for years which I'm sitting on. You see I did it. I quit my job. I actually started a semi-serious exercise regiment. I'm beginning the birth of a new life where I am at the helm actively. I've started getting things in order like health insurance. And for all this time I've been silent - because silence is the sound of execution.
Maybe I just talked too much before- talked to myself mostly. The spirits think I think too much :p In real waking life I'm more of a listener and an introvert. I can fill an internet chat room with words easily but that's just it. It's all an illusion. It's all smoke and mirrors. What the persistent chat text doesn't show you is the silence and thought that echo for hours straight after. People who spend a lot of time on the internet think they can talk. They are fooled because you just can't get up and leave a conversation or leave a 4 hour pause in the middle of it in real life. But I digress - I just wanted to test how typing felt like with this new position if I got a new chair. Where my arms hands legs would go - how I would hold the mouse - oh I bought a new mouse by the way. Ironically after trying and returning expensive mice I settled for a simple flat 3 button'd regular sized mouse from HP. It fit me and my mousing style the best.
I think this would be doable - a new office chair. If I'm about to spend a lot of time relearning how to program or going into similar but divergent things I'm probably going to be in front of a computer all day regardless. Even while gaming. OK my back is starting to feel a tad sore but that's OK because the pillow is hardly as supportive as the chair I've tried earlier today. Swear I spent an hour+ just sitting on that chair, adjusting it endlessly, and scooting it around on simulated desks. I sat at a random expensive desk and noted the height and just stared into the distance pretending I finally hooked in a working dual monitor setup. I wonder if everyone thought I was crazy. Reminds me of that Gnarls Barkley song 'Crazy' Maybe I'm Craaaaazy. But yeah I don't care this is my life and my rules now.
Office depot is about to close - yeah I know - cheap POS chair but I tested it - it will do I think. It's on sale but still gonna set me back about 162 total according to this reciept. Jumping head first for a Leap chair or whatever for 800$ seemed a bit excessive and even if it lasts a year or two maybe my financial situation will change a lot by then or I'll have a much more solid vision of what I want in a chair. Anyway I gotta go - silence once again - silence is the sound of execution.
A two-fer - double whammy follow up to the post I made just minutes ago at
http://sett.com/thetinyoctopus/overanxiety-worrying-insanity-and-the-possible-cure-for-these-ills. Similar to Metallica's Unforgiven song which has 3 parts and each one just really hits home. Obscure but relevant reference imo.
Most (if not all people) don't really live their lives - they just play games within them. You think you are all high and mighty reading these SETT articles and working on your self improvement and working on your life and bulking up and learning how to invest and expanding your consciousness with travel and good habits and hard hitting realizations regarding business and the opposite gender etc etc... You haven't been really living life. You haven't been present in your life. You've just been lost in thought and running inside a hamster wheel created by your mind.
This is the true Matrix sh*t right here folks. All of the above is all well and good and is part of your soul growth but here's the clincher. Like any novel or movie every good game comes to an end. And this you know to be obvious and true. You don't live forever. You don't remember everything. Time will pass regardless of what you think of it. Loved ones will die. Buildings will rise and crumble. Your favorite childhood escapes will become parking lots. The party will always end sometime. Your looks will fade. Your health will decay. You will be forgotten. Your mind will block this truth subconsciously and in the small moments you have the idle time to process it your mind will retreat in sheer terror and bury it even deeper than it did last time. Your mind will create more games and more illusions and more matrixies(is this a proper plural rofl) inside the matrix to keep you distracted from the truth. The truth that your mind is part of the game and like the game it will eventually end.
Even if the end doesn't come for you or you've created the barriers of wealth, happiness, peace, etc... to ward them off maybe you'll reach some sort of strange insanity like I have in which no matter how far you've distanced yourself from the terror within it always finds a way to creep up to you and drown out your thoughts until you can no longer control the never-ending negativity. You see you know this to be true as well. Everyone with over x million dollars isn't living in some sort of ecstatic ascended bliss - they have problems too - and sometimes even much more so than those who have absolutely nothing. Sure they've created a bigger sandwall to hold back the flood but the realization of the truth of our world pours from an infinite well. You can run away - and yes some of us run far - farther than our own physical lives - but if you believe in reincarnation it will just creep up on you at a later date. If not then pat yourself on the back since from blackness you've came and unto blackness you shall return!!! Unfortunately if you believe that then you are even more aware of the terror than most as you know once your physical shell dies all will cease.
Been a while since I've put down a post - been busy with the holidays and stressed with some events in my past after hitting a euphoric peak around Thanksgiving. That's when the curtain came crashing down seemingly. Looking back I guess with good reason too...
For the longest time I was a worrying type but I've only really been conscious of this recently. If anything even came close to being a possible thing to worry about my mind would obsess over it constantly and draw out every possible scenario and try to draw up actions plans to prevent such scenarios. Unfortunately once you solved that the mind would draw up more crazy scenarios given you more reasons to worry and the cycle would continue... Thus instead of enjoying life your brain would constantly use your mind's idle processing time to worry about things.
I didn't think much of this issue until it hit a new breaking point a month or two ago. I worried about things up to the point in which I could no longer control my mental state. Yes - I went insane - certifiably insane :p. I could not control the thoughts in my head any longer. Unless I was drowning out my mind in trance music or computer games or throwing distractions at it I would always go back to idle worrying and terror. Not a good way to live life if you ask me. I could no longer control the thoughts in my head. My mind had literally taking a mind of it's own and it was filled with worry and terror. I became a recluse for a bit as I no longer wanted to face the world - it was too scary - too much could go wrong - one small unfortunate circumstance could bring down our entire existences as we know them.
Anyway while I was huddled in a corner fearing existence I thought to myself, "wow - I wonder if there's a way to turn my brain OFF." Suddenly I felt jealous for the naive and unthinking - ignorance is indeed bliss - a bliss that will come crashing down any second once 'the whole truth of existence was known' but it was indeed bliss and happiness. At my current point it seemed like there was nothing I could do to ever be happy again once I was no longer naive about the world. All my worrying and drawing out of scenarios let me see the world for as it truly was - and I was terrified!!! If one pondered logically about how little it takes to bring down one's state of happiness you may reach an equivalent state I did.
You've probably heard that if you want to find out what you are most insecure and ashamed of, listen to how you judge people.
If you tend to say, "His shirt looks so tight on him!!" then you're probably most insecure of your body.
Thing is, I've always considered this statement one of those...
"Hmmm makes sense but nah"
At least not for me.
In my dreams I am unfailingly optimistic...
I own a single propeller engine car/plane hybrid that I mooched off eBay and park at the side of my place. When I want to go out on a food run I back it out of the side of the house and eyeball a small stretch of road near my house. It's good enough. I turn on the engines and launch myself into the air with barely enough space before the road ends. It's OK though - I made it up into the air - and nary a negative thought enters my mind. Yes I just busted out a plane and launched it in the middle of a residential district.
As I launch higher into the atmosphere I look outside the open cockpit at the city. I look at the buildings and green trees and parks and the expanses of urbanization that go on forever. It is breathtakingly beautiful. I just look at the horizon beyond and stare at it in a sort of infatuation. I'm just going on a food run. I maneuver the plane a bit and dip low as I'm nearing my destination. I am skimming the tops of apartment buildings, trees, dipping up not to hit tall power lines and I love every minute of it.
As I'm in the air approaching my usual landing strip - a small wide stretch of park jogging trail in a forested park my mind goes thru some passing thoughts. Won't I get in trouble for flying a single engine wherever I want in post-911 paranoid America? Nah... it's just me... it'll be alright... I can explain it away. I'm not a terrorist just a guy in a single engine enjoying life. The thought passes thru my consciousness as quickly as it came. I also realize I am not wearing a parachute or have any sort of plan in place if my salvaged single engine suddenly died thousands of feet in the air. I have a passing thought about all the people who'd be sad if I suddenly passed due to any number of accidents that happened from flying this thing. My mind quickly retorts with: Sudden plane crashes are extremely rare and can be avoided with simple preparation. Don't fly in bad weather. If the plane starts failing it's a single engine prop - just glide it down to a safe landing zone. Do whatever you need to keep the plane up as long as possible. It's alright. The thought quickly exits my mind as well because in my dreams I am unfailingly optimistic. I am in my element and I am happy.
The stretch of park looms up ahead and I dip the plane hard to prepare my landing. I seem to be going a bit fast for the ground and the landing site may not be long enough. It's OK though I've done this before - I know what I'm doing. I dip the plane down hard then angle the nose upwards while applying the airbrakes. The plane's engines cut out and I'm gliding over the ground. I am slowing down somewhat in the air and the approach is perfect. I land smoothly but I am still going a bit fast and the park trail ends up ahead. I slam the groundbrakes hard and the plane screeches and spins out right before hitting the trees. It was still about 50 feet though and I was supremely confident it'd stop. I recover from the spinout and taxi down the park trail as usual into a McDonalds parking lot. What time is it? I don't know probably about dawn perhaps 5 or 6am or pm - some time when the sun is either going up or going down.
Looks like you've got most of the bases covered for now. The only remaining concern I have is the difference between the internet and real life in terms of dealing with a person.
I consider the internet 'social porn' in a way because people can become objectified and used merely for social satisfaction. Consider this case - if you want to talk to your bf you can just turn Skype on and when you've had your fill of him you can just turn Skype off with no long lasting repercussions. In real life you just cannot 'turn off' people like you can on the internet. If you have an annoying friend/parent/teacher/co-worker/etc... and especially family member you will have to deal with them persistently. There is no way you can just click a button and make all of these people disappear from your life. Thus the internet presents an unreal depiction of social life in which one can take as long as they want to answer a question, log on/off whenever, and act in a manner inconsistent with one they can in real life with no consequences. If you two end up being together you will have to deal with him persistently. You will have to share personal space with each other and physical space, possibly assets, etc... If you are in a bad mood and don't want to talk/see him you may not be able to just turn him off from your life. These minor things have broken many so-called fairytale relationships.
Given the above internet relationships are a bit shy of 'the full experience' despite being able to see each other / hear each other / etc... with today's technology. One other good example of this concept is the 'awkward silence'. On the internet if you don't want to talk to a person any longer you just cut the conversation wherever it lies and that's that. No awkward silences implied as that is the nature of online communication. In real life there's many situations where you just can't "AFK" from a social situation. Thus without anything to talk about an uncomfortable awkward silence is created. This is the gripe I keep hearing from many of our older generations regarding youth today - that we don't know how to communicate properly. Being social is not 'social porn' as is taught today thru the internet given you can ignore people whenever you want and only talk to people you are interested in. In real life you will have to delve into topics that bore you excruciatingly and feign interest if you are trying to be social (doing otherwise proves incredibly offensive to the other party). In short - it is an exchange between two people - a sharing of two lives - and hopefully they intersect well to continue talking. The older generations probably don't care about your new tablet phone or what you did in school today but they will ask you as a courtesy of social communication. In return you're expected to ask about them and get a sense of how they are feeling even though you could probably care less. In real life a social conversation is an exchange. On the internet a social conversation is usually porn as it is selfish and satisfies only yourself with no lasting repercussion afterwards.
In an attempt to protect the innocent (or not so innocent?) from 50 Shades of Grey spoilers I will be making this otherwise useless post to mask my previous one on the front page of my blog.
In my last post I presented my intent to dissect 50 shades of grey and what women love about it so much to reverse derive 'male sexuality'. The topic is so broad and I could write paragraphs on any one thing so for starters I will just dump out the quotes I've been saving and do a quick comment on each one. If anyone wants me to elaborate on any of these points I will do so but otherwise I will gloss over select ones on my own time.
Enough bantering - here is the list divided by chapter.
HEAVY SPOILER ALERT
Click back on your browser now or close this page if you don't want possible spoilers from the book.
Yep. Why you may ask? Isn't that a girlie porn book? A-he-he-he ::snicker::. Anyway, I want to better identify and distill the utter mess of what is termed 'effective male sexuality'. I've wrote numerous times about this in the past but this book will give me my first foray into 'practical' male sexuality that almost all women seem to find universally attractive. Despite the years that have gone by since pickup has first gone on the scene there is still a big divide between what women say they want (cultural programming?) and what they respond to (biology). Many men still grow up without old fashioned 'good man' masculine models to rely on as well because of America's inherent bias to politically correct feminism. There is a fine line that divides good men from oppressive men and I hope to turn those shades of grey into black and white. I hope thru synthesis of this work that I will be able to distill those shades mentioned earlier into easy to understand fundamental principles that better define practical male sexuality.
Will this book be the salvation of us all?
On a higher note, personally I honestly believe male sexuality has been suppressed by various forces (radical feminism, the media, sacred cow that 'men are bad', etc...) and because of this our society is falling apart as we men just can't get it up (sometimes quite literally with the worldwide falling T levels). It's kinda hard to have a family when the parents keep going their separate ways for whatever reason. No one seems to like each other anymore and all of America has taken on a very sexual short term gratification bias. Isn't there a better option to the mess we have now??? As for me personally I've kinda shelved the whole woman thing for about a year now but reading 50 shades and distilling the masculine from it would make an excellent capstone project imo to turn knowledge into deep knowledge. I hope to extract the goods that will help men everywhere both get what they want and restore the delicate balance that satisfies both men and women (not one at the expense of the other).