Blogtopus peer into the mind of a mollusc en-us Sun, 22 Sep 2019 17:29:12 +0000 Sett RSS Generator Unstuck I've always been bad at dealing with reality. But I feel like I've finally gotten a foothold in it.

I'm slowly transitioning back from a hedonistic, short-term mindset to a realistic, balanced mindset. There's always tomorrow. I don't have to experience everything today. No longer do I believe that my life will actually end soon, as I had for a long, long time. I seriously thought that I was going to have to kill myself as the solution to my problems. Problems that kept deteriorating because I couldn't deal with them. Didn't have the slightest clue how to deal with them. Cause I couldn't deal with reality. Cause I have Asperger's Syndrome. Because, basically, I am an idiot savant. Maybe not as idiot, but also not as savant.

Anyways, the only solution to my problems was suicide. But that's not true anymore. I have hope. I don't have to have everything figured out right now. I don't have to account for all possible scenarios, all possible permutations, so that I make the empirically best choice. I'm going to rely on my whole brain to learn instead of taxing my frontal lobe until it explodes. I'm becoming more human, like I always wanted to be. I've definitely made a lot of progress, and I'm very happy for that. When I was a kid, I always felt like a shell of a person. Now I know why.

Now I can deal with life.

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Thu, 03 Oct 2013 17:26:45 +0000
Why do I stuck so much no drive in life, no desire or compunction to do what i need to do

lack of conviction in terms of what's the right choice, constantly getting confused by my own mind. every thought i consider will inevitably lead me to considering another thing. decisions won't be made, only nullified

i instinctively mull over things that don't matter at all, that don't help me achieve the goal i'm working towards. i have formed a habit of letting my mind get distracted by anything, just to "figure something out"

i have a lot of unsubstantiated "knowledge" that I gained from books and passed my logic test, so now they always pop up to "help" me validate the "truth" of a statement. Of course I can never act on something without being completely sure that it will work beforehand. Uncertainty gives me a lot of anxiety and makes me want to give up - like every time i try to code something these days, pondering my next step seems like walking into an abyss. It really shouldn't, I feel like I know enough that it shouldn't be the case, but I think I haven't linked up that knowledge properly. I've assembled it into my web of confusion, but it doesn't help solve problems because it's not linear. the knowledge doesn't know when to pop up, when it's actually relevant. it just pops up all the time. anything tangentially related, and i'll consider it. And this is happening for tons of bits of "knowledge" at once. So I have huge amounts of crap running through my head. I guess this is why I had to use a pad and paper to work through this shit and actually get anything done at Bridgestone

i've always been a space case. i've been convinced of things that i've read just because they make sense, just because they link up with my other knowledge. I've made up theories to explain people's behavior that were utterly stupid, and tried to always keep track of all the possibilities, because I have Asperger's and had no idea how other people really think. All these possibilities stuck around in my head and added to the clutter.

I'm not sure of anything. There are always so many possibilities to consider. I used to have "heuristics", theories about how the world works, to guide me in these sorts of scenarios, but many have proven themselves useless, so now I don't.

I've always wanted to spend as little time on things as possible, which made me want to disregard important things and take shortcuts. It makes me sloppy. It makes me stupid. It makes me forget stuff.

Taco Bell

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Sun, 04 Aug 2013 22:09:00 +0000
answers? nami

try to be more compassionate and forgiving on yourself and i am a person with limits and i am still trying to adjust to my limits and adjust your standards to 

being more considerate and forgiving

stop beating yourself up

try to find an answer other than i'm a shitty human being

if i call myself a shitty human being that becomes an inescapable identity and it makes me want to give up

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Thu, 18 Jul 2013 18:54:11 +0000
shit can't work on my portfolio cause of some weird fucking anxiety
i guess i don't want people to see how shitty it is
can't work on the programming skills test cause i don't fucking know
holy fuck i am a bad rooster

fuck i am terrible
why do i suck
why do i suck?

i am so bad
at everything

i am the worst
i am a shittiness and a plague upon this earth

i can't even answer questions in interviews

i have to just tell them "well i didn't really work on that cause they didn't let me"
god i'm bad

i'm so bad and dumb and everything i do is wrong and what am i gonna fucking do

i sound like a fucking idiot talking about fucking parantheses and braces lining up

i mean really


why am i so shitty

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Thu, 18 Jul 2013 18:53:18 +0000
What is Truth? By the way, this blog is mostly for me to get my thoughts down right now.

I used to believe logic was the way to win everything. Logic means 100% knowledge. Logic means certainty. I am not feeling very coherent right now.

You can always find the right way by logic. The right way is in the logic, like the proof is in the pudding. Everything is there for you to figure it out. Find the right goal, find the right way to achieve that goal. All knowledge is immediate and knowable (since you can ask a question and get an immediate response). Just like real life!

Just think of how to formulate what you need to know, then ask! The answer will magically come to you. It's called Magic. The Blathering.

Since all knowledge is absolute and transferrable, but also immediate once you ask a question, you can very quickly figure anything out using Critical Thinking and the Logic.

But you don't have to actually know anything! Just ask questions.

This is what I meant by Truths? More or less

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Fri, 21 Jun 2013 20:32:46 +0000
Suicide Hotline By the way, this blog is mostly for me to get my thoughts down right now. 

So I call the Suicide Hotline a whole lot. I get frustrated as shit and I don't know how to fucking deal with it. Mostly when I start thinking about suicide, and how beautiful it would be to end it. How beautiful it would be to not have to deal with my demon. With the part of my life that I feel I have taken away from myself. 

I think I may be one of their most frequent callers. Many of the responders on the other line know me by voice, they know my name. I call at all times of the day. I've called many times in the morning when I can't get out of bed. I've called at night when I can't sleep. I've called during work when I can't fucking take it anymore. (Not that I have a job right now - I quit because of the frustration, and because I was depressed at the time).

Sometimes it is very frustrating to call up and get no emotional support. It is always very hard in the beginning. I sort of expected them to be very nice and ask me what's wrong, but they don't. They just say, "Hello". Like any other person. Here I am, dealing with a problem I can hardly tell anyone about, wanting to kill myself, thinking a million different thoughts, wanting to kill myself, and most of all, wanting to kill myself. And then I feel like the burden is on me to SOMEHOW communicate ALL this at once. Very frustrating. I wish they would just ask me if I'm OK, and ask me things. They don't really ask in the beginning. Maybe I give off the impression that I don't want them to ask. I know I can give off the wrong impression sometimes. My interpersonal skills aren't second nature at this point. And it's hard to think through exactly how I need to be sounding when I feel like I'm five feet under.

I mean, I'm calling up the Suicide Hotline for chrissake! Don't they have an opener? "Are you feeling bad?" "What's going on?" Actually sometimes they do use that. And that's nice. At least it gets things started. 

The first time I called up, it was just "Hello" "Hello..." "Hello." "Hello.....?" "Hello." ".....Are you fucking serious?" Then they thought I was crank calling them. Luckily the next time wasn't so bad. 

I guess that's really a huge problem. My interpersonal skills really aren't second nature. So while I can try to (verb of logic) through them, assess what needs to be done and do it (when I am emotionally stable), I still have to THINK about it. And second guess myself all the Fargin' Time. 

Anyways, I'm glad the Suicide Hotline is there. And I sure do call them a lot. I am very grateful that they are there to talk to. Because it's hard to talk to people you know about things. Especially for me. You have to filter, you have to be nice, you have to find better ways of putting things. I do, at least. Other people just work that way. Other people grew up being well-adjusted to society. 

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Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:01:54 +0000
Guidance By the way, this blog is mostly for me to get my thoughts down right now. Not everything will make sense, but if you keep going, it might. I don't really know who will read this stuff... But I had a morbid thought about how if I ever did kill myself (which I won't - I'm far too afraid of death) then this could serve as insight into the kind of person I was.

Right answers... Wrong answers... Always looking for a better way, always trying to assess and analyze. I needed to learn how to relax and go with the flow. I learned a bit of that in college. But it's a part of who I am to constantly be breaking everything apart, even though I don't really need to. It's a part of who I am. So right now when I feel destructed, when my problems, my demon, the isolation come crashing down upon me, it's hard to control that urge. 

I wish there was someone to help me deal with things, give another perspective, give me guidance when they know I'm wrong. But I'd have to trust that person, and no person in my family has been able to do this. What I mean is, I don't trust my mother or father to have any useful information, given the way they live their lives. My father is an alcoholic. He was a huge, huge stoner until recently. Recently. Until he was 51. My mother is just so stubborn and so naive in a lot of ways. I do often think of the possibility they may also have learning disorders. Perhaps genetically they are even the same as mine. I mean, I diagnosed Lisa at work with Autism Spectrum, and she reminds me of my mother in some ways. So do some of my friends from college that have Autism Spectrum in their families. I have theories. Theories, man. They make sense, at least from my perspective. With my Truths, they make sense. 

Actually, my mother is right about a lot of things. But she's wrong about other things, and this has gotten in the way. So... There's that. She's right about a lot of things. Better than nothing.

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Tue, 18 Jun 2013 13:40:03 +0000
My workarounds By the way, this blog is mostly for me to get my thoughts down at this point. Anyways, I have a learning disorder and I've developed certain ways to get around that. I am very good at changing course in the middle of doing something (probably way too good at it - I learned to give up and switch tracks a whole lot). I focus on a lot of little details and don't intuitively see the big picture. Intuition is hard, because for a very, very long time the way my brain has worked is to constantly be reassessing what's going on, and consciously choosing my next choice. This worked fine in school when I was given Truths and told to work to a logical conclusion, but in real life Truths aren't trustworthy. And I have generally had way too much faith in way too many Truths, and tried to fit them all together. It just doesn't work.

OK, so what other workarounds. I'm supposed to be "smart". You wouldn't know it from this blog, because I've been rambling, and frankly of late I've been letting my mind go to shit. But I breezed through school. I came from a pretty lower class family, my dad making maybe $30k most years. My mother gave me a good head start on academics when I was young, made sure I knew my alphabet, did arithmetic cards, that sort of thing. I can't even remember the real name for them. Anyways I think I got a foothold in school at a young age and I held on to that. I mean, as a kid I was learning words way ahead of my age, dissecting them, learning Latin roots, stuff like that. I probably could have been a spelling bee psycho-whiz. Psychiatrist... ... Prodigy. If I'd studied for it. If I'd had motivation, and believed in myself. If I'd had guidance. 

Anyways, I was never a straight A student, but I did get a whole lot of them. I was in the advanced-level classes. I excelled in school, really. My parents must have been very proud and felt pretty lucky. I think I was like Forrest Gump's son. That seems random, but I've diagnosed Forrest with Autism Spectrum, and it's hereditary. So near the end when Jenny says his son is very smart, I think he might be Aspie like me. A "little professor" as they call us when we are little. 

>>> >>> >>> David killed himself. I wonder if he, like me, struggled with social anxiety. He certainly was a prodigy, and he sure had more guidance than me. I wonder if his dad is not Aspie. I wonder if his dad pushed him too far. But most of all, I wonder why this thought jumped into my mind and won't get out. I wonder why it is making me feel down all of a sudden, when I felt very nice writing this piece. 

>> >>> >>> I wonder why ... Stop

I don't really feel like writing about my workarounds anymore. But basically, my point is, I've built the skills to always be reassessing the situations I find myself in, and constantly be correcting course, thinking through new things, multitasking in my head. My therapist thinks it must be exhausting and sometimes it is. 

One of the main problems with this is I get distracted. I have a lot of problems with seeing the bigger picture, and though I realized this a few years ago, I'm still bad at it. (Of course, you learn things by doing, and I haven't been able to do a whole lot of the thing that I can't do).

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Tue, 18 Jun 2013 13:32:47 +0000
Demon By the way, this blog is mostly for me to get my thoughts down at this point. 

Anyways, I am infested by a demon. There's this guy inside of me who is not me, and he is an evil dude with a mind for potatoes. What? Stop it. You stop that right now. 

I have a physical physiological problem that I've been dealing with since I was 16. It's not normal, it's not standard, it's not been diagnosed. It can only be described. But that's not going to happen here. It's too personal. But it destroys me. It makes me want to kill myself. It makes me want to find a long, sharp blade and stab it directly into my heart. It makes me want to jump off buildings.

I've seen doctors but had nothing but problems with them, no solutions. It must be something between my stubborn stupidity (lately I've been calling it retardation because that's what I feel - retarded - and Asperger's is a learning disorder that does slow your learning), and the ineptitude of most doctors (Pareto principle - 80% of everything is crap). It also can't help that I communicate oddly (as you may have noticed) and I used to think I knew everything because I read Wikipedia and it had taught me some Truths.

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Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:50:06 +0000
Meaning By the way, this blog is mostly for me to get my thoughts down at this point.

I can't just look where other people have found meaning, the experiences that mean something to them. I have to find my own within my own corner of the world. There is no Best Way to experience life. To optimize by constantly changing paths until you find the one that resists least is no way to find your calling.

One thing about life I had a lot of problems accepting was that you have to work towards things. You can't have everything laid out for you all perfect like it was in school. Being that I have Asperger's and only really interacted with society through school as a young person, it was only natural I view the world through a school-based perspective. But that perspective has failed me. The world is not straightforward. Progress is slow. In school, I was just getting caught up. And that's why the progression was so fast.

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Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:37:11 +0000