It seems to be such a simple thing, making a decsion. For most, perhaps it is. For me, not so much.
Today I want to think out loud about desicion making and duality; the division between good and bad; higher and lower selves and how each aspect filters and affects my decision making.
I struggle with deciding...with choosing. It does not really matter what the decisions is that I have to make. What should I eat? Should I bake this potato or mash it? Should I go out with my friends or stay home and study? I want this shirt..it looks great. Should I buy it? It some times takes me hours to make a decision about any one of this simple things...only to decided to not make any move at all because i am afraid to decide. It's a pattern that I am noticing..becoming aware of.
I am exploring the idea of my own duality...and am seeing a clear correlation, a pattern emerging. My "good" self, my higher self gently guides me to the way that is right for me..The quiet whisper of encouragment that would give me inner peace and synchronicity with my goals and dreams. But its usually the hard stuff, the fear laden stuff that I am not willing under it all to commit to.
Ahh, the decisions.
My "bad" self, my lower self likes to do what feels good, what is easy. It runs to procrastination, to diversions to crippling self talk that allows me the opening, however small, to use the escape hatch to do what makes me feel good rather than what is "right". It acts to protect me from myself..from failing.
And hence the battle commences.
And I must decide...
It is curious to watch (or listen, really,) to this argument as it progresses inside my consciousness. I am becoming aware of the constant chatter, and am trying to pause when I notice the internal arguments occurring. And just observe, like a fan at a MMA event....OH-The Low self throws out the desire to go out...and High self throws a HUGE you really need to prepare for your test and study..but the low self counters with a It Will Be Great and You WILL MISS IT!! Counter block and windmill blow to the brain..Going out it is!
This is how it happens..
I want to make a change. I done this long enough..my whole life.. and I am admitting it just is not working for the ME I wish to evolve in to being. I will ponder the following for next post:
My challenge to myself now is to:
1. understand my decision making process, my beliefs and expectations. Write them.
2. Keep the ones that work in a positive fashion, and learn to release the ideas and beliefs that no longer serve me.
3. Make the hard decisions of how I want to proceed with the rest of my life. Sculpt it; create what I want to be.
4. Define what my wishes and goals are .
What do I REALLY want? And how will I get there? Make the decisions to change my own life. I can do this. I know it. Because I am deciding to make the change. Today. Right now. Before all of you.