Reading what I've written is one of the most psychologically damaging trials I've undertaken. Does your own voice always sound cliche? Read back, played back, doesn't matter. I find myself trite every time I re-examine.
Why? Do I relive the intent and nuance intended behind the writing, unable to construct an original reading?
All my high school essays were first drafts.
Same here. My neurosis kicks in every re-read. It's like coming home after being at a fancy event, looking in the mirror and finding a huge zit on your nose and thinking "Gross... how long has that been there?"
What would have done if you had known about the zit? Maybe it's better not to know. I hope there's some benefit, because I am consciously trying to eschew the rereading and editing phase here. I think it is upsetting enough for me that it prevents me from writing in the first place.
I am important.
Really? That's hard to believe. I'm so obviously unimportant to so many people. What about the people I've never even in been in the same country as? What about the people in this room who have never given me a second thought.
I am valuable.
Looking at me they probably feel better about themselves. That's helping somebody.
I am better.
Last year, I did a Year In Review to sum up and show my growth throughout 2012.
A few days ago, I planned on doing something similar for this year. But then, I wondered to myself about whether this year would really be considered a success or not. At first, I thought it would again be defined by running and Breakthrough, the same two subjects that summed up 2012 for me. Now yes those aren't the only two things I've done this year, but they have made significant impacts in 2013.
In March, I broke the sub-5 mile barrier in the mile. I had a rough cross-country season, but my state championship meet ended up going very well and I surpassed all expectations I had for myself. Currently, I'm in my senior year of high school and am training for what may be my last track season ever. I can say for a fact that I will be running faster times than I did last spring. I do have some ambitious goals I want to accomplish in this upcoming season, but even if they aren't reached, I know I have improved regardless. This year has solidified the fact that I'm going to continue to run after high school.
My experience with Breakthrough has also changed significantly. This summer, I got the opportunity to be a full-fledged teacher intern (I was a TA the summer before). Responsibilities increased tenfold and I had to deal with copious amounts of stress, but it was an enjoyable experience overall. I was able to bond with my students more and truly understood what it meant to be a teacher.