Saxophone& Composing #strugglebus en-us Thu, 19 Sep 2019 03:46:34 +0000 Sett RSS Generator I Wish I Knew the Future. First off, I'm really sorry for bothering all of you like this.

Well, I wrote back to my ex last night (finally.) I basically said that he is a great guy, I don't regret what we were, but we made a whole lot of mistakes (in slightly more words.)

He wrote back.




I didn't read it until now. I was super afraid of what he was going to say.

He asked me back. He made this grandiose statement of how I'm the one he truly loves and how basically I'm his "the one."

. . . He told me I didn't have to answer right away and that he'll wait for me, but I don't even know what to say. I feel like this is one of those noble statements guys always make in romantic movies and this has to be fake or he was drunk when he wrote it, but what if he's not and what if I say "no way, Jose" and I end up walking away from the one? What if he DID change and what if he IS sincere and I keep thinking the worse and I turn him down?

I wish I could see about 6 months into the future and see where we are.

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Mon, 16 Dec 2013 15:14:57 +0000
Ugggghhhhhh. #boyproblems. I thought he was gone, and I realize that he's not. After we broke up, it was pretty peaceful. I was less stressed and I had a few more dollars in my pocket. Then in October, he sent me a message on Facebook basically asking me back. I read it but didn't respond. I was through. Then two days ago, he sends me another one.This one was longer than the last and was making all these grand statements and asking me back and it made me feel things.

I hate boys. I just hate that he said all these grand statements too late. He took me for something I didn't sign up for before and I didn't like it so I ended it. Now he's wanting what I wanted in the first place but how do I know that he actually changed?

I'm debating whether or not to say something. This is kind of scary and nerve-wracking and this is not okay.

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Sun, 15 Dec 2013 04:02:42 +0000
I wish there was a life award for trying. Sometimes, I try really hard at life. I try to go to bed at or before midnight and wake up in the morning and make myself breakfast and take a shower and brush my teeth even on the weekends. I try to pick up my room every night before I go to bed so I don't spend hours endlessly picking up laundry.

And sometimes I even try to get my schoolwork done on time. Maybe I'll even be on time for all my classes without skipping any.


And then sometimes I get really tired of being a grown-up and grocery shopping and going to the bank and working and it's really difficult. So sometimes I let my room get messy and I don't go to the bank and I stop cleaning my room and I wake up late and I stay in bed until three in the afternoon.


But I wish someone was there to pat me on the back saying, "It's all right. Let me give you this trophy for trying today."

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Tue, 10 Dec 2013 05:32:10 +0000
Composition: NIGHTMARE. Hey guys. I'm writing a composition for a final tomorrow. LOL it's not going well. I have to write a whole thing and right now I just have the piano part.
And then I'll start recording vocals for it and I'm really excited.

But scared because I also have to practice and do my theory midterm and practice and oh my gosh and SLEEP because I have to get up early tomorrow because classes.

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Mon, 09 Dec 2013 03:05:57 +0000
I LOST MY FINAL. Theory professor gave us a packet for our take-home final. I finished it last night so he could give me advice on what to fix on Monday and I can turn it in on Wednesday (the next time we have class.) BUT I LOST IT.

And this is not okay - I worked really hard on ten pages of this.

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Sat, 07 Dec 2013 23:20:42 +0000
If you leave me a supportive or completely sarcastic comment, that would make my entire day. I have to go to sleep because I need to wake up at 5:00AM tomorrow because I need to babysit and this isn't working because I need to do lists before I sleep so I know what to do tomorrow before I leave so I won't forget anything and this is making me stressed and this is why I can't sleep and this makes me upset and it's me staying up late not doing anything because I can't practice this late at my house and I have nowhere to go and I have to do two finals due Monday and I won't have time this weekend because babysitting and karate and I am freaking out and I have to practice because juries are a week from this Monday and and and and and and and and . . .

Update: I am very anxious.

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Sat, 07 Dec 2013 03:54:14 +0000
Things I Would Love to Do Consistently If I Had The Time
  • laundry
  • cleaning my room
  • vacuuming
  • composing
  • recording
  • making good fashion choices
  • keeping up with all of my friends
  • school work
  • being nicer
  • being less aggravated
  • eating healthy
  • exercising
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    Sat, 07 Dec 2013 03:44:56 +0000
    Hey. Sometimes I post things that I think are cool. Or maybe not, but I do it anyway. I'd love to hear your opinions on the subject. (Leave a comment or something. I love discussing things and seeing another's perspective)

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    Thu, 05 Dec 2013 05:00:44 +0000
    Noise. I'm always baffled by our fascination with sound. White noise, music, news, or even silence. Most people get dressed for work in the morning (or whenever you happen to work) and they instinctively turn on the TV or the radio and put on the morning news, weather, cartoon or what not. It's just on to be on. There is no focus on it - the focus is on preparing for the responsibilities ahead. But we turn it on anyway - myself included. It's become our daily need for white noise to fill that seemingly uncomfortable silence.

    I always keep my box fan on inside my bedroom. The temperature gets high and low and the air sometimes doesn't circulate well, so the fan helps to regulate the room a bit. I pulled the plug by accident and suddenly the fan shuts down. I stopped my assignment to listen. I was puzzled by the lack of noise. Silence. Silence. Silence. At first I didn't realize it was the fan exactly - just that something wasn't right.

    Sometimes I am irked by silence. Perhaps it is because I am a music major - I am constantly surrounded by sound and pitch and always I am listening. Music surrounds my life, and even in my brain I am uncomfortable thinking nothing. I always hum or sing a tune to keep my mind from dwelling on the silence.

    == (Music Moment Below)

    That's what I find so intriguing about John Cages, "4'33". He sits musicians down and they rest for 4:33. The audience is the one creating the music. Through their fidgets, coughing, adjusting their zippers, sighs, stiffled sneezes they create the piece.

    I imagine that this must be incredibly unsettling for these folks - here they are anticipating some grandiose musical expression and it's musical silence. That's what sets off the fidgets - people are unsettled by silence, even if it is musical.


    I think that this is why so many people talk without listening. They're not used to listening - they are blinded by the concept that almost all noise is white noise - computer whirring, keyboards typing, fans going, televisions blaring, even the radio or iPod in the car becomes white noise. The focus is somewhere else - driving, working, dressing, or even overanalyzing music that one doesn't hear the piece, but the elements.

    ------------- side note about perfect pitch -------------

    I think perfect pitch isn't good. I don't have it, but I think for some it's distracting from the music.


    Anyway. Silence. I think it's about time we started being friends.

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    Thu, 05 Dec 2013 04:56:22 +0000
    Get ready for an extremely unpopular and offensive opinion about mental health. I would first like to say that I do have self-conflict that I deal with on a daily basis. I do use coping strategies and I do indeed see someone to talk to about things. I am very much aware of the struggle some individuals have within their own lives - the struggle to find one's self, to express oneself, and how to communicate anger, anxiety, sadness in a healthy manner. However, how much solid fact do we know about mental illnesses?

    I know that doctors and professionals spout information about "serotonin" and "uptake inhibitors," but what does that really mean? What tests do we have to prove that my serotonin levels are low? How do they gather physical evidence that I am indeed "clinically depressed"?

    When I was taken in to the hospital after an attempted suicide, they took my vitals - any normal hospital procedure. Then they asked me questions. "Why did you try this?" . . . "Did you plan this?" . . . "Did anyone know?" . . . "Did you have a back-up plan?" It was like they were trying to build my life story into a movie. They did not take blood samples, or urine tests, or make me drink something so they can examine chemical levels.

    I do know that they made me talk to someone. They handed me a bottle of pills that said to take one every day and that should help me.


    I think that psychologists and psychiatrists invented this. I think that they invented the idea of a mental illness - they advertised it to the public as a mysterious thing. Anyone and everyone could be walking around with an undiagnosed mental illness. Anxiety, depression, dysthmia, bipolar disorder... everything is out there. No facts or concrete symptoms appear in patients - nothing like a fever or a broken bone or inflamed lymph nodes. No low white cell counts or paleness of the skin. Nothing.


    A checklist of symptoms and questions. That's it. It's all about perception.

    Bad coping strategies. A sheltered childhood could've rendered someone less capable of handling every day situations. Someone who lacks self-discipline to get up in the morning and start the day. Someone who does not have the confidence to confide in someone about feelings or emotions or how to share problems.


    Sometimes, I think that mental illness is overrated. "Take these pills," they said to me as they tossed me a bottle.

    That's it?

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    Thu, 05 Dec 2013 03:49:10 +0000