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check-in, reflections may 9th

please note: this blog was not the result of a prompt from Leo, I just wanted to write it. It's mostly for myself to process what I'm thinking, and it's not edited at all.

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I've been thinking alot about what Leo is proposing, that fear is the root of all of blocks we see in our lives. it makes sense. I was listening to KPFK 90.7 yesterday during their fundraiser and they had a guest who was talking about the stories we tell ourselves that are defeating, how we see ourselves in a particular situation or problem the way we would have seen ourselves when we first encountered this problem, that is probably as young children, teens or adults.

we are stuck there essentially. stuck in a story about this problem and stuck in a story about the results of this problem.

i totally get this intellectually, but there's a saying in spanish: del dicho al hecho hay un gran trecho... or from words to action there's a big gap.

Mission #5: 2-5 mins each day on a fear-related issue

On LL Change Labs

Mission #5: Pick a problem for which fear is holding you back, and spend 2-5 minutes on it during each unprocrastination session.

I am still working on this one because I am still working on getting into a grove with the unprocrastination sessions. I have done a few but not yet regularly.

However, in a sense I've already been working on this, because I have been spending a few minutes each day on my big goal -- exercise. I have been very very slowly building up my morning routine. I started with just 2 mins meditation followed by getting my work out clothes on and walking around the block. Each week I have added a tiny bit of time onto either the meditation or the exercise (add 1 min to the meditation or add some exercise) -- or some weeks I just try to maintain the whole habit if I feel like I have too much going on to add. Right now I am holding steady at 5 mins meditation plus walking the block plus a third activity that varies depending on the day of the week: MWF run the block; T/Th do 7-minute workout; Sat gardening; Sun yoga.

Each day I have been noticing the fear of discomfort, acknowledging it, and moving on to continue the task. I will work more to actively "comfort" the child inside who is feeling the fear, more than simply acknowledging it. On busy days I have an additional fear that I don't have enough time (i.e., I fear that if I do the habit, I will not have time to do x,y, and z.) I will work on applying this process of noticing and self-comforting related to this fear. Some of these days I will do the habit anyway -- noticing the fear and allowing it. Other days I will choose to skip it if I really don't have adequate time, but on these days I can a) notice the fear and follow the same process, and b) do a shortened version of the habit.

I'm noticing another thing -- a fear that I will drop the habit before I build up to where I want it to be. Building up the exercise is a long a slow process. I've actually been building up since mid-April and I still feel like I'm not doing much in the way of exercise and yet continuing to find it difficult to get it done. So it's hard to trust the process and remember that slow and steady progress will get me there in the long run. I'd like to eventually build up to 20 min meditation and 30 min exercise. On the plus side, I've been very consistent about sticking to it -- only missed a couple of days since mid-April, although several days I did it in the evening because I was too busy in the morning. I also have a big problem because although this is working for me now over the summer, I'm not currently getting up early enough to continue doing it once I start teaching early morning classes in the fall. In order to make this really doable, I'm going to have to tackle a whole 'nother habit of getting up early, which means first tackling the habit of going to bed at a consistent time each night. This is one I have tried several times before without success. I will be tackling this one soon!

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