All through your teenage years you feel so very grown up. I remember all the anger and rage and frustration with the world I had during those years. Then I turned 18, started attending college, setting on into the next phase in life. The anger drifted away gradually and I found a whole new set of problems. Any friends I had who weren't 18 yet began to joke about how old I was, it felt like I had stepped over some invisible line that instantly made me "old." In hindsight, I was so very silly during the ages of 18-21. I wanted to be more than I was and didn't know how to find my place because I didn't know exactly what I wanted. My friends in college didn't have jobs and were riding on scholarships or parents paying for everything; they'd only talk about homework and college activities etc. I tried to go this route and couldn't grasp how to study since I had never really learned proper studying techniques in high school, and so I did the best I could.
I was told to get a job and felt indignant about it because my friends didn't have to be working while they were in college, but I got a job anyway. After that it became a battle of finding time for myself, finding time for work, finding time for homework and trying to get myself to class on time. It's a tough thing to learn how to do. I didn't figure it out until my final year of college, at which point I finally felt achieved and was sad to be graduating. College had, at long last, become fun and rewarding.
When I turned 21 I moved out of home. My dear friend had a place and she let me live there. I got my rent paid, went to class, and was fairly irresponsible as I tried to be the person I dreamed 21 year olds are. I had never really fit in anywhere, I was determined to fit in with this age group.
Every year since my 21st I have felt even older and older and farther and farther from my life goals. I want to find a partner, have a small cottage, have a child and work on my art. I graduated college at 24, lost my boyfriend, miscarried, and lost my apartment. Over the past year and a half I've been trying to climb back up but I took so many pit falls and wrong turns trying to find something to make me feel as together as I felt when I was on a path to my life goals.
In an effort to get myself together after I hit rock bottom, I made my initial decision to move to Portland. I had been talking about it for some time before I made the ultimate decision to do it. When I had first decided to move I found myself a boyfriend and put all of my plans on hold. When that plummeted into a burning hellfire and extreme debt issues I felt like there was no time other than the present to get on that move.
I love Portland, it's not too big but still bigger than home and I'm too afraid to drive around too much, but I am feeling a lot better about things. There's a lot of opportunity around here to find new and fun things to further my frame of reference and life experiences. Those are the things I am hoping to capture in this blog.
My current living situation is in no way going toward the things I want though. I live with Brady who is my very dear friend, and I am going to start working soon, which is exciting! Hopefully I can start recovering some of the debt I got myself into in my last relationship, but I don't feel comfortable meeting people because I am scared to drive! Maybe when we get a new apartment I'll be able to walk and discover the tram and tri-met and be able to meet people, maybe find a new relationship, hopefully start saving up for my own house. I can't stop imagining this clock ticking in the background warning me that I'm getting old and running out of time to have kids and it's distressing.
Before wrapping this up, I should clarify my kid concerns. I guess for the most part, I've made them up in my head. I have Marfan's Syndrome and while it says there are no problems with pregnancies- my doctor told me I will have to be carefully monitored and will need a c-section. What I did read about it says the younger I am, the better. I know at some point in my future I'll have to start taking beta-blockers and I feel like once I've begun those my ability to do these things will become 70% more difficult. <-- I made that statistic up. So anyway, I feel like I have to get my finances under control, get my house, find a partner and be ready to become a momma, which is what I would really like to do, before I'm 30. I realize how unrealistic this is, and I try to remind myself of that often. But when I am just stagnating around and not doing anything to get where I want to be in life, it's very hard.
So I've moved back to Portland. I love it here, everything about it, and I want to get a house here. I feel like it would be a great place to raise a child and I have better financial opportunities here. I want this to be where I can finally spread my roots and feel secure and good about my future. I want to stop worrying about getting old! Home is where the heart is, and mine is here.