Teetering at the edge of a major life-altering shift is invigorating. It's terrifying but in an impossibly hopeful way. The abyss below is a void of uncertainty and fear and a boundless unknown. But at the same time it's a never ending force of hope that laps at your feet, beckoning you onwards. I am currently at one of these pivotal moments on my life. I'm ready to reflect and reinvent. Unfortunately I feel tethered. I feel as though I can't truly bask in my hopes for the future. The most heart wrenching part is that I can't because of something that once made me so happy.
Three years ago I met a boy. The first boy that had ever noticed me. I was rather a late bloomer as far as relationships go but so was he. We were both awkward, gangly teenager and so of course the first few months were pure sunshine. Blinding sunshine that blocked out the imperfections, the irritations. I can't say what I did for him, but during that time he helped me grow confidence and grow into myself. Now I'm comfortable with who I am and what I want, but I'm not so sure he is what I want anymore. And that's the problem.
I was so eager to be in a relationship that I didn't care who it was with. I just knew I didn't want to be alone. Now I feel confident and self-aware enough that I feel as though I am strong enough to be alone. And in a way I truly want to be alone. The next few years hold unlimited possibility for me and I don't want to squander them by being held back. I want to spend this time focused on me, not my relationship.
The question is should I end it or try to loosen the relationship to where I have more time to myself?He has done nothing wrong, but I don't feel as sure about us. I've changed drastically in the last few years and I think I deserve more. What we have is safe. I crave the new and the unknown and the daring. It sounds ungrateful, but I just have an overwhelming feeling that there's something greater waiting for me. Maybe there isn't but I need to explore other avenues to assure myself that the first love I ever encountered just happened to be the most enduring.
I don't want to continue this tediously careful and safe path. I want to live and be gloriously reckless.