A Star Wars Story
The Great Feud
“Hi, my name is Luke Skywalker and I have a pretty messed up family. My mom is dead and as for my father………………………………....uh, let’s change the subject! I have two droids, R-2D2 and C-3PO. I also know these really weird people; Han Solo, owner of the Millennium Falcon, and Leia, a stuck up princess. I pity anyone who’s related to her! Anyway, back to my story.
One day, when I came back to the Rebellion headquarters after having fought many a perilous battle against the empire, Leia called me to ‘Come and have a cup of hot chocolate dear!’. (Hot chocolate? What was I thinking? Leia can’t even make a decent cup of java juice and slice of toast without sending the whole kitchen up in flames!) I was a SLIGHTLY suspicious but having fought all day I was tired and needing some caffeine I obliged and followed her into her dining hall. Leia set the cup of hot chocolate down on the table. ‘So my dear,’ she began, ‘how did your day go? Did you recover the stolen plans?’ Nodding and shaking my head was all that I could answer to her numerous questions for my mouth was full of hot chocolate. Suddenly everything went black!
When I woke up my head was pounding. I reached up to grab my throbbing head I found my hand covered in blood. ‘How’d I get that?’ I wondered still rather dazed. I stood up and stretched my aching legs not caring in the least where I was. But when I opened the door and stepped outside, I did care. ‘Oh man . . .’ I breathed, I was in the Death Star!
For a moment I thought I had been captured, but I wasn’t tied up. ‘What the galaxy is going on?’ I wondered scratching my head and making my hand even bloodier. Nobody seemed to notice me. Storm Troupers marched right by me, ships took off and sergeants barked out orders. ‘Maybe I’m dreaming.’ I thought. I pinched myself just to make sure. ‘OUCH!’ Nope, I wasn’t dreaming, everything was the same. Suddenly, without any warning, Darth Vader and the Emperor came around the corner! I cringed; meeting up with the two most malicious guys in the galaxy was last thing I wanted to do! ‘I’d better get outta here fast!’ I took off but I was already seen. ‘Hey!’ they shouted, but I wasn’t listening. I was running at top speed oblivious to everything around me. I looked back to see if they were following me. They weren’t. ‘Ha!’ I said triumphantly as I looked back, ‘The chumps!’ Unfortunately, as I was looking back, I did not see where I was running and ran right into a glass window. I’m sorry to say that my, uh, incident with the window pane made me look absurd. I sent many sergeants into fits of laughter including Darth Vader! I slowly peeled off the window and fell to the floor. I looked up and saw the figures of Vader and the Emperor looming above me. (Well, at least Vader was looming, there’s so little of the Emperor he couldn’t loom even if he tried!) There was an awkward silence as we stared at one another. ‘I have been waiting for you Sky Walker!’ The Emperor finally rasped, ‘And I have one little thing for you……….’ He leaned down to me until I could feel his bad breath on my face. (Seriously! He needs to brush! Maybe I should get him peppermint toothpaste for Christmas.) Was he going to zap me? Was he going to bite me? If he was going to attack, I was in trouble! I broke out in a sweat. ‘Have a mint!’ The emperor cried suddenly pulling out a metal tin from his cloak. ‘What?’ I said, puzzled.
‘Yup! Have a mint! They’re sugar free!’ and he cheerily held the tin out to me. ‘Uh……….thanks?’ I said taking one, still rather hesitant. (Well wouldn’t YOU be confused? It isn’t exactly normal when the Emperor gives out breath mints!)
‘Well, time to get down to business!’ The emperor said after returning the mint tin to his cloak. ‘Wait,’ I said standing up, ‘before you start thinking up your unthinkable thoughts, please inform me how I ended up in this joint.’
‘Oh, Leia turned traitor and sold you to the dark side.’ said Darth Vader casually.
‘Yup! Sold you to the dark side for red dresses; she must have wanted to get rid of you.’
‘I can’t believe it!!!’
‘Believe it kiddo.’
Suddenly a thought popped into my mind. I felt my belt. ‘My light saber! It’s gone!’ I cried. ‘Oh, you mean this light saber?’ the Emperor asked pulling out a blue light saber from his cloak. ‘Yes! That’s it! Can I have it back?’
‘First you have to join the dark side!’
‘I’ll never join you!!!!!’
‘Fine! Then go weaponless for life!’ The emperor turned around and motioned to Darth Vader, ‘Come my malevolent minion! We must discuss the fate of our little prisoner! FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*cough, cough*HA!’ and with that, they turned around and headed into the meeting room to decide what my fate would be.
A knock sounded on Leia’s door. ‘You are given permission to enter!’ she called. In came one of her maids wearing safety goggles and holding some various test tubes and bottles full of who-knows-what. ‘If it pleases your most royal highness, your package has arrived.’ In came another maid bearing a medium sized box on a velvet cushion. ‘It came!’ Leia cried excitedly ripping open the package. ‘Finally!’ she said as she lifted a big white lab coat out of the box. She put it on and grabbed some safety goggles off her shelf. ‘To the secret lab!’ she yelled and dashed off down the hall with her two maids following close behind. She ran down three flights of stairs, went up two elevators, turned a corner and entered her science lab. I must admit, even though Leia has really bad tastes in interior designing, her lab was pretty cool. She had a table with all sorts of science stuff imaginable; test tubes, glass tanks, thin and thick plastic tubes all over the place! She had a desk for her paper work, a big book shelf for all her books, a rack for her test tubes, and shelf after shelf full of her ingredients for her experiments.
Leia adjusted her goggles, grabbed a thick dusty book and opened it. She skimmed hurriedly through the pages until she stopped short. ‘Ah ha! Here it is!’ she set down the book on her experimenting table and grabbed a bunch of random things from her ingredient shelf. First, she dumped some white powder in a great big glass tank. Then she added that who-knows-what stuff her maid was carrying, two big pills of chemical H5.R6 and ¾ cup of vinegar. She then scooped her mixture out of the tank and poured it into the mouth of a long thin tube. It slowly trickled through the pipe until it dripped into an even bigger tank at the other end of the table. The mixture began to bubble and fizz sending little drops of the deathly concoction everywhere. Suddenly, a bright light filled the room! The bubbles became massive!
“It’s…it’s…….IT’S ALIVE!!!!!’ Leia yelled. Her maid whispered in her ear.
‘Oh, yes, I knew that; ITS….err….NOT ALIVE!!’
The mixture started to swarm around in the tank until you could almost see the atoms moving. Suddenly, there was an explosion. Leia and her maids scurried behind an upturned table. When they were sure that the coast was clear they all peered at the tank only to see the mixture start to rise up in the air carried by its own intense heat! They all stared.
‘It’s astounding!’ said one maid,
‘It’s magic!’ cried another,
‘It’s PINK!’ Leia cried with glee. ‘PINK! ‘I’ve created PINK!’ and began to party. After recovering herself from her nervous breakdown she yelled at her maids, ‘Turn down that burner! Get a paint can and some brushes and scoop that pink into the can! I’m going to show everyone what I’ve made! I’ve created PINK!’
Han sat up in his bed and yawned, ‘*yawn* I wonder where our next battle will take place.’ (Han’s thoughts mostly revolved around wars and fighting.) He stumbled out of bed still half asleep and got dressed. Han opened his door and walked down the hallway to see that the Millennium Falcon was in tip-top shape before he went out to fight.
As he went he passed many fighter pilots. They all were acting VERY strange, he thought. When they caught sight of him they would attempt to call out a greeting but couldn’t and had a fits of giggles instead. ‘Some people!’ Han fumed, ‘What are they all laughing at?’ But when he passed by a mirror in the hallway he found the answer. He stood stock still horrified at what he saw. His entire outfit was pink!
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ Han yelled, ‘WHO DYED MY CLOTHES PINK?!!!!!!’ Han raced to a nearby sink and tried desperately to rub off the pink but to no avail. It just wouldn’t come off. ‘All pilots to their stations, all pilots to their stations!’ a voice over the intercom cried. Poor Han had no choice but to rush to his ship. Obviously he attracted much attention from all the fighters and was soon the laughing stock of the whole fleet. Finally Han could take it no longer, ‘IF ANY OF YOU DARES TO LAUGHT AT ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BLAST YOU ALL INTO SMITHEREENS!!!!!’ he roared.
‘Start your engines!’ said the same voice. Engines hummed, lights flashed, ‘Three…two…one….take off!!!! May the force be with you!’ the voice yelled. The ships shot off and soon disappeared into the sky.
Han slowly steered his ship in the rebellion garage. It had been a long weary-some fight and Han had been laughed at all day. He turned off his engine and headed back to his quarters intending to bleach his clothes. But when he walked into the hallway he gasped; the hallway that was formally white that morning, was now entirely pink!
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY ENTIRE LIFE IS BEING INVADED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ Han yelled overwhelmed. Everywhere he went there was pink: pink doors, pink guns, pink mirrors, even his own bed was pink! Han started to panic; he felt that if he did not get away from this horrible pink he’d go crazy!
‘I think I’ll just, uh, go to the bar for a drink,’ he said to himself. He felt a little better thinking about this and headed down to his starship. He flew all the way to Tatooeen and parked. He started walking toward the bar but he heard a funny noise, ‘Strange, I’ve never heard that before.’ Han walked through the door but suddenly jumped nine feet in the air! The entire bar was pink! And not only that, but Leia was in the middle of it all dancing the cha-cha in a pink ruffled dress and pink high-heels!
‘Leia! What are you doing here!?!’ Han asked after he had recovered. ‘Oh Han!’ she cried still dancing, ‘I’ve created the most wonderful thing! Pink! Do you like it?’ Han opened his mouth as if to say something but Leia started a conga line. Realizing that leia was definitely NOT going to stop dancing he decided the only way to talk to her was to join her in the dance. He raced off and joined in the conga line behind Leia. ‘Leia,’ He whispered in her ear, ‘Is there any explanation to why my clothes are pink?!!’
‘Oh you wore it today! I knew you’d love it! Oh no, don’t bother to thank me!’
‘Leia! I hate it!’
‘Oh stop! You just don’t want to admit that you love it!’
‘Say no more Hany dear! Stop fretting and dance with me!’
Han couldn’t stand it any longer. Clearly Leia was not going to listen to him. Nobody was. Well then, he would show her!
Han raced back to his ship and flew back to rebellion headquarters at light speed. He tiptoed into his room and opened one of his secret chests he had smuggled in the past years. He opened it up and grinned. ‘This is going to be good!’
I sat up on the iron bench. I had a splitting headache and I was sore all over. Clearly this was not going to be my day. ‘What happened?’ I asked myself pondering this for a few moments, (Leia’s drug still hadn’t worn off.) Suddenly I remembered I was in the Death Star and slumped back on the bench. ‘Great.’ I thought, ‘just great.’
‘Rise and shine!’ the Emperor squeaked in his annoying way. ‘Time to get to work!’ ‘What work?’ I asked with an uneasy feeling. ‘We,’ the Emperor began pointing to himself and Darth Vader who had just entered the cell, ‘we have not officially decided how you may be of use to us but for now, to keep you out of trouble, we are sending you down to clean the garbage disposal.’ and handed me a bucket and scrub brush. ‘What?! You gotta be kidding me!’ I exclaimed. ‘Now, now, no complaining, things could be worse you know!’ and pressed a button whereupon the floor gave way from under me and I found myself in the garbage disposal. They were worse. I could still hear Vader and emperor above, ‘Well, I guess that takes care of that, (I guessed that was the Emperor,) come my apprentice, let us get back to our wicked work.’ ‘No way,’ said Darth Vader, ‘can’t do any dastardly deeds now, I have a cheering competition to go to!’ ‘Very well.’ the Emperor replied.
‘Great, just great,’ I grumbled as I scrubbed the dirty walls, ‘while I sit here and work Darth Vader gets to go to the cheering competition!’ The cheering competition! That was the only real fun I had! Each year I toiled away thinking up chant after chant determined that the rebellion should win. When I went to the event, I hollered out chants as loud as I could until my throat was parched and I couldn’t speak for a week! ‘The cheering competition!’ sighed I. The cheering competition is the only day when I get to see my friends; Lilly, Ivy-Rose, Violet, Patrick and George! (Unless during the year I get sucked up by some whirl wind and we all go on some adventure. But that hadn’t happed for a while.)
As I was feeling sorry for myself scrubbing away at those filthy walls suddenly I saw a scrap of paper float down out of an air shaft. I picked it up and scratched my head in confusion. It read,
I know what happened to ya and I feel for you. Sometimes Leia can really be a jerk. To cut a long story short after Leia sold you she invented something called pink and painted everything with it! Now everything is pink and all the guys are mad at Leia. I am planning to get back at her with my secret weapon. Escape if you can and join me and the guys in our mission to defeat Leia and this pink thing. We will meet in the secret passage on floor 5882 at exactly midnight tomorrow.
Hope you can escape,
‘So Han is planning an attack against Leia eh? Well I don’t blame him!’ I said aloud.
I knew that I should help Han considering he had saved my life many times but I wasn’t positive that I could escape. For all that I knew the Emperor and Vader would keep me in this dump forever! At least I had a whole day to think about it. I sure hoped they would bring me out the disposal soon!
I fell to the floor completely exhausted not able to move another inch. I had been scrubbing that doggone wall for nearly twelve hours and still, not a speck of dirt had come off! I tell ya, cleaning a garbage disposal is not easy work. I leaned my head against the wall thinking that if I died right then, I would die with dignity even though I was in the midst of who-knows-what. Suddenly the escape door swung open and in came two of the Emperor’s guards. ‘Excellent!’ I heard the Emperor cry from outside, ‘He is completely spent and will be easy to handle!’ the guards grabbed my arms and dragged me toward the door. I let them handle me without a fight. I had no energy in my body whatsoever. “What does it matter?’ I thought despairingly, “It doesn’t matter if the kill me, I’m already half dead.’
The guards dragged me all the way up to a meeting room where they threw me down in front of the whole Dark Side counsel. ‘Quit lazing around and take a seat!’ a random admiral shouted at me. I stumbled over to the nearest empty chair and collapsed in it letting my head fall onto the table. The Emperor banged a hammer on the table, ‘Will the meeting please come to order?’ and the meeting began with the Dark Side’s ridiculous pledge. It is so brainless it’s not even worth retelling so I’m leaving it out of my story. The Emperor banged the hammer on the table again, ‘Will the treasurer please read the treasurer’s report?’ An admiral stood up, ‘*Ahem* We have exactly three hundred fifty-six billion dollars in our account.’ ‘Only three hundred fifty-six billion???’ the Emperor said, ‘We really need to do some more robbing! We’ll discuss that later. Anyway, will the secretary please read the secretary’s report?’ another admiral stood up and unfolded tremendously long piece of paper, ‘*Ahem* The great and powerful Emperor called the meeting to order. Admiral #800 read the treasurer’s report. Admiral #300, (that’s me!) read the secretary’s report.
Old Business: The council discussed and argued over the benefits of buying Luke from Leia whereupon the results were three strangled admirals and a positive vote to buy Luke.
New Business: Three new admirals were elected to replace the dead ones and the counsel debated over how they could use Luke as a benefit to themselves. Case was not fully decided. Afterwards counsel had a snack provided by kitchen #2,771 and meeting was adjourned……………………..’
I sighed, ‘Were they ever going to get around to me?’ I wondered utterly bored by it all. ‘Why don’t they just get it over with instead of prolonging it?’
‘……………….whereupon the meeting was closed.’ and the secretary/admiral sat down. ‘Finally!’ I thought. The Emperor banged the hammer on the table startling me, ‘Time for Old Business! Now then, our Old Business was deciding Luke Skywalker’s fate. Shall we take a vote?’ slips of paper and pencils were given out to everyone including me. ‘What am I supposed to do?’ I whispered to a young looking admiral on my left. ‘Write down your vote.’ he whispered back, ‘but for heaven’s sake, don’t make it unreasonable or the Emperor will strangle you!’ The Emperor read the votes and tallied them up on a white board,
Destroy him without mercy---3224
Send him to work in the garbage disposal till he rots---1916
Send him to Star Bucks to buy mocha frappes for everyone---5437
Try to turn him to join the dark side---8492
Let him go free---1
‘Let him go free?!?! Who thought of that?!!’ the Emperor shrieked. I felt like sinking into the ground, I guess that what the young admiral defined as ‘unreasonable’. ‘So much for that escape plan.’ I thought. But then the Emperor turned to me and called me up to the top of the table, ‘Well now,’ he said with many an evil cackle, ‘it looks like the most popular vote is to turn you! *gleefully rubs his hands* Now then, will you join the Dark Side?’ I was indignant, ‘NEVER!’ I shouted turning my back to him ‘YOU SHALL NEVER TURN ME!!!’ Darth Vader stood up and holding me by the shoulders pivoted me on my heel so that I was facing the Emperor once more. ‘Not that kind of turn!’ I yelled very much annoyed. All the admirals would’ve erupted into laughter but were silenced by a hard glare from the Emperor.
“Now then, as I was saying, shall you turn?”--Emperor
“You will still turn in the end. There is no escaping your destiny!”--Emperor
“Your over confidence it you weakness!”--me
“Your faith in you friends is yours!”—Emperor
“Oo hoo!! COLD!!!!!” Darth Vader shouted. My temper was rising and so was the Emperor’s,
“Your FACE!” said the Emperor
“YOUR DEATH STAR’S FACE!!!” I replied hotly. (At this all the admirals gasped in horror.)
“BURN!!!!” yelled Vader who apparently took delight in commenting on these sorts of things. The Emperor was red in the face, “If you shall not turn then…then…YOU SHALL WORK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE DAYS!!!!!!!!” I winced; I would rather have undergone torture.
So there I was: stuck in that horrid garbage disposal scrubbing away at that simply horrid wall. There was no chance of escape now; the Emperor had ten guards posted outside the walls. I sighed, a night had passed and I had to meet Han in the secret passage at midnight tonight if I was to help him and it was already 6:00pm. I was completely out of escape ideas. I slumped down on the grimy metal floor and went over the possible escape plans in my head: try to break out by force? No, too many guards. Use the force get me outta this? No, the force won’t allow you to do that and Yoda would be angry. As I racked my brain I noticed a scrap of blue cloth sticking out of the trash. I absentmindedly tugged at it, and the cloth kept coming out. In the end I pulled out some sort of old milk man uniform. I was about to toss it away but then, the light bulb lit.
I carefully slid the uniform over my Jedi clothes and donned a cap that I had found beside it pulling the cap over my eyes. After a little searching I found an old metal milk container and some glass milk bottles still full of milk. I found the bottles by their sour smell. Ready, I took a deep breath and made sure the cap was in place. It was a crazy idea, but it just might work!
I grabbed the bottles container’s handle and walked casually out of the door whistling. The guards were SLIGHTLY suspicious of a milkman walking out of a garbage disposal where Luke Skywalker had only gone in two hours before, but being thick headed they let me pass.
I kept up my cheerful whistling till I turned the corner. No one was there. Phew! I had made it past the guards! But I still had more challenges to face. I had to get through the central station, (which was always full of people), I had to hi-jack a one man ship and make it past the doors and out of the Death Star’s range and sight. Only then would I be safe. I pulled the cap over my eyes and hair and headed for the central station. I turned corner after corner, went down seventy five flights of stairs, went up one floor in the elevator and then back down the stairs one more time. (I had taken a wrong turn). Around the next corner was the central station. ‘Okay, man, this is it.’ I thought to myself, ‘One mistake and the Empire will fry you. Don’t screw this up. Remember, THINK INNOCENT MILKMAN.’ I walked forward through the crowd, not to fast, so as not to suspect, but not too slow for anyone to see me. Unfortunately, my plan for anyone not seeing did not work. I was stared at and got some funny looks. It was then I realized the ridiculousness of my plan; since when do milkmen stroll through battle stations? So as not to distract myself and looking at all the staring eyes I kept repeating the same words over in my head to kept my confidence up, ‘THINK INNOCENT MILKMAN. YOU ARE NOT LUKE SKYWALKER TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM EVIL CLUTCHES. YOU ARE A MILKMAN GOING ABOUT YOUR uh…..MILK MANISH DUTIES.’
I don’t know what happened but I must have spoken my thoughts aloud because the next thing I knew that young looking admiral who spoke to me at the meeting stepped up beside me, ‘Excuse me, what did you say?’ I was stunned, I hadn’t been expecting this. ‘Uh…………………..’ I said uncertain what to do.
‘Where were you? The Emperor had been waiting for your delivery all day!’ I didn’t know the Emperor had a personal milkman. ‘Uh……….err……….’ I stammered.
Not knowing what to do I followed the young admiral until we arrived at the door of the Emperor’s chambers. The admiral stopped as if waiting for me to do something. I desperately tried to remember what milkmen did but being a fighter I knew nothing.
I finally set the carton and down beside the door. The admiral said nothing so I think I did it right. ‘I uh, have to go do more rounds.’ I said hurriedly, disguising my voice as best I could. ‘Isn’t the Emperor the only one who gets deliveries?’ he replied. ‘There’s uh, been a change of plans.’ and I raced down the hall.
I suddenly stopped short. There was a fork in the middle of hall and I wasn’t sure which way was the fastest to the airport. I glanced behind; some guards were talking to the young admiral. The admiral turned and pointed towards me. The guards took one look and charged in my direction leaving the admiral looking very baffled. I dashed off down the right fork. I didn’t care where I was going; I just knew I had to get away from those guards! I’m sure the admiral didn’t know it was me, but the guards did. And I had to get away from them no matter what the cost! I doubled my speed. Because I was wearing neither armor nor anything heavy I was soon ahead of them and before long I came to an elevator. I pressed the button and it opened s-l-o-o-o-o-o-o-w-l-y; and then shut. A voice came from an intercom. ‘The elevator is disconnected. To reconnect the elevator please take the electrical wires and plug them in the fuse box which has been placed beside the elevator for your convenience.’ ‘What?!?! Disconnected?!?!’ I moaned in my dismay. I turned around; I could see the guards were at the end of the hall. They were far away but they were closing in on me. Fast. I was frantic. I grabbed what I hoped were the electrical wires and hurriedly jammed the into the fuse box. The guards were now half-way down the hall. I pressed the restart button and the loading began.
10%.....20%........30%.........40%............... ‘Auuuuuuuuuuuggh!!!!!!!!!!!! Hurry up you stupid elevator!!!!’ I cried half mad in my franticness. The guards were nearing me. Suddenly to my great relief the doors opened and the voice said, ‘Activation complete.’
I raced in the elevator and started pounding on the ‘close doors’ button. The guards were only ten yards away from me now. The door closed just in time; right in the guard’s faces! I panted heavily trying to catch my breath. ‘What do I do now?’ I gasped. I pressed the airport floor button. To make sure that the guards did not come right after me I started pressing every single button that there was except the floor I was previously on. There. That should take them a while before they can use the elevator. I crouched down like a marathon runner in the elevator. The moment the doors opened I would rush out, head for the nearest ship and take off. I was determined to escape. The door opened and I rushed out only to bump into Darth Vader while doing so! ‘LUKE SKYWALKER???? WHAT? HOW?--’ but I didn’t hear him, I was already flying to the nearest ship. Just then the Emperor ran up. ‘Who gave me sour milk!!!!!?!!!!!!’ he demanded. Oops. I had forgotten about that. Then he saw me. ‘AFTER HIM!!!!!!!!’ he shrieked.
I rushed to the nearest ship, a big, lumbering cargo ship. It would have to do. I ran in and flung myself on the start button. That horrid ship would not start. I rushed out of that ship and into another one. But that didn’t work either. It must have been a pretty comical sight: me rushing from ship to ship with the guards in hot pursuit. Finally, I found a ship that would start. I revved the engine and the ship shot off into space. ‘So long!!!’ I shouted behind at the screeching Emperor and glowering Vader. I looked at a clock. 11:00pm. Good. I had just enough time to get to the secret passage! I pressed light speed and shot off into hyperspace. I was free!
After what seemed like hours the ship finally flew into the rebellion airport. Finally! I hopped out of the plane and rushed down the stairs. I looked at my watch: 11:58. I had two minutes to get to the passage. Tip toeing quietly I went to a nearby telephone booth in the hall and dialed the secret code. 6-4-5-5-2. The floor of the booth gave way and I found myself sliding down a very long metal slide. Then suddenly the slide ended and finding myself no longer supported by any material, I promptly fell to the ground. I stood up and saw Han and all my friends gathered in a circle at the far end of the dimly light room.
‘There you are kid! We were just about to start.’ Han said as he helped me up. ‘Now then boys,’ he began once I was in the circle, ‘We all know that Leia has painted everything pink, right?’ Everyone nodded their heads. ‘Well, I few years ago I had smuggled a secret weapon, one that none had ever heard of and dared to use before. This extraordinary weapon that we shall use against this villainous pink is called BLUE. Tonight we shall sneak out and repaint everything with it. Is that understood?’ Everyone nodded their heads. After handing out a paint brush and a small can of blue to each man Han dismissed us and we all slunk away in the darkness to perform our dastardly deed.
Leia woke up to an urgent voice, “Miss, come quickly! Something has happened to your pink!” Leia sat up lazily and stretched. “Darling, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Nothing can destroy my pink.’ she replied, “but if you insist I’ll go look.” Leia opened the door casually and walked outside into the hall where she stopped short and gasped; the entire hallway was blue! Leia shrieked and tried to rub it off but to no avail. Then she spotted Han walked casually with his hands in his pockets and whistling. Very suspicious, she thought. Then she noticed the smudge of blue on Han’s shirt. ‘YOU!’ she cried her eyes aflame. ‘It was YOU!’ she raged.
‘Yeah, well I’m tired of all this pink nonsense; everybody detests it!’
Leia stamped her foot, ‘My pink is unique! I created it myself and no one has the right to contradict me!’
‘Everyone has the right to contradict you.’ Han replied.
‘That’s it! This is war!’ Leia yelled.
‘Fine! Be that way!’ Han retorted and the two stalked off in different directions each feeling as if they had been wronged.
I woke up to someone knocking on his door. I rolled out of bed and stumbled over to the door. It was the newspaper boy. “Yeeahwatsamata?” I mumbled still half asleep, “Announcement from the great Princess Leia herself! Tonight there is to be a tournament held between two teams led by Princess Leia and Han Solo. Attendance is mandatory.’ and walked to the next door. ‘Joys.’ I thought. I really didn’t feel like attending and I was trying to catch up on my sleep since my escape. It was noon. ‘Bah, it’s way too early.’ I went back to bed but couldn’t fall asleep. Seeing that I would never get any rest I got up and mischievously decided to go and snoop around Leia’s lab.
I got up and looked out the door both ways. No one. Tiptoeing as quietly as I could I made my way down three flights of stairs, went up two elevators, turned a corner, and there was the entrance to Leia’s lab. I looked around. Still no one. Trembling I reached out and quickly touched the knob. Nothing happened. Seeing that Leia had not put an alarm anywhere I ever-so-slowly opened the door and peered inside. When I opened the door to the lab and stepped inside I lost the breath to speak. Literally. When I walked in I tripped over a cord which sent a huge anvil flying that landed on my back knocking the wind from me for almost fifteen minutes.
When I finally got my breath back I looked around. ‘Woah man.’ I whispered as I looked around, the lab looked like an evil scientist’s lair. Tubes where everywhere, tons of dusty old books and big pots full of boiling water filled the rest of the room. At least, I thought it was water. I got up very carefully and slid the anvil off my back without a sound. I tiptoed around and took a peek at everything; I looked in the dusty old books to try to find some sort of potion that would destroy certain Death Stars but finding nothing I looked at all the ingredients Leia had on her shelves. There was nothing that interesting either. Then, feeling a bit brave and even more mischievous, I decided to make my own concoction. I grabbed anything that looked promising off the shelves and dumped them on a big table. Looking into the far side of the room, I grabbed a huge pot, and a very big spork. (You know, a fork and spoon combined together). Not even bothering to look in a book, I threw all the ingredients in. Some brown stuff, an awful smelling herb, white powder, and countless other items. Then, taking the longest ladle I could find, I scooped up some of that supposed water and dumped it into the pot.
Suddenly an explosion rang out through the room! The room began to shake, everything trembled and books fell off shelves. The pot rumbled and made all sorts of horrible noises as the terrifying shaking of the room increased. Barely able to keep my balance and struck with fear I didn’t wait to see what would happen; I ran.
I dashed out the door, turned a corner, went down to elevators, ran up three flights of stairs and was at the tournament arena before you could say, ‘Bob’s yer uncle.’ I collapsed on the bench and panted heavily still trying to get over the extreme shock that still prevailed within me. I was out of the room but what was still happening? Did my mix explode? Did the room blow up? If Leia found out I had been there, I was in serious trouble. Not to mention the fact that she still didn’t know that I had escaped. The guys had kept it kinda quiet. I looked at the clock. The tournament was about to start.
Suddenly the same paper boy stepped out onto the field and announced the beginning of the tournament, ‘Ladies and gentlemen! You are now about to witness the very first mock battle between the two teams: the pink team and the blue team.’ After this sentence both teams stepped out onto the field, Leia’s team was just made up of her maids and a few friends. Han’s was made up of all the guys that had been in the secret room the night before. Both teams glowered at each other, especially the captains. ‘The mock battle will be timed to three rounds and each round a span of two minutes. No weapons are to be used, just material substances: pink and blue.’ Two big cans of pink and blue were placed at opposite ends of the field. ‘The winning team will win the right to use their substance and the loser will be forbidden to never use his or her’s again.’ I sighed. So Leia and Han were bickering about their inventions eh? The teams looked ready. ‘On your mark……….get set…………FIRE!!!!!!!’ and the paper boy dashed off the field.
No sooner than the boy was off the field the two teams began to throw their substances at each other. Globs of each deathly concoctions whizzed past my face, (I was in the front row) leaving the audience sprayed where ever it flew. At first, no one was hit, but after a while some members on the teams began to get a little spattered. Then, as everyone’s aim increased, each team became soaked in each other’s potion. ‘FIRST ROUND DONE! TEAMS CEASE FIRE!’ the paper boy cried out from the stands.
Round two had just started when suddenly one of the big windows smashed open without any warning and a small plane came flying in. (They were big windows, okay?) A great suction swept throughout the stadium pulling into space any loose material and garbage. (Thankfully it was not strong enough to pull us humans in!)
The plane landed on the far side of the field, (away from the fight). The door opened and I saw the Emperor, Darth Vader and a whole slew of storm troopers emerge! They all looked strangely happy. I was in despair; I had just escaped only to be recaptured so without even thinking I yelled out, ‘ITS NOT FAIR!!!’ That was a big mistake. The Emperor saw me, shouted and pointed at me screeching something unintelligible. I forced my way onto the field and tried to get away from them but it was no use. The storm troopers caught up to me and held me so I couldn’t get away. They were on the point of dragging me back to Vader and the Emperor when the fight, which had been still going on all this time, became even worse making access to the other side of the field impossible.
The deathly concoction was everywhere and even some of the storm troopers got a few specks on their uniforms. There were now catapults on either sides being used for throwing bigger and bigger mounds of the potions. Then, Leia and Han each loaded a gigantic scoop of each other’s concoctions and, after much smirking and glaring, they let the catapults do their stuff. (Sorry! I’m used to fighting with light sabers, not catapults, so please don’t ask me how they work.) Each catapult did its catapulting stuff and each ball went flying through the air at top speed. They flew and flew until finally they crashed against each other with one horrific BOOM! Suddenly, there was the biggest explosion in recorded history: the field quaked as if it was being tossed like a ball and there was another horrible noise. It was like what happened in the lab, except only on a much, MUCH bigger level. By now the storm troopers had to let go of me the place was quaking so much. As soon as I was free I raced/crawled/fell/stumbled over to a railing and hung on to it for my dear little life. As I clung there I then had the bravery to look up and witness what was happening.
The two balls were still in midair had somehow combined together and were now a gigantic mass of swirling atoms and glowed so fiercely that I could hardly see what was happening to it. It throbbed, boomed, and swirled until it almost resembled a mini nebula. Then suddenly it began to change, if you looked closely you could almost see the atoms from each mixture combining together, believe it or not. Then the nebula began to glow and became tremendously bright and the light grew so intense I had to look away. After what seemed like hours there came an incredible explosion and I was wrenched from the railing. Then all was quiet. I looked up, as well did everyone else and gasped at the swirling mass which was still hovering in the air.
‘It’s amazing!’ Han gaped.
‘It’s a miracle! Leia gasped.
‘It’s PURPLE!’ I almost yelled. ‘Han! Leia! Don’t you realize what you have done? You’ve created PURPLE!’
Well after that, I am happy to say that things worked out pretty well. Leia and Han made it up and we all pitched in and helped to repaint the rebellion headquarters with the new invention, purple. After doing much scientific research Leia concluded that combining these two substances, pink and blue, make purple, which was exactly what happened on the field. Needless to say, everyone was amazed and pleased by the new creation so much that everyone’s light saber has been dyed purple and is now the official color of the rebellion.
As for the Emperor and Vader? Well, turns out they weren’t going to recapture me at all! Apparently, while the tournament was going on, they had sneaked in and while exploring Leia’s lab they discovered my concoction. They said that after it had exploded there was this mushy brown, shapeable ball left. Being curious they had separated the goop and put it in an oven where they left. When it had come out a tremendous change had come over the substance; it was now soft, brown, sweet smelling and tasted wonderful. After more testing in the lab they found out that it was not toxic and was perfectly edible. They enjoyed this thing so much that they gave it a name, THE COOKIE and searched the rebellion to try to find the man who had first made the doughy brown ball.
As it turns out, when they found that I was the one who had made it, they immediately made peace terms with me and rebellion and asked if I could make THE COOKIE again. I obliged and it turned out the same as before; sweet and gooey. They enjoyed it so much that they made a contract with me and together, with the help of some storm troopers and pilots, opened up a COOKIE SHOP in which I am the head chef of and still am to this very day. And if you ever happen to come around these parts, look for our sign; ‘Join the Dark Side, we have cookies.”
If there ever was a day to drink 4 cups of coffee in one sitting, this was it.
Welcome to Jade’s world. Where living alone was like having a me party every day. Except you were lonely because you lived alone. Jade had stayed up all night before doing paperwork with her good old friend wine. Alcohol was the only thing that could keep her awake.
“Welcome to Sox News. Blah blah blah, terrible stuff, terrible stuff, terrible stuff, woe misery and misfortune,” said the television. Jade turned off the T.V. She was already depressed and didn’t need to hear anymore bad news. She knew the world was fucked up; so why did the media feel the need to harp on it?
Jade grabbed a cigarette and lit it. Like she fucking cared if her landlord didn’t want her smoking in her apartment. She worked for the CIA, didn’t she? The comforting sound of her lighter filled the silence. The phone rang and jade stumbled over to her cell, puffing out the sweet smoke. It was Ria.
“What,” jade mumbled.
I thought it had all ended. I thought when I told him I couldn’t handle it and that it was a bad time, it would be over in a millisecond. But he called. And he called again. He called a third time. A fifth time and an eighth time. I tried so hard to concentrate on the bed spread I was resting on because I had nothing else left. It was from Ikea and my mom liked the cotton candy pink color that it carried because it reminded her of me... Whatever that's supposed to mean.
Every time the vibration on my phone went off, so did everything else. The disappearances started small. First the watch on my night table. Then the sneakers on my floor. The picture above my bed. They got bigger. My dresser. My television. The floor and my bed underneath me. It got deeper. My skin, my blood, my veins, until the only thing left was my mind and the bones shaking beneath it. My eyes came into play as my eyelids carried weights. They began to drop. My pupils slowly darkened until they resembled the dark corners I always feared as a kid, and the color I used when I drew pictures of my hair or I outlined a figure. I felt outlined in black in that moment. And the crickets screams got louder and the filter of my fish tank depicted the sound of fire drills at school. I closed my ears with my fingers, but no matter how much force I used, no matter how hard I pushed, they wouldn’t leave.
I was on the phone with a friend. She kept repeating,“Talya. It’s gonna be okay." It didn't really make a difference. But then I started to process her words. Every word she used, everything became quieter. The cricket’s shrieks turned to serenades. My fire drill fish tank resembled an ocean. I gave into my eyelids and let them close. I took breaths. With every inhale I thought of his words, and with every exhale I released him from my mind. With every inhale I drew up the items missing from my room, and with every exhale they were brought back. And as they came back, so did my feelings. I wasn't so numb anymore. As I exhaled and my skin grew back, covering my bones, the mosquito bites aligning my skin burnt heavily. As my eyes were brought back to color, so was everything else in my room. My cotton candy sheets came back from black, and returned to pink. But not cotton candy pink. My sheets were the pink color my face turns when I fell down that one time in class. My sheets were the pink color of the shirts I wore in elementary school and the color I used to paint cheeks in the summer and flowers in the spring. The only thing that wasn't black were my veins. They were white. I watched them as they slowly turned back to blue. To green. To red. I threw on a sweatshirt. It smelt like him. Like fresh laundry. Laundry washed with so much detergent, it was overwhelming. Almost unbearable.
It was so perfectly coordinated. Like you planned it out. Like you wanted to match your clothing to your personality. You're so fucking unbearable.