To my ex love. Did you make me or break me?
I always wonder/feel like he has ruined my heart and a part of me permanently. It wasn't until watching a television show today where wives talked about life after finding out of their husband's infidelity. The things they said resonated with me so heavily it made me realize why he has altered my heart.
Even though it wasn't even 3 years that we were together, even though we were only boyfriend and girlfriend, I feel as though I had taken the role of married life. I had loved and trusted someone so full heartedly that I took on that role without that official title. He was there for I would say one of the most crucial times of my life/age. He raised me in a sense. The way I am today is largely due to how he made me. He taught me to grow up.
I was listening to Jay Z's 444 album today, and his song where he confesses an apology of his infidelity to Beyonce strikes me deeply.
He describes how he watched her grow into a woman, and saw the innocence leave her eyes.
Thats exactly how I feel.
He taught me how to grow up, and is largely responsible for teaching me many of the things I've learned today.
SIDE NOTE: i'd like to apologize for the jumble that is this post, I am almost thinking too fast as I type and everything is coming out at once.
I realized the person I was before, during, and after him. And i realized..did he make or break me. Am who I am today because of the hurt he caused me, or because of the strength I learned from the heartbreak.
Questions I ask myself everyday. Maybe it is a combination of both.
And now here I am trying out my love with an old flame that never got the chance to actually try until now. By far the most strange and different relationship I have ever been in. I don't worry about him. But I know in past loves i would've worried, so does this mean I don't love him enough or that I am just so comfortable.
Myself and him both said out loud..we have no idea if we are going to work. We realize more and more everyday how opposite we are. But we have been best friends for so long, there is a lot to risk, yet it is fearful and not at the same time.
He said this before he left and it still rings in my ear "we are horrible in a relationship, but we are lovers for sure"
Those words keep replaying in my head. Because I know only time will tell what will happen, but I feel an urgency inside me that for once doesn't want to just wait and see. There's a million reasons why we are different, a ton of reasons that complicate our relationship to why we couldn't work, yet so many reasons if not any at all why we are perfect and we would.
I guess i am so fearful because with my past i realized, love isn't enough. It terrifies me. If we end we both said we wouldn't be upset, but something would feel so void inside me like I can't explain.
It hasn't even been 24 hours since he left, yet since he has I've felt null of emotion. I think its realizing that he was with me for what felt like so long, and then all of sudden he is gone like he was never here. Long distance is hard and I never would've done it again, but for some reason we are doing it.
I wonder if I am loving him with a half a heart. Because that is how i feel. I feel that I can only love with what is left and I am doing the best that I can to my ability, but there is only half left. If it doesn't work out with him, I think this empty feeling could overcome me and last forever..