Honesty Honestly.

A girl with a lot of thoughts.


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Untitled Feelings of the Heart at the Moment

To my ex love. Did you make me or break me? I always wonder/feel like he has ruined my heart and a part of me permanently. It wasn't until watching a television show today where wives talked about life after finding out of their husband's infidelity. The things they said resonated with me so heavily it made me realize why he has altered my heart.

Even though it wasn't even 3 years that we were together, even though we were only boyfriend and girlfriend, I feel as though I had taken the role of married life. I had loved and trusted someone so full heartedly that I took on that role without that official title. He was there for I would say one of the most crucial times of my life/age. He raised me in a sense. The way I am today is largely due to how he made me. He taught me to grow up.

I was listening to Jay Z's 444 album today, and his song where he confesses an apology of his infidelity to Beyonce strikes me deeply.

He describes how he watched her grow into a woman, and saw the innocence leave her eyes.

Thats exactly how I feel.

It's been a long time again!

On The Anon Girl

So, it has been forever since I have last been on here, and honestly a lot has happened since then! Last time I wrote my life was pretty boring, lately it's gotten pretty interesting! That "Brayden" dude, remember him? The stupid one, that broke my heart, yada yada yada. Well he decided to be a really really big asshole dick, and say things to my best friend like "Why don't you go cut again." Yes, my best friend used to cut. Like oh my goodness he is stupid! Like you do not just say that to someone, especially if they used to cut! So, I texted him, knowing that I had to stick up for my best friend. And he decided to be stupid and say "You just keep finding ways to message me don't you? Obsessed as fuck" I wasn't messaging him because I'm obsessed with him, because to be honest I hate him for ruining my life like that, I hate him for making me hurt that much. So I explained to him, that any good friend would stick up for their friend, and I called him "messed" because he is. And he then said "How am I messed? I didn't even cheat on you" He kept bringing our old relationship into it, and it made me so angry. Then he tried to apologize kinda, like no you can't do that. He said he was only acting rude and full of himself because he wanted me to hate him, because he was so fucking sorry for what he did to me, and he didn't even know how to apologize for a fuck up like that. I told him it didn't help at all, so he said "you must have known I was sorry. Did you? You didn't deserve it, you did nothing wrong." Then, I explained that I never knew he was sorry, I thought he wanted to hurt me, and a million other things. So he said he was sorry, and it was his fault, and he didn't enjoy hurting me. I said "I know its your fault, and I now know that I deserve better, I deserve someone who loves me for exactly who i am, someone who isn't gonna hurt me, and looks at me like I am their whole world. So goodbye Brayden Alexander Cochrane, have a good life." He wasn't supposed to reply to that message, that was supposed to be my last word to him, but instead he replied and said "It's funny because that was me, I was that guy. I put you before everyone. You were my world but I was weak and let someone get between us. But guess what? That was the best thing I've ever done. Being weak at that moment in my life, was perfect because I met the perfect girl, and I love her more than I ever loved you." He knew, he knew that would hurt me, but I didn't let him see that. I know I don't love him anymore, but what he did, to think about it, still hurts me, a lot. Because he's that one guy that every girl has, that they will never fully get over, and always remember. Instead of showing him that hurt me I replied with this "Good, you're perfect for each other, you're both the same. If you two get married you can tell your kids how you met. That you started flirting and talking to her when you had a girlfriend. You were never that guy, because if you put me before everyone, then you never would have been talking to her, you would have been loyal, but no, you weren't. You do NOT get the last word, I do. And you know what those words are? Fuck you." Then I proceeded to block his number. So yeah that happened. Then, a few weeks later, I got married to this guy Josh on facebook as a joke thing, and we flirted. So I went to an MVD (Music Video Dance) with my best friend, and Josh was there. He asked me to dance on a slow song, so I said yes. Then at the end of the night he kissed me. Oh and he also came up and put a bracelet on my wrist, which I still have, cause I keep everything from exes. The next day, Ruby (My best friend) and I were at the mall, and Shannon was there. I will fill you in on who Shannon is. Shannon has been in my life for almost 2 years, we dated about a year and a half ago, and then a few times more after that. I love Shannon, I can't lose him,he is one of my best friends. I cry at the thought of it. For a year and a half he has been telling me he is in love with me, I love him, but for some reason I can't date him. I talk to him everyday, and everytime I get a boyfriend, it hurts him, but he refuses to leave. So we were hanging out with him at the mall, and he kissed me twice. That's two different guys in two days! I felt terrible! Ruby told me, that I needed to hang out with Josh more before could make a decision. But truth be told, I don't want to lose either of them, they are both my friends. So the weekend after that, I was at the mall again with Ruby, Morgan, Shannon, and some other friends. Josh and Shannon both like me. Josh told me he wasn't gonna come, and I felt relieved. Then I saw him walking with Ruby's boyfriend. Let's just say I literally got under the table, but he saw Ruby and made his way over to me, and took me out from under the table. Shannon threw his phone at the table when Josh came,.and walked away to the bathroom. I felt terrible, I knew Shannon felt hurt seeing Josh sitting beside me, and it didn't help that he kept side hugging me and kissing my cheek. I went outside with Shannon, to wait for his dad, and Shannon kissed me again, which made me even more confused. When Shannon left, i went back in, and Josh was saying he wanted to beat up Shannon, because he could tell by the way that Shannon looks at me, that he loves me. So basically my life right now, I don't exactly know what's happening or what to do.

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