The thinks you never thunk you'd think....
Well good morning everyone. I was having a conversation with a dear friend of mine and she said the silliest thing. She said and I am quoting here, “I'll have kids when I'm ready.” and I started to laugh because trust me... mine is 23 and I'm still not ready! You aren't EVER ready to learn all of the things kids can teach you. Am I talking spiritual, inspirational and lovely little cutesy things they say like, “If fairies light up can we make one a night light?” NO! I am talking real kids here!
You are never ready for all the crap that they teach you because this is info you don't ever think you'll need and then can't imagine why you do! These are things like how to explain why we don't put peanut butter on the toilet seat! Horrid things like how to get lollipops off of the dog. You start asking yourself ignorant questions. Crazy things you never thought you'd hear yourself think. Things like... Why in the hell don't they make a Barbie that flushes down properly? Sickening things like, “Why is it only the most expensive Ninja Turtle that destroys the garbage disposal? Are the others less Ninja? And if they are Ninja why does the plumber tell me he sees them every week?”
As a parent you are never prepared people! That's just what they tell you so that the race doesn't end! You will inevitably end up walking around mumbling the most ignorant questions that you really NEED the answer to. Queries such as, “Well I don't really know if my mouth would fit around a doorknob. Can I put it on a resume?” You might even google the place where cootie vaccinations are available. You will find yourselves just smacking yourself in the head trying to get kid's thought to take hold... in that place where you thought you had a brain but now... dark and cold.
People without children don't understand why we want a union! Take for example this scenario. I was sitting with my daughter when she was a toddler with all of my friends standing around. We were talking about how she always only asked me questions that I never had the answer to. The conversation went something like this:
Friend 1: Oh you mean she asks about religion?
Me: No. I can answer that. These are things I can't even answer.
Friend 2: You mean where babies come from right? Nobody knows what to say.
Me: No you just don't get it. I know where babies come from. These questions are harder!
Sarah has become very quiet and all eyes turn to her. She is thinking very hard about something. Finally I say, 'What?” She lifts her little head and looks at my friend and asks, “Does a spider have a tongue?” Every friend I had just took off and left me there. I don't remember giving her an answer.
So if you are a parent and you have days where you sit around with the over-whelming urge to poke yourself in the eye repeatedly in order to let the stupid out... be comforted. You are still incredibly intelligent. (It's just that now you have kids and so nobody remembers it any more.)
And if you are not a parent do an act of kindness today for someone who is. And by that I mean... buy us a text book on astrophysics so that our friends will come back and we can once more talk in full sentences that don't rhyme! PLEASE!
That's my side of it,
PS Does a spider have a tongue?