It’s been a few weeks since I submitted my last graduate school application. The process included paying money for transcripts for 3 (yes, 3) colleges I had attended during my undergrad, asking (and politely reminding) professors to complete letters of recommendation, and spending countless hours perfecting my personal statement. But of all those things, the most stressful seems to be the wait after the application is submitted.
I am generally a calm personality with. With exception to a few times during the year (around finals and the season finale’s of Scandal) I have found ways to balance school/social/work pressures and really chill out.
But not in this case.
We all interact with fear and if I had to I guess I would call this time a period of fear. Fear that causes stress, doubt and imaginary social pressure. I know I am not just speaking for myself when I say we all hate denial. But more than hate denial, we all fear it.
My biggest fear in this process is that no one will want me – and that will be the exact feeling. Not that my letters weren’t strong enough or my gpa was .1 too low for the specific school (which may have actually been the factor that led to their decision) but that when they glanced over my application, I was someone they didn’t want. And that feeling sucks.
Because denial means that we haven’t quite found our place yet. We haven’t found the thing to belong to. We have stepped out of our borders/boundaries and applied ourselves in some way (whether it be an application, audition, or proposal) and some one/thing has said…”no thanks.”
This has stretched me to look for my value outside of things to belong to. Outside of an application that will prove my self worth. Because if all we have are the “yes’s” to keep us going, we wont last very long (or at least I know I won’t).
What are the things that keep you going?? The things that are above denial and that accept you where you are??