The Best Rimjob I Ever Gave

Faced with a 1 year sentence to the countryside after getting dumped right before my birthday, my prospects for 2013 were not looking good. 2012 was a good year for dick and pussy in my face ( 0 dicks), but I didn't end strong. Instead, I chose to not cheat on my future ex-girlfriend. At the start of this year, I moved from the city to the country, and I decided to lower my expectations rather than my standards. Most of the people I met in town were toothless drunks, which was slightly less attractive than the local talent on OkCupid. I've used websites to hook up before- my first time using OkCupid to meet someone, it went as well as all you can eat Mexican food can get, and soon lead to my first ex-girlfriend in Korea. The experience was satisfying enough to keep me trawling for gap on the internet. And then I found some.

Her profile didn't have a picture, only a lengthy plea for lengthy dick. I empathized with her story, having lived a version of it my junior year: Long-distance open relationship, hasn't had a dick inside her for 3 months. I chatted her up about things like Haruki Murakami and two weeks later we are exchanging pictures of her vibrators and having conversations of this nature:

9:36pm, May 20, 2013, Sliz : I came so hard

9:36pm, May 20, 2013, Sliz : my pussy is still contracting

9:36pm, May 20, 2013, Sliz : it got so tight I can't pull my toy out yet

A few days later, I went to her city for our first date:

6:59pm, May 24, 2013, you : You know what I want you to do for me right now?

7:04pm, May 24, 2013, Sliz : what?

7:06pm, May 24, 2013, you : Take your middle finger. Soak it in your pussy

7:07pm, May 24, 2013, Sliz : im on the bus

7:07pm, May 24, 2013, Sliz : jesus christ

7:08pm, May 24, 2013, Sliz : im so turned on

7:08pm, May 24, 2013, you : Get to a bathroom. Cause I want to taste you before yousay a word to me.

7:14pm, May 24, 2013, Sliz : ok. I'm walking to the station. I'm going to go to the bathroom

7:18pm, May 24, 2013, you : Left hand, middle finger.

7:23pm, May 24, 2013, Sliz : ok. where are you?

Let me tell you a little something about Korea. Most Fridays, you go to a restaurant, move to a bar, and it's not going to be an exciting night. Walking up to the only white girl in sight and sucking the pussy juice off her finger before “Hello”? That's gonna be a good night.

We walked to the nearest bar to have the obligatory drink or two. This is standard operating procedure when meeting someone for sex. You want to make sure they aren't crazy and establish ground rules, but also give them a chance to date-rape you as a gesture of trust. Two drinks is a good number. Three means either you're a much better conversationalist than I or your sex life has come to depend on you getting drunk first. She tells me her ground rules- Her boyfriend approves of this so long as I use protection. There are no strings attached but a possibility for repeats, pending my performance. I nod my head, pay for the drinks and go to relieve my bladder in anticipation. She needs to go too of course. I grab her by the pussy like I was her uncle and we make out in the bathroom.

The only thing left to do here is to hail a cab, so we do. I only brought one condom because I figured we both know the deal: I'm clean, you're clean and the condom's just a formality. Paperwork for two people who know how to fuck without fucking up. Our cab driver is the most talkative Korean cabbie ever, and at one point even hands me a business card while I'm two knuckles deep under her dress. I take it with my right hand and file it in the gum wrappers and used tissues section of my ass pocket. I look over at Sliz (not a real name) and she's staring out the window, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. Cum starts to pool between her thighs and her asshole.

We're out the car and at her place faster than Hondurans running from La Migra. She sits down on the bed and watches me come closer. I watch her unbutton the shirt I'm still wearing from work and lick my body. I stop her right before she pulls me out and sit down next to her. I throw her over my lap and give her a spanking.

If I had known what her esophagus was capable of, I wouldn’t have interrupted her. She put more suck in my dick than every man, woman, and beast in my entire life. I went for the 69 and her wetter half tasted like two Michelin stars. I ate every hole I could find like the only way this could end is with a shot and a beer*. Later, we went out for beer and chicken. It was at that point that I knew it was getting pretty serious. The next morning, I brushed my teeth with her labia and left for Busan. She told her boyfriend (almost) everything and he was like,

I couldn't think about sex with anyone else for the rest of the weekend. She let me know that she bled from cervical erosion and had an abnormal pH for three days. I'm still in awe at how her asshole tasted better than most girls' vaginas. She warned me that she just started her period. I'm meeting her again tonight, and you know what? I don't give a sliver of a fuck.

And that was the best rimjob I ever gave.

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*I just coined this shit to mean an orgasm and a yeast infection