To improve. My home; my productivity; my relationship with my lover, my parents, those around me; my work; my study; my habits in general.
It all seems so overwhelming at times - but then I remember, I have a lifetime to get these things in check. And if some of those things pass in the meantime before I've 'improved' to my own unrealistic standards, well, so be it. I've tried.
As long as I'm trying to improve, I'm improving.
I'm caught in a seemingly nonexistent, undefined ideology/philosophy that there is a creator - a god, if you will - but one who merely set everything into motion. It may not even exist any more (in our realm? In our time? What even is existence?), let alone 'hear', 'see' or 'adore' every one of its creations. But this idea, rather than throwing me into a state of hopeless despair, is what drives me to improve, to love, to create. My insignificance in this universe is inspiring - it makes me feel more connected to the world, the universe, and the beings within it than ever. I am one of an unimaginable number. My body will exist for a finite amount of time. There is no all-seeing, all-loving and all-powerful entity setting my path, guiding me, or keeping me safe from harm. I have no special purpose, I am not unique, I have no divine right over any other creature or thing on this earth.
Why is this a depressing thought to so many? Why do people seek out some mystical 'truth' - an antidote to this insignificance? It makes my heart sing that I've been given this great privilege of life, of consciousness, of the very ability to wonder; I'm not going to waste it by pretending that there should be more.
Last year, I did a Year In Review to sum up and show my growth throughout 2012.
A few days ago, I planned on doing something similar for this year. But then, I wondered to myself about whether this year would really be considered a success or not. At first, I thought it would again be defined by running and Breakthrough, the same two subjects that summed up 2012 for me. Now yes those aren't the only two things I've done this year, but they have made significant impacts in 2013.
In March, I broke the sub-5 mile barrier in the mile. I had a rough cross-country season, but my state championship meet ended up going very well and I surpassed all expectations I had for myself. Currently, I'm in my senior year of high school and am training for what may be my last track season ever. I can say for a fact that I will be running faster times than I did last spring. I do have some ambitious goals I want to accomplish in this upcoming season, but even if they aren't reached, I know I have improved regardless. This year has solidified the fact that I'm going to continue to run after high school.
My experience with Breakthrough has also changed significantly. This summer, I got the opportunity to be a full-fledged teacher intern (I was a TA the summer before). Responsibilities increased tenfold and I had to deal with copious amounts of stress, but it was an enjoyable experience overall. I was able to bond with my students more and truly understood what it meant to be a teacher.